What this Mom Knows!

The High Road

2012-01-25T20:40:00.007-05:00

Holy shit is it less traveled!

I don't think I ever truly realized how petty, manipulative, stupid and pathetic people can be until recently and I have zero faith in humanity so that's really saying something. I was recently reminded again how much I miss men in my life. I mean I'm married so I have a man, but just men in general. When I worked (outside the home) I worked with men every day and I miss the conversation which is completely different than it is with women. Don't get me wrong, I love my bitches but the whiny, whoa is me, "she hates me" bullshit vibe I'm getting from others is wearing thin. It's that stereotypical catty, bitchy thing that is just so damn tired. It makes me wish there were more stay at home dads. I think a playgroup with a bunch of SAHDs would be fabulous!

One good thing about the high road, there ain't a bitch in sight! I could run around for hours up here and see almost no one. That petty "I'm the victim" bullshit happens on the main road so if you're looking for sympathy, you might want to find an on ramp.

"You have the chance to choose it. Don't act like you don't know.
Where is it you will travel, down the high road or the low?"

Quote of the day: "You win by doing nothing." So true.

Though You Grow Old Before Me, You're Still My Baby Girl

2012-01-20T02:49:00.009-05:00

Oh my River......

As I sit here today gearing up to have lunch with friends to celebrate my daughter's third birthday I find it almost laughable when I think of where I was before she busted through the door that was my uterus. She's such a source to be reckoned with that I can't imagine a day in our lives without her. She drives me crazy and at time is absolutely insufferable but I wouldn't have it any other way. As I told a friend when her daughter (who has remotely the same temperament) was younger, "She may be a pain in the ass to raise but Oh what a great adult she'll be! I'd rather have my daughter grow up to be a bitch than a doormat!"

Turns out, I got the best of both worlds. River is sweet but unyielding. Kind but unapologetic. As beautiful in her treatment of other as she is in my photographs of her and she never makes excuses for finding herself just as deserving as others. She gets that from me....shhhhhhh. She shares well, offering her toys to others but is the first to say, "Hey, it's your turn!" She gets that from her brother.

She really is a dream.

What the hell did I do before she came along???

Three years ago:

I would have smacked you if you told me a blond chick could ever have my personality.
I never knew a 3 year old could wear so much black and look so good doing it.
I didn't own a single hair bow. Now YOU have well over 200.
I would have never guessed that a big brother could be this gentle or sweet.

I never knew a kid could wear the same size shoes for two seasons.

I never thought someone related to me could have lips like that and ohhhh those lips....
I never thought behind such beautiful blue eyes could be such ferocity.
I had no clue what a loving big brother Owen would be.

I couldn't have imagined getting a call from my daughter's school, "Hi, we need you to come pick your daughter up. She punched some fluffy chick in the throat." Now I can totally see that happening.

I never knew hearing my daughter say "Because I said so Momma!" would be so cute.
I didn't understand how someone could favor one child over another...and I still don't.
I would have told you that you could have a daughter without all that princess shit. I was wrong. We asked for a daughter and got a princess. I think that shit happens through osmosis because it IS NOT my doing. We don't even own Cinderella.
I never thought I'd be so excited to see my daughter open a Cherry Jam doll. (Thanks Penny!)
I never thought watching my daughter stomp her foot and yell would be so cute that not laughing was impossible.
I never thought I'd be looking for the perfect colour pink for a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party.

I could have only dreamed of hearing my daughter in the tinniest voice yell, "Wild boys, wild boys, wild boys!"

I never thought I'd be so happy to hold up two shirts and have my daughter pick the black one.
I never thought I'd have a daughter that would scream "YES MA'AM!" When I correct her with a "No ma'am!"
I would have never believed that my tiny three year old (who weighs 6 pounds more than her brother did at 6 months old) could eat him under the table. It's shameful!
We didn't have a piano for forced piano lessons!
I never knew I could be so happy to look at my daughter and see myself. It usually happens when she's sucking her bottom lip in and there's always some attitude involved but whatever. I'll take what I can get.

I would have never believed that a two year old could be my muse.
I didn't know the Strawberry Shortcake theme song by heart. I. Sing. It. In. My. Sleep.
I never thought I'd buy fruit because it is represented in Berry Bitty City. Plums, Raspberries, Strawberries, Oranges, Cherries. I can't make my daughter understand that there is no Lemon Meringue fruit.
I never thought I'd envy my daughter's clothes.
I didn't have a castle in my house.
I didn't know so much shit could fit under one roof.
I never thought I'd dance this much.
I never thought I'd be so afraid that my long haired children would find the scissors.

I didn't think it was so important to keep the things I love in my life. I certainly want my daughter to know that it's OK to be more than a mom when her time comes.

When I look at my daughter I see myself...only better. Smarter, prettier, funnier. On her third birthday I can already tell that things are going to come easy for her. She's just so quick and she figures things out with little effort on her part. She must get that from her father because it doesn't come from me.

River. We chose the perfect name for her. I can't in a million years see my daughter taking shit from anyone at any age. She doesn't wait for things to move out of her way, she blasts through them leaving a wake of destruction in her path. I'm so proud of her! She's just what I wanted in a girl!

So some advice for my daughter to hold on to as she enters her third year of life.

Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.

Always take responsibility for yourself and what you do, even if it makes you look bad. There is no bigger bitch than the one who blames everyone else for everything that "happens" to her.

Try not to run your mouth and when you do, stand firm behind the shit you say.

Everyone in my life has earned their place and I suggest the same for you. There's nothing wrong with qualifying friends. If you just take whatever comes your way you will end up with a hodgepodge of people you don't even like.

Always look back before you back your car up. It really isn't that difficult. You're only three and you've almost been run over twice by some moron who didn't bother.

Never back down. Right is right. You may lose things at times because you stand firm but if it was that important it wouldn't be in question anyway.

If you want to cry, cry. There's no shame in being sad.

One is silver and the other gold....because cheap gold tarnishes. Save your money.

You won't get out of this house until you can wash your own clothes, cook your own food, tell someone to kiss your ass and defend yourself verbally and the same goes for your brother. Don't like those rules? Get comfortable. It's going to be a very long fifteen years.

Never curtail your imagination. Nothing is ever too crazy to try at least once.

Daddy says that Momma lives in a "constant state of conflict." I agree. Fuck it. I may get shit on once but I've never been shit on twice by the same person. I don't allow it and neither should you.

If someone ever asks you to witness the birth of a child, do it. It is amazing!

If someone doesn't want to be your friend anymore, Move. The. Fuck. On. You can quote me on that. Life is way too short for other people's shit and you are amazing! Tell them to kiss your ass as you're walking away.

Don't waste your time on haters. They aren't worth it.

Tomorrow isn't promised so kick some serious ass today so you can go out with a knowing smile on your face.

How this little angel in pink became my big beautiful girl in red is a mystery to even me.

Courage, determination, pride...that's what little girls are made of. At least mine is.

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby Girl!!!

Resolutions

2011-12-31T18:14:00.027-05:00

It's been a long year, a long great year. I mean I have a million things to be thankful for and I go out of my way to not take any of those things for granted. There will always be things that I want and I think that's a good thing, as long as I appreciate the things I have, and I do.

However, with the knowledge I've gleamed in my life, certainly this year, I plan to shake things up a little bit and stop wasting my time on things and people that just don't matter. I made a good friend this year via Twilight of all things and I'm glad I have her in my life. Her craziness makes me more accepting of my own and that's always a good thing. She's also an excellent mom who adores her beautiful daughter and that's always nice to see in a friend. Her daughter is going to college next year as a photo major. Girl after my own heart!

I also have a really good friend who is about to give birth and I think she's a treasure. Her husband is politically misguided but I love her so much that I let it go. We should be able to start celebrating the birth of her newest youngin' soon so I'm looking forward to that. I also adore her children and love having them over. I know they drive her crazy at times but we love the Dove kids. They're so sweet when they visit and I just like hanging out with them. I hope someone says nice things like that about my own kids. My only issue with her is that she isn't finding out what the baby is. It could be a kangaroo for all I know which makes it almost impossible to shop.

Speaking of babies being born, I got to see it with my own eyes this year. I mean how cool is it to watch a life come into the world? It makes the visual of the sun being born pale by comparison and he really is such an angel. I know I was there for the birth of my own children but I spent most of that time whistling beef over the edge of an operating table so it lost it's luster a little bit. Seeing it from the other side (so to speak) was amazing, a privilege really. I'll always have a special place in my heart for little Nathan. Actually, he's not so little anymore, but just as sweet.

My husband and I went on a kickass wine weekend in Virgina with some friends. I don't even drink wine and I had a blast! That's saying something. I didn't even bitch when two minutes into the Apple Cider tasting I realized it had sulfites in it as I started to sweat and get all clammy and a big ass headache said "Oh no you don't sister!" All was good. I survived and I love this photo we forced the wine guy to take of us. This is just after the Quades lost an Olson twin between them so I'm happy there is a pregnant girl separating me from that skinny bitch. Not that I planned that...wink wink...

The truth is, I have a lot of things to be thankful for. I have an great family, wonderful friends that I adore and my kids social calender is ridiculous! They're more popular than I've ever been and I love that! I had to leave a playgroup this year and the main reason is that, I just couldn't get there. I don't feel like we left them behind, because I love those girls and we're still friends but it just wasn't working for me. I miss seeing them on a regular basis but with a kid in school five days a week, it was impossible to get there with any regularity and at some point you just have to be honest with yourself about what you're capable of. We recently went to the train museum together and I hope we get to do that often because we had a great time visiting with friends.

Beautiful kids, great moms, a lot to miss but I did the right thing. I don't function well with shit (no matter how good it is) hanging over my head. I don't like being late or not being able to get there so I put myself out of my own misery and in more way than one. Tough decision, but one I can live with. It's not like I won't see them. Birthday season is just beginning after all.

I (alone) drove my kids the twelve hours to visit my mother in Georgia. Well, the twelve hour car trip turned into fourteen but it wasn't so bad. It was actually fun! I love car trips and it was nice to visit with friends, have my kids meet my father and spend a week hunting trains with the boy. He and I even drove to see Robert Pattinson's house in Water for Elephants. It was so close. How could I not? Sigh....he's so dreamy....

This is Owen collecting a couple of rocks from the driveway. He insisted on bringing them home. I didn't argue. No one has even lived here for like 14 years.

The kids at the Parthenon

We went to see the Train Garden at Cheekwood. It was a big hit!

River with Grandpa Bert waiting for out train ride

Owen with Grammos. In his defense, the train was 15 feet away and really, really loud.

This is River taking up a whole bed in our hotel in Nashville after she projectile vomited on me in Target. Yeah, I drew on the bikini.

The kids meeting my father.

These things at Cheekwood creeped me out as a kid and after all these years, not much has changed.

But how I still love them.....

I also still appreciate my love of great music. There just isn't enough of it these days. While I didn't discover Johnny Flynn this year, my love for him grew and on a night alone, I'd rather listen to no one else. So, if I could, I'd thank him for that. Actually, I have thanked him in person but I'd like to do it again and I will.

In the end the things I have to be the most thankful of are my beautiful, sweet angelic children. So amazing and kind to each other. There are many days that I just feel like I don't deserve them but I plan to spend the rest of my life trying.

I know 2012 will be good. I've got a lot to look forward to and I'm excited for it to come! Shake off the old and insignificant and appreciate what I've got. That's my resolution and I'll get to it right after I ring in the new year with two sleeping babies, and fondue with my husband. Woot Woot!

Sigh....Target

2011-12-30T18:45:00.012-05:00

All things considered, we had a pretty good Christmas. Double ear infections, undiagnosed strep throat, and the joy of spreading our sicknesses with others were just a few of the things we all had to be thankful for this year. But in the end, the fat man came, he left and we're still cleaning out of his gift giving extravaganza. I'd go so far as to say he laid a finger to the side of his nose and snotted ribbon and extra tape across our basement. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow shines bright on the layer of gift boxes, torn gift bags and an assload of bows that my daughter thinks she needs in her hair.

River got her Cherry Jam doll (Yay Penny!) and her Barbie Jeep and Owen got an assload of trains and a kickass drum set and microphone that has me already plotting my brother's demise.

Now she can join her brother:

So we survived Christmas and in the end only had a few things we needed to exchange. All were too big and since I was just switching sizes, you'd think that would be no big deal, right? Eh, hemm.....wrong.

So a few days after Christmas while we were in Virginia visiting my husband's parents, I needed diapers for River so I took the things I needed to switch out, figuring I'd take care of it then. We headed to Target. First stop, "customer service."

Here's the conversation:

"I just need to exchange these for different sizes."

"Do you have a receipt?"

"No, they're Christmas gifts."

"So you don't have a receipt?"

Really? "Of course not, they're Christmas gifts."

"You can't exchange without a receipt."

"I can't exchange a size without a receipt?"

"No. I can put it on a gift card and you can re buy them." This is where I started trying to find my happy place.

"What is the point of that?"

"That's just our policy."

That line always gets me. It says you have no other argument except to follow orders. It means you don't believe in the crap you're spewing because I know it is stupid and so do you.

"Ok, that's stupid but I'll do that."

Then she starts ringing it up and I realize she's giving me half the price my Mother in Law paid for these items. I don't care that it's not my money but I'm not throwing it away. I'd rather my kids just grow into them than bend over at Target customer service and taking it up the ass in her name.

"Just forget it. That's ridiculous. I'll ask her for the receipt and come back. There is no reason for that when it has a giganto Target right on it! I mean you know it came from here."

It would be one thing if everything was on sale and you're giving me the price it is now, but that isn't what happened. The Harajuki mini tutu alone was $17 and she tried to give me $11. I went back to check as I'd never seen those things on sale and it wasn't. She was trying to give me less than I could turn around and buy it for.

Here's what I don't understand. How did Walmart get such a bad wrap and Target get out unscathed? Trust me, I hate Walmart but even they don't do this. I can just exchange sizes there with no problem. Target acts like their policy makes sense. I could see if I wanted money back, but I didn't. I would have gleefully takes then exact same items in smaller sizes. How does it hurt them to let me do that?

The bottom line is that Target's customer service sucks. The girl that "helped" me wasn't even nice and her manager was standing right there looking at me like I was crazy for questioning such a stupid policy. Shit rolls downhill I guess but it makes me want to buy my shit somewhere else. I mean there are a million places and Target is great until you need to return or exchange something and then they treat you like shit they want to wipe off their shoe.

It's shameful but in the end I was able to get the receipt from my MiL and return the items so I could buy new ones, at the price she paid for them. The fact that I was able to do that makes me appreciative of my MiL for saving the receipt, not at Target for allowing me to stand in line again behind other furious Christmas returnees.

I just find it funny that we give Walmart so much shit and let Target off the hook while they treat their customers like crap. I mean I get the Walmart labor issues but both Target and Walmart use factories with poor human rights records and with their low prices, both stores are putting smaller, more specialized and often locally owned retailers out of business. No one ever mentions that. Also, everyone in Target seems so miserable and they're just down right nasty, just like Walmart but I think part of the dress code at Target is a stick up your ass.

I remember once being at Target and some bitch yelled at me for trying to take an empty cart in a fitting room when it held my sleeping baby in an infant seat. That didn't end well but it's just another thing about Target that annoys the shit out of me. I think people are so busy hating Walmart that they let let the nice red shirts blind them to the shitty customer service that Target has going on. It's like they think it's the only option we have for dog food, cheap shoes and over priced toys.

In the end, I know that Walmart is worse but Target is getting there. The stores are over all cleaner and the people checking me out don't generally look like they rode the hobby horse to Hickeyville last night but Target could use an overhaul. That's all I'm saying.

I Can See My Crotch!!!

2011-12-15T16:27:00.005-05:00

You skinny girls won't easily understand this, but just bare with me.

I think a good fitting pair of jeans is tough to find for any woman but if you're of the chunkier persuasion (as I am) it gets even tougher. I might venture to say it's been damn near impossible. This is the problem with jeans for us big girls, everything is made of stretchy material which is great, for the first twenty minutes. Then you wear them, bend over once or twice and those bitches are too big. I've never understood why everything made for big girls is made of stretchy material. Just make my size. If it fits me I don't need it to stretch, right? Screw that "breathing with me" bullshit!

The photo above is me in my regular jeans and I don't mind saying I've got them pulled up to my chin and a belt wrapped around in order to get them to stay on because they're a little big for me but even if they weren't, they're ill fitting. How much material does one girl need between her legs? As a bigger girl, I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen my crotch. I mean I know it's there but now in my new jeans I can see it and even grab it like Michael Jackson when he was newly white. It's a big deal. I paid twice as much for them as I think I've ever paid for a pair of jeans and they were on sale but it doesn't matter. It's nice to find a company that understands not all women's asses and thighs are created equal.

I love shopping at Lane Bryant whose tag line should be "Cute Clothes for Big Girls!" But even that has it's limitations. Here's the problem, or one of them. RASH GENERALIZATION ALERT! I think Lane Bryant clothes are made for black women. The reason for this is both in the colours of their clothes and the cut. Yeah, I know we're all the same on the inside, but our asses are completely different.

If Lane Bryant sells a black t-shirt, you can bet your ass that is comes in baby blue, deep purple, bright green and an orange that I'm certain you can see from the moon. In my (mostly) Irish opinion, those colours just don't look good on bright white skin. I know I look like a corpse in any of those colours I mentioned. As far as the cut, I can almost never wear pants from Lane Bryant. I find that there is extra material on the thighs as if expecting me to have a bigger ass. While I'm a big girl, I just don't think my ass is vast enough for Lane Bryant pants. When I've tried them on I've sometimes been left with small empty pockets of material on my thighs that confounds me.

In my opinion it's more socially excepted to be a heavy black woman in this country than it is to be a white one. I'm not feeling shunned mind you, I'm just saying that black women seem to have more stores geared to them, (I.E. Lane Bryant, The Avenue and Catherines) and if you do a search for heavy black woman and heavy white woman, you could find two like sized women with two completely different outlooks on their style and appearance. After my quick Google search of "Heavy Black Women" and "Heavy White Women" I found only things to support my theory. I found heavy black women that take great care of themselves, dress up in clothes that are body conscious and wear colours that would just look foolish on light coloured skin. I also found several blogs, all by heavy black women (one in my own town) that were just about
being a kick ass, self assured heavy black woman. I found absolutely nothing like that for white women. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but I didn't come across it. What I did come across were blogs by white women about their struggles to lose weight or find clothes that fit them. Ahhhh, full circle moment.

When I Googled "Heavy black women" I got a few photos I didn't want, like a twenty year old photo of Color Me Badd (WTF?) but I also found perfect examples of what I'm talking about. I'm not making fun of any of these women, just showing there is a difference.

Here are a some examples:

I'm not trying to say that black women are overall better dressers because I don't know that to be the case. I just think when something is more socially acceptable, perhaps that just naturally breeds more confidence. I didn't search hard for the photos and I didn't ask for certain ages but while the heaviness and age of these women is across the board, some are workin' it while some have just completely given up. Why? Maybe because that's what society expects of them. Me, I'm a little different because I think my shit doesn't stink but most people aren't like that. I think it doesn't matter how big or small you are, but how you feel about yourself. If you weigh 3oo pounds and want to wear a bandaid to check the mail, I think it kicks ass if you have enough confidence to do it. Most people don't.

Me, I'm just glad I can see my crotch.

Women Over Forty

2011-12-14T16:06:00.003-05:00

Sausage anyone?

As a woman over forty, I love this! It makes me giggle when younger women think they have it all figured out. I thought the same thing when I was younger. What an idiot I was! I would never go back!

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.

A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

I Love a Heated Hoo-Haa at 10 AM!

2011-12-13T21:03:00.009-05:00

I have a lump. I'm not really alarmed by it as I'm sure it's nothing more than scar tissue but it's a lump none the less and I want to find out what it is. I think that's totally fair. I noticed it when I was in Georgia visiting my mother and when I came back I made an appointment with my doctor. They sent me for an ultrasound which I had 4 days or so later. Those results came back as nothing shown. Well, I can feel it, it's tender to the touch and it moved. Those things don't exactly excite me so rather than just assuming it is scar tissue, I decided to dig a little deeper with the suggested CT scan. I got the order from my doctor, looked it over and then walked across the hall and made an appointment at the imaging place. This is the same place where I had my ultrasound done. The women in there are really nice and when I show up without my order, like I did this morning, I can walk across the hall and get another one, which is what I did.

I got the order five days go and got up bright and early to drink that berry flavored jizz they give you. Two HUGE containers of it and I felt like I was going to be sick 3/4 of the way through the first banana favoured jug. It really is just vile. I refuse to believe we can put a man on the moon but we can't make that shit a little less chalky and vomit inducing. I mean how hard it is really? We can "set it and forget it" but we can't create something that I can keep down for longer than thirty minutes? Yeah, I puked today....three times but in my defense, the first time was the berry jizz, the second time was the nurse's fault and the third time was that fucking contrast. Raise your hand if you want to suck on a rusty lead pipe at 10 AM and have your nether regions heated? Nobody, nobody, Bueller, Bueller? Just talking about it makes my stomach sink.

So I drank that shit. At 8 AM I started with the banana jizz. I had asked for berry but they only had one left and banana was my only other option. I thought it would be the worst of the two and I was right. That's the one I threw up first. It tastes the same going both ways. My friend told me they also have a citrus one but I don't think I was ever given that. That seems like it would be a little less vile but I'm not putting any money on that because it's the consistancy that pushes me over the edge.

So I threw up some of the banana, drank as much of the berry one as I could stomach and pored the rest down the toilet. I mean I tried, I really did but once I puke, I'm donesies. The fact that I tried to motor through the berry is a comment on my sticktoitivness because I was frowning on the outside and screaming on the inside, "MAKE IT STOP!"

I got to the imaging place just in time only to find out that I forgot my doctor's order. No worries, I walked across the hall and got another one. I filled out my paper work which asked me if I was Diabetic and taking Metformin. Odd question I thought but I answered yes to both. Then I changed and left my belonging in this little locker with no lock. I kept my phone and little bag with me because God knows I can't have some fool stealing my "I Run with Vampires" bag.

Now this is where it got a little comical. I couldn't eat anything all morning so the only thing I had on my stomach was two huge things of barium and memories of it coming back up. So when I walked into the room for the scan, wrapped in a paper thin baby blue hospital gown, all I wanted to do was lay down. My humor was gone and that's the point when I usually start to go downhill. I'm not afraid of a CT scan but I know how they affect me. I was already nauseous and I knew it would only get worse.

I had almost made it to the table when the lady said, "We'll get this over as soon as possible. I know you've got all that stuff sitting on your stomach." That's all it took. I got a quick visual of that berriliscious jizz sitting on my stomach before exploding up my throat and I barely made it to the trash can.

After I gave them back some of their barium, I apologized to the lady and suggested perhaps she not give a visual where it wasn't really necessary. I understand that wouldn't do that to most people but even one person is too many when you're the one cleaning up the vomit, which she was. She was kind and just not thinking but uuuuggg, bad timing.

So I laid on the table, awaiting my impending rusty lead pipe doom and it came all too soon. I actually gagged a couple of times on the table but was able to suppress it. No idea how as I'm pretty famous for failing at that. I love how they say "OK, here comes the contrast. You'll get the metallic taste in your mouth and then you'll feel the heat. Mostly in your groin." Huh? I'm sure there is a reason it goes straight to your hoo-haa but I don't know what it is. I have a nurse friend. I'll skip over to Facebook and ask her to see if I can get an answer before I finish. I'd really like to know.

After the scan I felt a little dizzy (totally normal for me) so I laid on the table for a while. The nurse took out my IV, and asked me to hold it in the arm while I put pressure on it. Then I hear her say from behind me. "Are you a Ravens fan?" Ugggg, "No." "Well I hope you like purple!" I hate few things more than purple but good God this woman was cheery. So cheery that I wanted to hate her but I just couldn't. She'd cleaned up my vomit after all. We'd bonded.

I picked up my vampire bag, wrapped my floss like gown around my ass, walked down the hallway full of displaced pride and proceeded to puke my guts out in their bathroom that oddly enough smelled like fresh berries. Full circle moment.

I got dressed and the nurse handed me my discharge instructions. Clearly noted "DO NOT TAKE METFORMIN FOR 48 HOURS AFTER SCAN. MUST HAVE BLOOD WORK DONE FIRST." Say What?

I was pissed because that's something my doctor should have told me beforehand. They know I'm diabetic and they sure as shit know what medication I'm on as they make me tell them at the beginning of every visit. So why wouldn't they tell me beforehand so I can talk to my Endocrinologist before my appointment and make a plan? How does it make sense to tell a diabetic she can't take her insulin for at least two days with no clear plan? I like my actual doctor but her office is a clusterfuck. Get it together people! It's ben a while since I left a doctor's office because I hate the doctor but I've left several within recent memory because the office staff couldn't find their ass in a mirror. This is why I would never see a regular doctor about my Diabetes. It's a waste of time and they have no idea how to properly control it. I shared all of this info with the nurse when I walked across the hall to tell them how stupid that was. Her advice on what I should do with at least two days without Diabetes medication? "Check your blood sugar." No shit, really? I hadn't thought of that. She's a fucking genious! Just for shits and giggles I asked "And what do I do if it's high?" I knew she knew nothing about Diabetes but at this point, I just needed a laugh. "You call us." Yeah, that did it. I laughed out loud. Like I'd call that chick who was probably last in her class in nursing school. I feel good about that. She'd probably tell me to drink apple juice.

I'm totally fine with you not knowing what you're talking about as a nurse. Not every nurse knows everything about everything, but say that. Don't blow wind up my ass and give me health advice that could endanger me. Thankfully I take control over my own medical care and con't just do what I'm told and I have an excellent Endocrinologist so I don't plan on letting "Nurse Hasanybodyseenmyass" kill me.

I had to pull over on the side of the road on the way home because I got dizzy again. It took about thirty minutes for it to go away and I'm certain it was because that barium wreaked havoc on my blood sugar. At least it's done. Now I get to harass those people for my results. Wish me luck! If I can't get them, I'll just check my blood sugar. That seems to be the answer for everything.

Also, my nurse friend didn't know the heated hoo-haa answer. I Googled it but couldn't find anything.

Sigh.....I Love Johnny Flynn in the Lotus Eaters

2011-12-02T08:07:00.033-05:00

Oh Johnny Flynn....mon amour.....I swear that boy can do no wrong.

My husband and I went into DC to the first night of the Irish Film Festival. I'll be honest, I didn't know about the Irish Film Festival but there was a movie premiering there and I'd wanted to see it for some time. In fact, I'd been searching for the movie for well over six months. I could find it no where except far off film festivals and this quaint little theater in West London. I'm just outside of DC so as much as I'd like to hop over the Atlantic Ocean and spend a night with Johnny Flynn, there are limitations.

My husband insisted we get something to eat before we went into the theater, something about working all day. I never eat if I'm really excited about something for two reasons, I'm generally not hungry and I like to be early so I just sat there while he slowly swallowed every bite. I mean he was right in that we had plenty of time and as we were some of the first people there, we clearly had plenty of time but I like to be early when I'm excited. I think I said that already.

I'd found out about the premiere at the E Street Cinema, just a few days ago and was able to get tickets for what was probably the tinniest theater I'd ever been in. While I thought it was the perfect setting for a film festival and the theater clearly had new seats, it had the feeling of an old bomb shelter. We had to go down a large flight of steps and down a hall.....you know. I'm not complaining, I thought it was a nice theater, but that's just how it felt.

I was in love with Johnny Flynn before I got there, that was a given but I'm not the kind a fan who won't be able to see your faults through my love of you. I'm quite the opposite actually in that if I love you, my expectations are higher. So with that thinking, I hadn't expected much. I was able to keep an open mind but Johnny Flynn is such an incredible musician and songwriter, a poet really that I thought for sure he couldn't be really, really good at this as well, right?

Clearly I'm the asshole because not only was he excellent in this movie, this entire movie was excellent! I loved it and I'm just not one to jump to the optimistic side of things in a flash but this movie really was very good, and not just because of Johnny Flynn who plays Charlie, but in all honesty, he was ridiculously good and well suited for this role. The only other movie I'd ever seen him in was Crusade and that's a kids movie so it can't even be rated in the same way as this. In this movie he plays a guy who is spinning out of control and though all of his friends seem to care for him, all they can really do is watch. It's the Elvis Presley rule..."How can you save a man from himself?" Well, you can't.

This is a synopsis I found for Lotus Eaters from the Tribecca Film Festival:

The bright young things of London's social elite lead an excessive, lavish lifestyle that allows them to luxuriate in their own self-destruction. At the center is Alice, an ex-model unable to keep up with the opulent standards her peers feverishly chase. Alice may be in love with her on-and-off boyfriend Charlie, but the multiple pleasures of wealth and youth distract them from commitment. Meanwhile, Felix is besotted with Alice, even as he indecisively takes up with his naïve, needy girlfriend. Between wild summer nights in Glastonbury and the South of France, a lovelorn Orna gets her rocks off weaving overlapping love triangles that wreak havoc on impressionable hearts.

Alexandra McGuinness' elegant black-and-white directorial debut finds the pulse of something real in a hot mess of horses, pet monkeys, spiritual gurus, and vodka baths. Clad in chic, sparkly outfits and perplexing headpieces, a luminescent ensemble led by Antonia Campbell-Hughes with Benn Northover, Amber Anderson, Cynthia Fortune Ryan, Liam Browne, Gina Bramhill, Jay Choi, Alex Wyndham, Daisy Lewis, and Katrena Rochell flounce about to an evocative indie soundtrack featuring the anachronistic folk stylings of lead actor Johnny Flynn alongside performances from emerging bands.

--Roya Rastegar

When we'd first gotten to the screening, I talked to a lady to get more information. I've never really been to a film festival before so I was looking around for a movie poster and couldn't find one. Apparently because there is a different movie each night of the festival, they don't have posters. I still think they should but that's just me. BUT, she was kind and gave me some info which I photographed above and promised to send me some high res. photos that I still haven't gotten. Hopefully I will soon.

She also told me about the opening night party for the film festival which would be at a restaurant nearby. When she was first inviting me, I was only half listening because I thought there was no way my husband would be up for that after working all day and kind of being along for the ride on this one, but I mentioned it and he wasn't totally against it so I went back for more information and we decided to go.

The party was at the AGAINN Restaurant on New York Ave. I guess it's a British/American restaurant. We actually had bangers, which I think my husband usually loves. I had a little bit of food but just drank water but the food I did eat was really good and the bartender was friendly. I don't ask for more than that. I guess it was a bit of a Scotch bar as well. Some people have their own cabinet where their own special scotch is stored. Seemed kind of pretentious, but what do I know? I don't drink Scotch.

This is me at the restaurant as I looked around and gave my husband a few minutes to enjoy his beer.

Nice knockers!

Another really, really great thing about this movie has the actress who played Alice. She was there last night and shyly introduced the film. Her name is Antonia Campbell-Hughes and she is brilliant! I don't know much about her but don't kid yourself into thinking that I didn't come home and Google her! She's had a really busy year so there should be a lot of her to see soon. Good for her! She's hella talented! I was able to speak with her last night and she's very kind as well. Tiny little thing with some kick ass heels but very soft spoken, very British and skin that looks like it's never seen the sun. I don't mean that in a bad way, she's actually very pretty. I'm just saying that her skin is like spun silk. It reminded me of my two year old daughter. Beautiful skin.

Now I can't quote her on anything because my mind doesn't work that way and it's not like I was taking notes but we talked a bit about Johnny Flynn when she asked me how I'd heard of the film. I love being able to tell someone of another great thing I learned via Johnny Flynn. I also wanted her to know I'd be posting on my blog as well as the JohnnyFlynnNews on Twitter. "Oh yeah, Johnny's Twitter! I know that girl who runs it..." She clicked her fingers together, searching for the name she knew.

"Rebecca?" I said.

"Oh yeah, Rebecca! You know her?"

I smiled. "I do."

"Johnny's world is a tight one" she said.

What I said, "Of course." What I was screaming inside, "Hell yeah, we're kinda like folk soldiers!"

She told me how his part in the film hadn't originally been that large but because he was so good, they made his part bigger. She also mentioned how she thought he was going to focus more on acting for a while because of the burdens that come with being responsible for a full band and the fact that he is newly married and a has a brand new baby. Who wouldn't want to stay closer to home for that? While I totally understand this, it saddens me. He's so talented that I think he deserves to be more well known. I hate to think that after two amazing albums like that he would consider throwing in the towel. It just seems unfair. I can't help but question the people who are handling him. Hello? Facebook page! Jump into 2011 before 2012 kicks you in the ass!!! When someone offers to run it for free...TAKE THEM UP ON IT WHEN YOU HAVEN'T UPDATED IT SINCE AUGUST 19th!!!

Anyway, it was a great night and a great movie! Please go see it if you get the chance. The story is interesting, the clothes are fabulous and it's packed with lots of great actors! Worth every penny!

Check out her IMDB page HERE. Lots of stuff in the works!

We didn't stay at the party long as we had a babysitter with the kids and my husband had to work in the morning but I had a really good time. I got out of the house on a big girl date with my husband. we don't get to do that often. We saw a great movie I'd been scoping out for ages. I met some really nice people, including a great new actress I just discovered and I got to carry on my love of all things Johnny Flynn. I think I might love him even more knowing that THIS is his backup plan. Jesus, to be so talented!

If you don't know who Johnny Flynn is, there is just no excuse for that. Look him up. He's worth a listen:

Johnny Flynn Facebook

Johnny Flynn Official Twitter Account

JohhnyFlynn.com

The trailer:

.....and the it was back to Chinatown to get on the Metro.

There was a hockey game tonight. Beer hats!!

Apparently there is a bike honor system in Washington DC. An honor system in DC. That's fucking hysterical!

Source

My Sister

2011-11-24T18:15:00.015-05:00

Yeah, I have one. That's her on the left. Five years older. My brother is on the other side. I'm the little Orangutan looking baby in the middle there.

Families are hard. You can pick your friends, you can pick you nose and you can even pick your ass but you can't pick your family. You get what you get. Being embarrassed by them is a waste of time, trust me. I would know. Sometimes you have to love them enough to tell them how much they suck and on this Thanksgiving after making phone calls to my family, all but my sister, I find myself a little annoyed.

I love my sister. I feel like I need to say that but my animosity towards her has reached a fever pitch. And I don't want any responses from this post telling me how life is too short and I should accept her for what she is because this goes way beyond that. You can say that to me when your 46 year old sister has been jobless for over twenty years, uses TENN CARE and her son's injury settlement like her own personal piggy bank and seems to enjoy watching the cycle continue in her children...and Grandchildren. Did I mention I was from Tennessee?

My brother discovered, much to my shock and dismay that my sister was on Facebook. Now you're going to have trouble understanding how earth shattering that is without a little bit of back ground so here it goes. My sister once (in 1999, maybe) asked if I'd talked to my brother. I told her that I hadn't talked to him but I'd emailed him. Her response, "What is email?" She just isn't up on the latest things and where she lives, to be honest, it isn't necessary. So perhaps you can understand my chin dropping to the ground when my brother sends me an IM, "MELODY IS ON FACEBOOK!" I immediately responded with "NO SHE ISN'T!" because there was no way my sister had a Facebook account. It was just inconceivable to me but sure as shit, I searched her and not only did she have one, but my nephew did as well. My initial response, I was furious.

I was furious because she's had a Facebook account since September 27, 2010. She has 176 friends and she even has as section for family and none of her family are listed. Well, he son is. But the other people listed as her "daughters' are of no relation that I know. This isn't a "You didn't friend me on FB!" thing. This is a "How dare you send my mother a letter over the summer begging her to bail you out of jail when you'd been on Facebook for eight months with an easy way to contact her or me to tell us you and your children were OK and you never made the fucking effort?" That is so offensive that I can't even explain properly how my blood is boiling. So incredibly selfish and self serving.

I'm not going to post any recent photos of my sister for a couple of reasons. First, while my blog is about my story and my life as I see it, it isn't about hers, until it intersects with mine. Then it becomes my story to tell. A photo of her with a boyfriend I haven't met, a photo of her in her cap and gown when she received her general equivalency, neither of those are mine to share but photos of us when we were younger are. I'm also not sharing them because she's fallen so far that to be honest, her recent photos are difficult to look at and I just don't like to.

I have all of the family photos as well as my Grandmother's china because she couldn't be trusted with them. She wouldn't take care of them and show them the respect they deserved. This has been proven time and time again. Thank God because they'd be on an episode of Storage Wars right now instead of safely in a chest down stairs at my house.

I've been asked time and time again since I moved away from Tennessee "Why did you move away from your family?" Trust me, it wasn't easy. If I remember correctly, I cried for at least 40 miles and even had to pull over at some point because I couldn't see the road through my tears. It was tough but there are times in your life that the hardest thing to do is the right thing. I could have lived in Nashville my entire life and been absolutely nothing and it would have been OK, perhaps even expected. My sister is a failure and I mean at almost everything. I love her so that is difficult for me to say, but it is the truth. She dropped out of school in the 8th grade and that's where her mentality stayed. She's never grown past that point and at 40, I'm just tired of waiting. I haven't spoken to my sister since I finally found her well over three months after the HUGE flooding in Nashville about two years ago. I searched her out. None of her phone numbers worked, but they never do. I contacted local businesses and even residential addresses around her until someone finally found her. Her response, "What?"

Seriously? Is she so stupid that she didn't for one second think that her family would be concerned for her and her children after a flood like that? People died!! She didn't once think of calling one of us to let us know they're alive? No, she didn't and there is only one reason for that. She didn't need anything.

My sister calls, whenever she's in jail. Written promises of a payment plan and all the ways she'll make it up to you if you can "just help me out this one time." The last time I bailed her out it was to the tune of $2500. There were lots of promises that time. She's not made one attempt to pay anyone back and we know she has no intentions. Selfish. She's just selfish.

I've stopped making the effort. I guess it's been two years now. Her birthday is the day before mine. I'd call and wish her a happy birthday and at the end of the call she'd say. "Happy birthday tomorrow if I don't talk to you!" Yeah, that meant she wasn't calling and she didn't. She doesn't call for Thanksgiving, She doesn't call for Christmas. She doesn't call on my children's birthdays. There were years when I would drive to Tennessee, pick her kids up and drive them for a week at my mother's house in Georgia. I'd buy them some new clothes, school supplies, things they needed and then I'd drop their ungrateful asses off with her and drive the twelve ours back to my house. I stopped doing it when I had kids because, I have kids and that trip isn't as easy with a two year old and because I don't want my children around the lifestyle she has chosen for herself. In that world people lose their kids as often as they get arrested which I tell you is all the fucking time. I'm not interested in being anywhere near that. I want more for my family.

My sister is the reason I think trailers are the worst form of failure. She's the reason when we run out of toilet paper or milk I feel like a failure. She's the reason why my kids always look nice even if we're only going to the market. I don't know how to absentmindedly throw an outfit on my kids because I don't want to feel like I didn't give it any thought. I just don't know how to do that and the dirtiness of my young nephews stuck with me and I refuse to allow my own kids to appear the way hers did. It was just wrong. She's the reason I own so many bibs for River and worry so much about her clothes. The intelligent adult in me knows that they're only clothes but the feeling of poverty and dirtiness I see when I see a child in stained clothes and a dirty face is unsettling for me. She is also the reason when my house is cold, I feel poor because there were times (often) she didn't pay her bills and she and her kids would all sleep in one room because their house was freezing. Yet she was never with out pot. That seemed to always be the one constant. I wasn't the one in a cold house but knowing your family is in that situation weighs on you. Perhaps me more than her. Twenty+ years of having that weigh on you takes it toll.

I was talking to a friend one night not so long ago and I confided that I needed to slow down on buying the kids clothes. River more so than Owen. River didn't walk until she was almost 23 months old and when she did, I went crazy buying dresses. You can't wear a dress well when you're crawling. It's just difficult so now River has so many dresses that I can't fit them in her drawers, even after giving away three boxes worth of clothes. She had probably 20+ dresses laying over the rocking chair in her room because I have no place to put them. I told my friend this and she turned to me and said "What void are you trying to fill?" To be honest, it was an excellent question. The answer after way too much thought is that I just don't want to feel poor. I mean I already think like a poor person in that I buy cheaply (most of the time) but something about not having what I need or nice things like a new dress for my daughter, makes me feel dirty and pathetic and I blame my sister for that. For all the times I gave her kids gifts to visit the next time and they were either broken or had been pawned. For all the things my nephews did without because she took their money and used it to buy drugs. For all the times we couldn't send them cash in their birthday cards because she would take it. I blame her.

The truth is, my sister is the worst thing I could ever imagine being. That's a terrible thing to have to say about your sister. Every youngest child wants to be able to look up to their siblings and I feel like I have that with my brother but I've never had it with my sister and as a little girl growing up, I always wanted that and never got it. I want so badly to be proud of her but she never gives me the chance. It's shameful and I'm tired of feeling guilty for it, I'm tired of the constant concern I have to have for her because she takes care of nothing. I hear people say "my sister and I are nothing alike." I always laugh because I think they have no idea.

If I could say one thing to my sister today it would be this, It's Thanksgiving at my house too. It sure would be nice to have a big sister I was proud of but I gave up on that the time you shot up drugs in front of me when I was twelve. I have children and I want more for them than you clearly want for your own. They're good kids that you'll never know but get over yourself and do for my kids what I did for yours. Send them a fucking Christmas card. Know when their birthdays are. It's really not that difficult to care about someone besides yourself. Try it for once in your life. Also, while you're at it, tell me who you think is going to pay for your headstone, because I'm not.

"I Could Refer You To A Clinical Psychologist"

2011-11-23T17:15:00.018-05:00

Mother of all things holy!

My husband took the day off, which was nice. My kids have been a special kind of crazy this week and I have no idea why, so it was nice to have him here knowing I had a doctor's appointment later today. A doctor's appointment alone? I was sure it would be like a mini vacation!

Chris made breakfast this morning and after I finished washing the dishes, we went to the market to shop for our Thanksgiving dinner. The In laws are coming up tomorrow so it isn't just us. We're keeping it relatively small but the smallest turkey we could find was over seventeen pounds. We did pretty good polishing off the leftovers last year. I just hope my husband understands that next week he'll have turkey in his peanut butter sandwiches, underneath his corn and at the bottom of his cup of coffee. It will be everywhere. I like turkey but I would have preferred a Cornish game hen. Meh..whatever.

We got to the market early as to hopefully find a turkey that wasn't frozen solid. We did. In fact, most of them were thawed. I'm not sure what you do with a frozen turkey on Thanksgiving Eve. So we got our things in spite of the place being full of crazy people who just stood there and get the hell out. I was really careful when I picked out the turkey because last year Giant tried to wipe out my entire family by selling us a rotten turkey. When I went (on Christmas Day ) to return it, they had nothing so I was forced to go to Safeway and purchase what was probably the most disgusting piece of meat that we ended up just throwing away. I'd like for that not to happen again. We'll see. If you don't hear from us for a week, send the police to our house.

On the way home from the market I stopped by the fabric store and signed up for knitting classes. You'd think knitting classes would be easy to come by but they were kinda hard to find. Michaels, nope. JoAnne's, nope. The only reason I found this class was becauce I found an atricle about the girl teaching this class as I was searching for knitting in my area. And these aren't just any knitting classes, this is Irish knitting! Please don't ask me what that means because I have no idea. It may just involve pounding Guinness while you knit. I don't care. It sounds romantic. It's a three week class that I start in December. Hopefully I'll learn something. I'm excited at the prospect!

Later in the day after I'd done some prep work for Thanksgiving and my daughter was napping, I grabbed my Kindle and went to my mini vacation, I mean doctor's appointment. I was going for two reasons. One, while I was at my mother's house last week, I thought I felt a lump on my side. Not a big gigantic mass, but something hard that I didn't feel on the other side. Since I'm of the chunky persuasion I almost didn't go thinking it was probably nothing and I felt kinda stupid going to see my doctor when I tried to find it this morning and couldn't. Two, and this is unrelated, I have a clear learning disability and I think it's time I made an attempt to find out more about it and what can be done. If nothing else it could help me understand my son's disability and how to better help him. It would also be nice to read a book like a normal person without having the Kindle read it to me as I read. Retaining some of what I read would be nice as well.

So as I laid down on the table and was explaining to my doctor that I felt stupid because I couldn't find the main reason why I'd come to see her, I found it. It took me a minute and it was higher than I remembered but it was there. It isn't tender, which she said was a good thing but it's there and I'd like to know what it is. I asked her if it felt like something that shouldn't be there and she said "It definitely shouldn't be there." OK, now what.

I have an ultrasound Tuesday at 8 AM. I knew it had been too long since I had a near catastrophe. She mentioned that it was near my incision from gallbladder surgery and that it could just be scar tissue, but the ultrasound should tell me. On to the next issue....

I explained my learning disability issues to her in hopes she could steer me in the right direction. I understand it isn't a medical issue but as a medical professional I thought she could refer me to someone who could help. She listened to me explain my iseues and then sat down and said, "I could refer you to a clinical psychologist." My mind screamed "You must be fucking kidding me!!!"" My mouth said "Is that where I have to go, really?"

My first thought was to scrap the whole thing.

Then I thought of my son and if understanding myself better would help me understand him, I at least have to try. I had immediate visions of explaining to a psycho doctor that while I lived in an orphanage for a while as a kid, don't have the best relationship with my father, have a sister who I never talk to and is in and out of jail more often than I fart and have a family that is, well, distant, that I'm not crazy, depressed or even confused. Hey, I'm not saying I don't have issues, I do. I just don't let where I've been dictate my life. I found out years ago that being a victim didn't benefit me so I stopped. But that isn't my only issue with psycho doctors. This may shock you but I tend to be a little arrogant and don't like being told what to do, even if it's just hinted at. I'm just not opened to it. To say I'm an insufferable patient is an understatement. I once had a psycho doctor tell me that "perhaps you could attempt to be a more forgiving person." Really? They sent you to school to learn that shit? I told him, yeah him, "You know nothing about me if you'd even suggest that." I never went back. I'm not paying someone to blow wind up my ass an hour every week.

So while I will go out of my way to locate a reliable psycho doctor on Monday morning, I won't be happy about it. I know one thing, I want a woman. I've had both male and female psycho doctors and I like women better. There are certain professions that I just prefer a certain sex. I never questioned that my children's pediatrician had to be a woman. I would never have chosen a man. I want my dentist to be a man. I want my neurologist to be a man. I want my surgeon to be a man. I want my general practitioner and yuck doctors to be women. My Urologist is a man and I love him. I love my female Endocrinologist as well but I could take that either way. A man wouldn't bother me. I know there are good doctors in all these professions both male and female but I choose what I'm comfortable with and usually it's a woman. I certainly wanted a mother for our pediatrician. I thought that was paramount. How can you get practical advice from a non parent man? If it makes you feel any better, I like the person who cuts my hair to be either gay or crazy. Right now, she's crazy.

So in the end I got a referral for an ultrasound which I need to fast for so I scheduled it for Tuesday. I'm trying to get someone to watch the kids so Chris doesn't have to take the day off. I hope the results come in quick because while I'm sure it's nothing, it will worry me until I hear someone say that. I also have to call an attorney for a totally different issue involving my son. I was hoping for a uneventful week but I should have known that was a pipe dream.

So, on Monday I get to call a doctor and a lawyer. Add an Indian Chief to that and we've got ourselves a fucking nursery rhyme! Yay me!

Walmart is a Shithole

2011-11-17T13:41:00.016-05:00

I wish I just meant that my Walmart is a shithole but sadly, I don't. I mean I think my Walmart is a special case of filth and laziness but all Walmarts suck these days and it's a shame. Poor Sam Walton must be turning in his grave over the crapfest his dream turned into.

Where I live we have a choice of two Walmarts. The newer "Super" Walmart by the airport and the "Armpit" Walmart by my son's school. I'll be honest, neither one of them is great. The one by the airport is better but it's by the airport and that's a bit of a drive from the school. I just didn't want to make a production of the few things we needed. I dropped my son at school this morning and River and I drove to the closer one, knowing ahead of time that it is a big ole' mess. My theory was this; Breaking Dawn is coming out tonight! I'm going to see the midnight showing with a friend and then I'm going to turn around and see it with another friend tomorrow night. Nothing can stop me today. My "Isle Esme" tip top mood can not be broken...right? RIGHT?

We needed dog food. Dog food and a birthday gift for our friend Logan who is turning two today. We're going to his party on Sunday so we've got some time to play with but I wanted to find something good so I'd have it done.

We walked into the building that houses Walmart and River immediately runs to this jet ski ride that I always let her ride when we go. It's only $.50 and she loves it so what the hell? I helped her crawl on top in her kick ass rockstar boots (which are not made for jet skis) and she gets situated. I pulled out my black "I Run with Vampires" case (yeah, I have one) and dug out the two quarters I needed. I dropped the money inside while saying "Now hold on River so it doesn't jerk you" as I put in the last quarter.......nothing. I banged on it a few times....nothing. I checked to make sure it was plugged in...nothing.

"Sorry River, this P.O.S. is broken. I'll get you a treat inside."

"OK, Momma." I helped her down from the faux jet ski, kicked it once with my own boot and we walked into Walmart.

Ummm, nothing like the smell of Marlboro Reds and failure to get the morning going. Now this Walmart really is a treat. It's dirty, it generally smells like stale sausage and the people who work there would rather chew on their own feet than go to work. I know these things before I get there. The reason I go to this one is because it is (or was) a regular Walmart and not a "Super" Walmart. I'm from the south. I remember when Walmarts were still a good place to go. I remember when they were clean and people were proud to work there. Also, because I'm from the south, I know what a real Super Walmart is. It is a gigantic Walmart where a grocery store is added in addition to bigger departments within Walmart. Here (which I understand is technically a southern state because I know where the Mason Dixon is but come on) a "Super" Walmart means they shrink a regular shitty Walmart, delete departments and take things from departments to add a grocery store that carries old fruit and shitty milk. The Walmarts here suck and there is nothing southern about this state and the only people who think that are people who are from here. Not judging, but this ain't the south, that's all I'm sayin'.

So a "Super" Walmart does nothing for me and I know if I want to find something, I have to go to the normal Walmart where they still have shit. At least that was my plan until I discovered they're turning this shitfest into a "Super" Walmart. I mean if a normal Walmart carries fifteen types of laundry detergent and they take away five of those to shrink the department, am I seriously the only one who notices that? Granted, they're not going to get rid of Tide but I don't use Tide so I noticed.

We walk into this Walmart hunting dog food and a birthday gift. Oh, we also needed a Santa hat for daddy. Upon our entrance we had to walk through a Walmart "pep rally." If you 've never seen such a thing, every vision the words conjure up are true. I'm not even going to get into it but it was like walking through a 1970s, really bad movie, complete with rainbow footed socks and horribly fake eyelashes. I'll just leave it right there.

Anyhoo,I went for the Santa hat first because that would be the first thing I'd forget. I found it. $3 and right under the blow up decoration of Santa taking a shit. Total side note but if I drive by your house and I see this shit in your front yard, I am going to pull over, dig my special Eclipse pen from my diaper bag and drive it into that hideous monstrosity. Consider it a gift. I know your neighbors will thank me.

We got the Santa hat and moved onto the dog food. It was easy enough. I mean it was so high on the top shelf that I had to make River hide behind the cart while I knocked five bags onto the floor just to get one. Whateves, I got my dog food. Not very customer friendly but no surprises there. Veruca eats good tonight. Then I moved onto the toys.

Sigh....Walmart is not the place I like to buy toys but I was trying to kill two birds with one stone so I looked around. I found a toy that Owen had when he was younger.

He didn't have the exact one but it was similar and he played with it for ages. I thought Logan would love it so I threw it in the cart. Now we'd probably been in the store for over thirty minutes at this point and on my way to the checkout, I realized I'd forgotten to get him a card. I circled around and searched for the cards that aren't where they used to be because everything is in the process of moving. Even the front door is in a different place and the directionals are so poor that you have no idea where you're going. I find the cards and behind me, this "pep rally" is still going on. Now I have no idea what would take thirty minutes to discuss between these people or why some idiot thought it was a good idea to not only block up the isles with this thirty person gabfest but to block up the front entrance. I mean, really? Think it through people! Do you not have a stockroom? You have to do this where we walk into the store? I guess it makes sense to some people to stand around holding your dick while you're store is falling apart. There was cheering. It really was off putting.

So, I got my card and headed to the checkout after looking for the new Entertainment Weekly that I knew wouldn't be out yet. There were four isles open out of the over more than fifteen or so. Why not? God knows you don't want to break up "Walmart University" in the name of customer service. So, I waited. I was third in line and I wasn't complaining. If you go to Walmart looking for a smile and to get out quickly, you're an idiot.

At some point one of the managers walks by and starts pointing at the customers behind me. There were three and he points at them to go to other registers as opposed to waiting in this longer line. If you've ever been in this particular Walmart, you probably would recognize this guy. He's got the shiniest head you've ever seen and the worst hair plugs. It actually looks like he's got a dark coloured donut under his plugs. Oh wait, was I not supposed to notice that? He's apparently not only a client......

Call me crazy but when new lines open up, doesn't common sense (something else you shouldn't be looking for at Walmart) dictate that you take the first person in line to a newly opened register and not the three people directly behind her? I look at him like "Are you a fucking idiot or what?" because that is exactly what I was thinking and he actually said to me, "Sorry Ma'am, there were no more registers. Without blinking I responded. "No shit, really? You don't say?" Fucking. Moron.

So finally I get to the front of the line and Chainsmoker McCheary checks me out. Brush your hair much? Is there no dress code or hygiene code at Walmart? I'm going with no. I know it's gross but I honestly expect some of these people to be walking around with shit stains in their underpants. Most of them seem so dirty. How does someone not notice this?

When I put the toy I'd gotten for Logan on the counter I realize it's been banged up and scuffed so I don't want it for him. Instead of waiting in the "Customer Service" (another thing not to look for at Walmart) line twice, I go back, get another one and bring it up. Now, the one I am replacing it with is filthy. I mean it looks like it's been sitting outside there is so much dirt on it but it's the kind of dirt I can wipe off whereas the other one was not fixable. I wasn't happy about it but I took it to "Customer Service" anyway to switch it out. They only had two so if I wanted this toy, it was my only option. I'm not even sure these photos show the level of filth on this toy but it really is terrible. There are only two reasons why someone would be proud to work in a store that allows their shit to look like this and that is because you are a buffoon or because you are a buffoon.

Nothing annoys me more than having to walk someone through something. I mean it's not my fault you're stupid. Why should I have to educate you on your own job? It's like me walking up to you and saying, "Do you know how this diaper works?" After being completely ignored by the chick on the left with no teeth, I walk up to the counter and slam the toy down after she starts helping someone who was just walking by. I just start talking. I'm annoyed by this point and I would just like to go home and cleanse my daughter and myself.

Here's the conversation:

Me ~ "I just bought this. It is damaged. I am returning it and buying this dirty one." Straight to the point as not to confuse her.

Stupid McStupidton ~ "You want to do what?"

Me ~ Heavy "Sigh...I am returning this one." Hand on top of the toy. "I am buying this one." Hand on top of other toy so that a goat could understand.

Stupid McStupidton ~ "You want the dirty one?"

Me ~ "Yes, apparently this is the best y'all can do and I can clean this one. I can't meld plastic back together. You take this one." I push it towards her because her ineptitude was wearing on me and the only thing keeping me sane was the vampire sex in my near future. "I am taking this one." I picked up my receipt and I walked away. She said something but unless she wanted to chase me out of the door that I couldn't find, I wasn't going back. As it is, I walked to the wrong end of that vile obstruction of a store and had to turn around and come back, passing Shiny McHairplug on the way out. Thank God my mood wasn't compromised before I got there. These people have Edward Cullen to thank for that. They have no idea! Make fun of Twilight all you want but that shit saved your ass today!

Moment of Zen...Moment of Zen....

........Must move on......

I walked out of Walmart ready to spit fire and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I mean I felt dirty and my dog is going to have to eat something else because I plan to shun that place for a while. Here's the kicker. When I pulled out the toy to look over it's dirtiness, I noticed something. See that empty spot where a car should be? That's where Lightening McQueen goes. HE ISN'T THERE!! I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THAT INBRED CATASTROPHE OF MISSING TEETH, WRANGLERS AND LOVERS OF WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Fuck me. I'm just returning it and doing what I should have done to begin with. I'm going to Target. Those people may be assholes but at least they bathe. Also, I like red.

I feel dirty.

My Hotel Room Smells Like Vomit

2011-11-08T19:43:00.029-05:00

For the first time ever I decided to load up my brood and drive them the 10+ hours to my mother's house in Georgia. I've made the trip in 9.5 hours by myself but with my chitlins in tow, it took 12. No biggie. They were really good in the car so it didn't feel like that long at all. They never bitched and moaned about getting out of the car or screamed for different music. River did knock her DVD cord out a few times so I had to stop to fix that.

We spent a few days with momma and then I drove up to Nashville to visit with my father and his wife, see some friends and get a really good haircut. It was the first time daddy had met my kids so that was nice. Owen spent the whole visit asking what kind of food they have. I swear his next meal is always on his mind.

Since it's a bit of a drive I decided to get a hotel room just outside of Nashville. The haircut is tomorrow but today we left Georgia around 7ish and drove to Tennessee. We visited a friend, drove by the house I grew up in, went to Centennial Park to see the Parthenon, visited my Grandparent's graves and even hit a Confederate Cemetery on the way up just for shits and giggles where I got to hear a recorded speech about how the Civil War was not about slavery, but states rights and the distortion of the meaning of the Confederate flag, ummm, ok.

I've always loved cemeteries but only stopped here because it was right off the Interstate and River had kicked out the power cord to the DVD player again. I'm not poking fun at the cemetery or the men buried there but I could not possibly disagree with anything this guy said anymore than I do. That aside, it's moving to see headstones that are marked only "Unknown Soldier." It must stink to never know.

When we rolled into the hotel both kids were asleep and it was only 4:30. Time wise, we are totally lost. We live in Eastern time, drove to Central time and we fell back on Sunday. I'm so fucking confused that as I sit here I can see three clocks and they have three different times. I have no idea what time it is.

When we came into our hotel room Owen immediately set up his Chuggington tracks on the floor and River got out her bag of Strawberry Shortcake dolls. All was good. There was some fussing when Owen kept laying Strawberry on his train tracks and running her over but I put an end to it and all was right with the world.

I noticed that River was acting sluggish. She was clearly exhausted but it was so early that I felt like I couldn't let her go to sleep. She crawled under the covers, put her head on a pillow and pulled the covers up to her neck and with a smile announced "I'm going to sleep." I thought she was joking until I looked over and her eyes were closed. She can't go to sleep at 4:30ish or she'll wake up in the middle of the night. So, because it was so early (either 4:30 or 5:30) I plucked River out of bed, dressed her, put her in the stroller and we walked over to the shopping center across the street. They have a Target and I was on the hunt for the Breaking Dawn Part I soundtrack that came out today! We passed a little shop where I bought a pink (yes, pink) dress for River with matching bloomers. They were having a 60% off sale so I bought it. She doesn't have much from Nashville and I figure this was better than a big ass ugly orange sweatshirt she'll never wear. Go Team!!! But we just don't do orange.

So we were in Target when I asked the kids if they were hungry. River said lightly "Yes momma." This should have been a tip off for me that something was up. She'd not once tried to get out of her stroller and she wasn't forceful about dinner. That's not my River but I knew she was tired so I let it go. I found a small train for Owen and looked at Strawberry Shortcake dolls for River. They didn't have anything that she didn't already own so I didn't get her anything. She didn't complain. That was curious.

I walked through Target pushing my sleepy baby while my big boy ran along side me checking out all the toys and marveled on how great the trip had been so far and how much fun I was having with them. The trip had been so easy and I was loving spending time alone in the hotel for the night with them. We were really just having a good time. Those are thoughts you should just push away because no good can come from them. They're only something you remember with a laugh after everything has gone to shit.

I found the Water for Elephants DVD/Blu-Ray/Digital Copy I'd been looking for but they only had the regular Breaking Dawn Part I soundtrack instead of the Deluxe Edition so I didn't buy it. I was bummed because I'd been looking forward to listening to it but I'd rather wait. On the way out, I asked the kids if they wanted some milk from Starbucks. I got them the milk, opened them and handed them off. River sipped hers lightly and I went to the Target food area to get them some mac & cheese and apples for dinner. I picked up the apples and looked away for a second and that's when I heard it. The sound of projectile vomit. By the time I turned back to look at her it was over. It's like seeing the coverage of a natural disaster on TV and thinking to yourself, "I just can't imagine how that happened." I immediately felt terrible for pushing her to stay awake. I don't think I've ever had to do that but it had just made sense.

She had whistled beef all the way over to my cloth Bannanarama shoes. I think that's the farthest either of my kids has ever thrown up. I mean she didn't clear herself by any means because she got the worst smelling puke all down her denim jacket and white knit dress, which is one of my favorite things of hers. I left the apples on the counter and grabbed my Starbucks napkins to catch the stragglers that were coming out if her mouth. She was so tired that it didn't even phase her but it was horribly vile.

I don't think she's getting anything and I don't think she's sick. I just think her clock is off, she's been eating mostly crap and she was in the car for most of the day. Tomorrow, I will make sure she eats better. We might even stay in the hotel as late as we can so she can get some sleep. I'm thinking of taking the kids to get a croissant in the morning and maybe some eggs. I think she'd do better with something decent on her stomach. I mean a box of milk pushed her over the edge. I'm sure it would have been the same if I'd given her water. It was just her breaking point.

So, instead of spending the night in a big comfy bed by myself like I'd planned, I am sleeping next to my four year old while my tiny 26 pound two year old is wrapped up by herself, sleeping it off. Instead of watching my baby play with her Strawberry Shortcake dolls, I got to clean her vomit soaked clothes with a bar of cheap hotel soap in the sink with water that never got hot enough. Although I've done a really good job of cleaning, my hotel room smells like vomit. I have no way of washing her clothes properly until I get back to Momma's house so I'm sure the van will smell like roses on the trip tomorrow. I guess I should just be happy that she missed her Timberlands.

Even with all that, there's an upside. River is incredibly gentle, as is Owen when they are not feeling well. I couldn't even do that when I was in high school. Hell, I'm still not sure I could do that. If I throw up it ruins my whole day. My kids just shake it off. Also, Owen is being hella sweet tonight. He's been just this side of crazy for the last few days but tonight he's being very quiet while River sleeps and occasionally touches my face with his hands, pulls me to him and gives me a sweet kiss on the lips. Such an angel.

Good times.

Trains Don't Stop Your Soul, They Break Your Heart.

2011-10-28T22:09:00.013-04:00

My son loves trains. I mean he really loves trains. I've never seen a kid love trains like he does. He talks about them all day, loves when he gets to ride on one and sleeps with the Toys R Us BIG BOOK opened to the trains page. It's just ridiculous.

After my son got out of school today I took him and his sister to a nearby park. We go to this park every year and try to catch the fall leaves at their peak. We missed them this year by at least a week but it was still beautiful. The reds were already gone and those leaves are my favorite.

I take a lot of photos of my children and they've gotten really good at humoring me. For the most part they do what I ask and when they don't, I bribe them. Either way, I generally get the photos I want. Both of my kids were very good today and I promised Owen that when we were finished we would go to the playground. We had a party to get to later and I still hadn't made my yummy peach cobbler so we needed to motor to get it all done in time but when we finished, I loaded them back up and drove around to the playground. When we got there, the playground was roped off and it was closed. Owen was furious! I think I even heard a deep guttural growl when I told him it was closed. Truth is, I had a dilemma. There are two other playgrounds in this park and I could have taken the kids there but we'd had trouble at both before and I'd sworn to never return. Luckily I had some chocolate milk in the car and I knew where we were going for our party had train tracks we had to cross over so I quickly promised him that we'd wait and see a train on the way and avoided the bodily injury that would surely come should we go to those other playgrounds.

>With two kids in costumes and hot peach cobbler in my hand we headed to our Halloween party. We were listening to Johnny Flynn because it's my car and I listen to him all the time and all of us were singing along, per our usual. We got to the train tracks ans like I promised, we pulled over. We waited and we waited. Thankfully I'd left early so we weren't late yet but if we waited much longer we would be. The party started at 4:30 and it was rapidly approaching. I can think of few things tackier than being late and I absolutely hate being late! It stresses me out, but we waited.

After about fifteen minutes I turned to Owen and said "Buddy we might have to go to our party and come back another time to see a train." He was not pleased and I promised, so we waited.

Finally I turned to two fidgety children and said "Owen, we need to go. We will listen to this next Johnny Flynn song and if the train hasn't come, we're going." With an "OK" that sounded more like it came from the mouth of a zit faced 15 year old than my little 4 year old angel, I took out my Droid and started recording as this song started. I thought Johnny Flynn's Trains was perfect and I had zero hope that a train would actually come so we might as well listen to some good tunes while we waited in vain.

As the song neared the end and I knew we needed to go, the rail lights started flashing and my son screamed "Here comes a train Momma!" I actually jumped when he screamed. That's why you see my fingers for a second.

I'm not sure what it is about trains but I always found them a little depressing. Not so much trains like this but the big freight trains which my son loves more than anything. I always picture hungry people sleeping in those dirty cars on their way to nowhere. I might watch too many movies. Anyhoo, here's the video I shot for my son. He hasn't seen it yet but he'll be tickled pink when he watches it during breakfast!

He's a train for Halloween for God sakes!

My Daughter is a Princess

2011-10-26T18:31:00.022-04:00

Admission is the first step towards acceptance.

I don't even know how it happened. I mean I can think of a lot of words to describe myself but princess isn't even in the top 100. I can imagine my friends would find the thought of that comical. I'm just not very girly, or "fluffy" as I like to call them and I guess I expected my daughter to not be "fluffy" as well. Turns out, she's a little fluffy.

It's not like this is a shock. I saw it coming. She doesn't like to be dirty. If she spills milk, she screams until I clean it up. If she falls, she looks at her hands and grunts at the dirt and if corrected she immediately yells "Momma, can I have a tissue?" She does this because she wants to dab the tears from her eyes in case she cries. WTF? Nothing but drama. Then I signed her up for ballet.

The day I paid the tuition for her ballet class, I took her to Target to try on leotards and tutus. It was a mistake in that I ended up putting it all back and buying new ones at a local consignment shop because they were crazy expensive! A black leotard was $17 at Target! I just couldn't justify that for a two year old. However, at Target when I tried them on her, she immediately stepped on the stool and looked at herself in the mirror and yelled "Look momma, I'm a princess!" I just sighed while tracing my memory bank for any time we watched or discussed Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Belle or Ariel. I found nothing. If she said she wanted to be Bella Swan, that would have made sense to me but this princess bullshit threw me for a loop.

I think she liked ballet. Of course "ballet" to her is running around in a room full of mirrors. That's right up her ally. She basically spends the hour looking at herself in the mirror, making faces at herself and asking if she can "twirl."

I know she looks constipated in this first photo but she's practicing her whine.

The ballet bar was blocking her view.

Oh, that's me back there too!

Woot Woot!

There aren't enough mirrors for two Rivers.

Work it! Own it!

I asked her what she wanted to be for Halloween. My fingers were crossed that she'd want to be a witch. I could seriously work something like that. I had the black tutu dress all planned out in my mind but instead she announced proudly, "I want to be a princess!" Ugghhh...where do I begin?

Shoes. I started with the shoes. I knew immediately that there would be no glass slippers involved. We don't do glass slippers up in here! I absolutely refuse to let my daughter believe if only for a second that some secretly gay prince is going to sweep her off her feet while she does nothing for herself and waits on his ass to save her. I just don't know how to do that. So, the first thing I did (at the suggestion of a Facebook friend) was to buy her an old pair of $3 Chucks. I'd worried about the shoes first and wanted to find a more 2011 way of representing them. I think I succeeded. They're sparkly and will better equip that unassuming 2011 princess on the go! Stylish and silver! Just last night my girlfriend told me that silver goes with everything. I just smiled and nodded because I don't see it, but it works here. River loves them!

Then I was forced to move onto the dress. I looked around for a bit and ended up with two different dresses. One pink and one blue. She seems to like them both but her grandmother bought her a blue princess crown so today she wore the blue dress to the library for a Halloween Storytime.

She had fun and did some trick or treating at the library. She got some gum, a sucker and an Almond Joy. Sucker it is! I had to come home and sneak some of our Halloween candy into her pumpkin. I'm not giving my two year old gum she'll swallow or an Almond Joy she'll choke on! Also, she insisted on bringing that FAO Schwarz dog with her! I don't even have fights over stuff like that anymore. It isn't worth it. Just bring the damn thing! Yesterday she wore a chef's hat and matching apron to Giant. Whatever dude. Go on with your bad self.

Of course during Storytime River did anything but listen. I loved when a lady walked in with a bald baby and she yelled "Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan, Baby Nathan" over and over again. The guy had to stop reading. Then she sees a kid with a Thomas hat on and sings at the top of her lungs "Thomas and his friends!" Lets see, she almost clocked a dinosaur in the noggin with her pumpkin and she accosted Strawberry Shortcake...with love.

Their eyes met from across the room......

She rushed across the room to get to her and look at the awe in her eyes. I think she really thought it was Strawberry Shortcake! I had no intention of bursting that bubble.

Then she tried to give up her dog, that she refused to leave the house without. WTF?

I think she scared Strawberry a little when on the way out she made a b-line towards her and yelled "Bye Strawberry Shortcake!"

I Fell in Love With Duran Duran All Over Again Tonight!

2011-10-17T00:11:00.023-04:00

I've been up since 5 AM. My husband and I joined some friends for a weekend in Virgina. We stayed at a rented house and went to different vineyards and did wine tastings. I mean I didn't because I'm allergic to sulfites but I was there for the camaraderie. I couldn't sleep so I'd been up since 5 which is just what you want for a 3.5 hour ride home and then a concert in D.C.

I've been keeping Duran Duran in business for the better part of 30 years. I've seen them 37 times and when I was in Jr high, I used to save my lunch money to buy their albums, books and magazines, most of which I still have. For years and years and years I bought every album, single, book, scrapbook video compilation and import I could get my hands on. I've got DD sweatbands for God's sakes! I have tour books and signed albums and a photo of Simon's scalp because I got so flustered when he was near. I've bought and made more Duran Duran shirts than I can even remember yet I still have them all. Needless to say, I don't buy tour books and shirts anymore because I just don't have the space for them. There was a day, back before I had my babies that I'd go see them 8 or 9 times on a leg of a tour but those days are gone now. I don't regret them, I loved them but it just is no longer feasible, financially and logistically. Not to mention that finding someone to go to a concert on a Sunday evening is not easy. No one loves them like I do. I'm sure that's not true but no one I know loves them like I do, that's for damn sure! I'm not sure I can remember a time when I didn't love them.

The only thing I can hold against them was the hair. Not theirs, mine. I hold them completely responsible for some of the more frightening, but fun hairstyle choices I made in the early years. I mostly blame John.

I bought our tickets in the pre-sale. I always do. All I need to do to make that happen is come up with the pre-sale code. This time it took me two tries. "Duran"...no. "Taylor" ....check! Ticketmaster should really be more imaginative.

I haven't seen Duran Duran in 3 years. That may not seem like a long time but for me it is. I was pregnant with River when I saw them last and she'll be 3 in a few months. I remember that I wore a shirt that said "Duranie" with a little arrow pointing to my belly. Such a nerd but I loved it! My seats were right up by the stage, right in front of the left side speakers. It was brutal. The beat was so strong that every time John plucked a cord, I had to switch feet just to get one off the ground. The sound reverberated through my body and made me dizzy. Not something you welcome when you're pregnant, but I loved it just the same.

Constitution Hall isn't a big place. It's actually the perfect size for Duran Duran. It's quaint without being too small. I've seen them at Madison Square Garden and while I had good seats, this was nice as well. At this concert I did something I'd never done before, I went in or tried to go in as a Duran Duran virgin. This isn't very easy if you've been singing them to yourself since before you got your period but I made an attempt anyway. I bought their latest CD the day it was released online and I've listened to it but I haven't submersed myself into it like I have all of their other CDs. There are many reasons for this. First, I seriously overdid it for a few years and listened to nothing else. I love them but I love strawberries too and if I ate them everyday for 30 years I would probably need a break. Second, I just don't have time for that kind of submersion. It was easy when it was just me to get up and drive to Atlantic City, Fairfax or Philly to see them and drive right home after, only to get up a couple of hours later to go to work. I just can't do that anymore. My bosses are a lot tougher now and sleeping on the job is not permitted unless I want to wake up with gum in my hair or drawings on my walls. Lastly, my musical tastes have wondered. Not away from Duran but I've opened myself up to new things. While still British (almost always British) I've fallen in love with the likes of Laura Marling, Johnny Flynn and Mumford & Sons. I've ventured out which I'm not really known for.

So I went to this concert not knowing the words to every song and it was interesting. I mean I still knew a lot of them and obviously the old songs I know like my social security number. It was the first time I didn't know the set list. I made a point to stay away from photos so I wouldn't know what they'd be wearing. It was just a different experience and I liked it. I also enjoyed the concert without taking photos or video. There have been shows where I've taken over 1,000 photos and I just didn't want to do that. I danced and sang my ass off! My ears are still ringing and my throat hurts. As it should be.

They had cameras set up next to everyone's mic and I really liked that. It gave a B&W view of them all night long. I thought it was cool. We don't get enough of Nick or Roger because they're somewhat hidden behind their instruments. Roger is just so friggen cute. I need to see more of his sweet face.

Over the years I have learned that there are a few constants with Duran Duran. First, they are never on time. They're on Duran Duran time, which means late. I can't remember one time when they hit the stage when they were supposed to but I can remember many times when I was in the audience with my friends and laughed about "Duran Duran time." I'm not complaining about when they come on stage because it doesn't matter to me, as long as they come. Also, it is a given that at least once or twice per show, Simon will forget the words. I think he did it 4 times last night. It's weird to be singing along to a song you've known fir 20+ years and the singer flubs the words. Once again, not complaining, just an observation. I've seen him trip on stage a lot too but he didn't do that last night or if he did, I missed it. If memory serves, he almost fell off the stage in Fairfax. Ahhhh, I love that man!

Another thing that I think Duran Duran always have going on is terrible opening bands. I'm sure they'd disagree but there really have been some awful ones. Juliet I liked and Neon Trees were awesome! I think they may be their best opening act ever! I can't think of the list of horrid ones but during the Liberty days they weren't getting great support but I was there regardless. I can't remember the name of the band that gave away pink cassette tapes but they were ungodly. I remember the opening act for Power Station though. The Swimming Pool Qs. Oh God, they were like watching a train wreck at close range. Just horrific! They were so bad that I got hit in the head with something someone threw at them, it may have been a shoe. I'd never seen so much shit fly past my head at a concert, ever.

That's me in the middle rockin' my inner chipmunk.

We got a little lost last night getting into DC with a wrong turn or two so we weren't there very early. We only had to sit for a bit before Neon Trees came on but as we sat there I heard the people behind me talking. I heard the guy say to his friends, "Did you see anyone dressed up like the 80s? I'm surprised we didn't see anyone." WTF? Why would you go to a Duran Duran concert expecting to see people dressed like they're from the 80s? Duran has been around for 30 years! Put down the fucking scrunchies and parachute pants! I think this guy pulled into DC looking for a clown car and was pissed that a bunch of big footed assholes didn't get out. I know most people haven't seen Duran Duran before and certainly not 37 times but show some respect! I don't go to see them to feel 17 again, I don't need Duran Duran for that but they're a really, really good live band. I think their tour shirts are too expensive but that's a whole other issue. I've always though that.

Constitution Hall Set List: BEFORE THE RAIN/PLANET EARTH/A VIEW TO A KILL/ALL YOU NEED IS NOW/BLAME THE MACHINES/COME UNDONE/SAFE/REFLEX/LEOPARD/GIRL PANIC/TIGER TIGER/CARELESS MEMORIES/LEAVE A LIGHT ON/ORDINARY WORLD/NOTORIOUS/HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF/SUNRISE [encore] WILD BOYS/RIO

They didn't play every song I would have liked to hear but that's to be expected. I've heard enough of them over the years to be pleased with what I did hear. It was the first time I'd ever seen them that they didn't play Save a Prayer. I kinda knew when Simon picked up the guitar for Leave a Light On that it wasn't going to happen. I've heard SAP so many times that I'm OK with that. I like hearing the new stuff and that really is a beautiful song.

It really was a great show. Simon will be 53 years old next week and you'd never know it. I'd say he looks like a rockstar but he is a rockstar so.... They look fucking awesome! John Taylor is still one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen in life and I know for a fact that the skin of his arm feels like a baby's ass because I've touched him. I've touched all of them, even Andy who has left twice like a fart in the wind. Not that I'm bitter.

I miss Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Rhodes & Lebon but I've been through every incarnation of Duran Duran for 30 years and I've loved every minute of it!

This is a photo of me showing I had love for Andy back in the day. He isn't wearing glasses in the photo on the button on my shirt so this must have been before his light sensitivity kicked in.

I wish I could tell you that the hideous turquoise shirt I was wearing was the worst thing about that outfit but move that table and you'll see a pair of matching moon boots. Ha! I just laughed out loud!

They opened with Before the Rain and closed with Rio and it was magical. They are such a good live band and perhaps I'd forgotten that. It's only been 3 years since I've seen them but I have a 2 and 4 year old so that's in toddler years which is really like 150 years if you think about it. I'd love to take my kids someday but I don't know how to explain "Play the fucking bass John" to a 4 year old. He's just not ready for that kind of grit. Perhaps if I could get them to add a Thomas the Tank engine to the stage set that it would be more plausible but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

Simon's voice sounded amazing and I love Anna! She sounds perfect with them and has for years. As the band was standing at the front of the stage saying goodbye, John turned to his right and walked back up to his microphone. He commented "We'll keep coming back if you will" and walked off stage as Simon blew one last kiss to the audience. Ummm, yeah. I'm there.

I'm also passing on the gene.

I'm waiting for the cold to come because I think he's finally big enough to wear my Duran Duran Astronaut scarf!

I Saw Laura Marling Last Night.....Thanks to Johnny Flynn!

2011-09-28T21:19:00.019-04:00

I love beautiful voices. It really shouldn't be so much to ask for when you buy a CD. A beautiful voice with something to say, but how often do you get that, really?

Chris and I went into DC last night to see Laura Marling at the Sixth and I Synagogue. We had to stand out in the rain for a half hour after we grabbed something to seat at a kick ass Irish place across the street called Fado. I don't even remember what we ate but it was excellent!

This chick with the boots was in line in front of us. We all got wet.

I took my good camera and as it's a synagogue, they searched our bags on the way in and the security guard told me "No pictures!" I walked inside thinking to myself. "Ummm, yeah, OK." Turns out everyone and their mother had a camera of some sort so I needn't have worried.

The inside was pretty cool and the ceiling was amazing! I could have done without the coral paint on the walls, but that's just me. I don't do coral. The wetness of my clothes mixed well with the coolness I felt under this beautiful dome.

That's sarcasm in case you missed it.

They had inscriptions on the back walls, "Remember Ye the Law of Moses" and "Faith in God is Happiness." It was just a different kind of concert experience.

The sound was excellent! I noticed they had microphones set up all over and I wondered if perhaps the acoustics were really good in there, more so than usual. They seemed to be. It would be cool if they recorded it for something. Although I can tell you that it was dark as hell. Sometimes I felt like we were outside. I had a hard time with my camera. I couldn't even see to change the settings so I just stopped trying.

I've never even been in a synagogue and was pretty sure I would never have any reason to do so. Hell, I purposely haven't been to "our church" since River was baptised and I have zero plans to return but that's a whole different post. I still don't understand why a synagogue would want to have concerts on what is basically their alter. I mean maybe that's what they call it, I have no idea. I'm just saying that I can't imagine the church I was married in having a girl standing on the alter questioning the inscribed "Sanctus, Santus, Sanctus" on the alter between songs and sips of the beer she keeps at her feet. It's just weird to walk into someones house of God and see a cash bar. That's all I'm sayin'.

But, all that aside, the concert was pretty fucking awesome! I wasn't a fan of the opening act but the crowd seemed to like her. Not really my thing. I really like what's coming out of London right now, which kind of shocks me a bit. Being from Nashville, I have kind of a love/hate relationship with the banjo. When I think "banjo," I hear "A pickin' and a grinnin'!" I also hear someone squealing like a pig in the back of my mind. Needless to say, this is just a different use of the banjo then I grew up with. Mumford & Sons, Johnny Flynn, Laura Marling, they're all working magic with a banjo. Did not see that coming. I mean while they're all definitely folksy, they're a different kind of folksy. They don't conjure up Peter Paul & Mary for me, but the opening act did. I think that was my ish'. Not that I don't like Peter Paul & Mary, I do, I dig rock n' roll music.

That was a Peter Paul & Mary reference. Google it.

She started out with my favorite song and I'll post the official video for that below because it's a really, really good song. However, I did take this quick video of "Alas I Can Not Swim"

Her voice is amazing and she doesn't even seem to have to try that hard. I just think she's hella talented. I just kept repeating to myself, "How is this girl only 21?" Cute as a button but I always got the vibe from her that she does what she does without explanation. That's always refreshing. She told lots of great stories, my favorite being the one about the homeless women in DC last night that she came across at 2 AM while out alone looking for bottled water. Walking in DC at 2 AM. Yeah, she's from out of town. She asked the homeless woman what she was doing out so late. Umm, she's homeless. The lady told her "Saving white people." Good story.

The last time I'd seen her, her hair was short so I was a little surprised by all that hair. One thing I did notice about her was that she had the tightest jeans on that I'd ever seen. They were so tight that until she lifted her arms between songs and her shirt came up, I thought they were leggings. I'm not complaining. I mean she looked really good. Those jeans were on her like paint but she worked it out. What? I can't say she looked good in her jeans? I'm straight, not blind! Jeez.....

This is the set list from last night:

Rambling Man
Alpha Shallows
Alas I Cannot Swim
Ghosts
I Was Just A Card
The Muse
Hope in the Air
Don't Ask Me Why/Salinas
Goodbye England (Covered in Snow) *solo*
New Untitled Song *solo*
Night After Night *solo*
Neil Young cover *solo*
Sophia
I Speak Because I Can
All My Rage

I was kind of bummed she didn't do The Water, although I wasn't shocked. While she sang on it, it is a Johnny Flynn song so I didn't really expect her to but I would have loved it. It would have been awesome to hear her do it alone.

There was a write up in the Post

I must say, I find complete solace that I've discovered much beautiful music via Johnny Flynn. Everyone I've discovered lately has played with him at one time or another. Some have even recorded songs with him. All roads lead to Johnny Flynn........I love it!

On a total sidenote, a big thanks to my husband for taking one for the team. He'd been up since 5 AM and I know he would have rather been sleeping.

Rambling Man:

A Bun for my Ballerina

2011-09-12T19:53:00.005-04:00

River's first day of ballet is tomorrow. I'm excited because I really think she is going to love it. I know she loves the clothes! Anytime she's in a tutu (which between you and me is often) she runs around the house yelling "Look at me! Look at me!" I think she might actually think she's a princess. I guess that's fine since she's only 2. If she does it at 22, my reaction will be different.

I signed River up for ballet because I was looking for something for her to do while Owen was at school. I'm still looking for more for her to do but for now this is it. It's a Mommy & Me class. It's actually the same class I took with Owen just after River was born. I would take him to class and he'd run around with his friends and not do anything he was asked while hanging from the bars he was specifically asked not to hang from while River sat in her bucket and coo'd. I can't wait to see how she acts in class, if she does what she's told. I mean she's only 2 so she has some wiggle room but I hope she listens because the class can be fun if you participate.

She's got the leotards (I even got her a purple one ~ I hate purple) and the tutus. She's got the tights and the ballet slippers. My only concern for River taking ballet is the friggen bun. I've been practicing the ballerina bun and I have to say, it isn't easy. I've never been a braider and River has my thin, fine hair so doing anything fancy with it is almost a joke. That being said, a bun doesn't really look all that difficult. Trust me, it isn't as easy as it should be.

That being said, is anyone not busy at 9:00 tomorrow morning because clearly I'm screwed. This looks more like an atom splitting than a ballerina bun. I'm so ashamed! Maybe I need to wrap something cool around the "bun" to hide it's poor quality.

Oh well, thank God she's beautiful! Maybe no one will notice?

Unparalleled Guttural Rage

2011-09-12T14:17:00.013-04:00

If there's fault to be found in something, I'll find it but days like today that start out crappy and continued on a downward spiral into shitsville make me so angry that I want to gut something. How much shit can happen in one day?

I was doing laundry this weekend and as I turned to leave the laundry room, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I quickly realize it was water dripping from our furnace. With a heavy sigh and the sound of money flying out of the windows in my ear, I turned to my husband and shared the news. He came into the laundry room and opened the cover on the furnace which he found was filled with an inch or two of water. Great. So while it technically isn't broken, it seemed smart to turn it off, suck the water out and call someone to fix it as opposed to pressing our luck and making it worse. So, no air conditioning. Luckily it's only oppressive at night.

My husband and I met some friends out on Saturday night to hear a band and just hang out. We don't get to see them much these days. We got a baby sitter for the kids (only their second and it was the same girl both times) and came home sometime after midnight. I walked in the front door (not sure why because we always use the back door) and I put my purse and keys on the kitchen counter, as opposed to hanging them on the hook like I would have done had I come in the back door. We didn't leave the house on Sunday so I had no use for my keys. This morning when I went to drive my son to school, no keys. My assumption on what happened to them is that they were pushed into the trash can and the trash had been taken out the night before and picked up only an hour before I discovered they were missing. Nice. I blame River.

My husband came home from work and gave me his keys so I could get Owen to school late (ghetto) and then River and I drove by Honda to see how much it would cost to replace the two sets of keys and clickers for both Hondas. I almost shit my pants when the guy told me the hundreds of dollars it costs to replace keys. What a total fucking scam but we have to have them. I'm in the process of scouring the house to make sure neither of my little angels did something else with them but I am 99% sure that they're gone. Don't even get me started on the key chain that is gone as well. I got this thing at EXPERIENCE Twilight in St. Helens Oregon when I was on my Twilight Trip. I'm sick that it's gone and will look into replacing it. It's not like I can just pop into the local market and buy this. I got in on the other side of the country. So annoying.

Once my husband got home to give me his keys, I rushed to get Owen to school only to realize my gas light was on. I screamed obscenities, I can admit it. Hopefully the music was loud enough to drown it out, but I doubt it. I got to the Exxon, which for some reason at 9:30 in the morning was packed. I would have had to wait for a pump had I not snagged one from a slow mover and then I filled the van with a nozzle that was broken and I had to hold it the whole time. I did my best to take a deep breath and count to 10 while I let the liquid gold fill my car. I'm really annoyed by a pump that I have to hold the whole time I fill my car up with $60 worth of gas. It isn't necessary. Just fix the damn thing! However it also leaks because as I let the handle go and then pulled it out, it drooled gas all over my arm and leg, leaving me smelling like I took a bath in that shit. I think this is the moment I slipped over the edge into my "I'm going to kill someone" phase of the day which is not good because I still had to go to Walmart.

Smelling like a gas can, I finally got my kid to school and had to apologize because I smelled so bad that it was giving myself a headache. The wipes did nothing for my stench. One funny thing though, when I dropped Owen off, his teacher came out and told me that next week his class is working with scissors and wanted to know if I could send him with some hairbands so they could minimize the risk of him cutting his hair off. Don't you know as soon as I got home, I threw a bunch of those things in a baggy and slipped it into his backpack. If Owen cut off his hair I'd be pissed! Although it was nice of her to mention this to me. I guess he does have the longest hair in his class.

At Walmart I tried to keep to myself. We needed a few things but I knew with my demeanour and out and out evilness today that no good would come of me conversing with a Walmart shopper and/or employee. I actually skipped a few aisles because I saw potential troubles. I skipped the tissue aisle because I saw a chick with giganto hair, velveteen pants and a zebra top. Even if she hadn't been pushing 400 pounds I would have tried to avoid that hot mess.

After I got Owen from school we rushed home because the Orkin man was coming to start our treatment for these fucking ants. I am over them! I had a dream last night that they were swarming in my mouth. It woke me up in the night that thanks to no air conditioning was hot as hell and I was furious.

One thing I forgot to mention is that this morning while I was rushing the kids out the door, I noticed a trail of ants coming in from the back door, up the wall, across the windows and to the table between the couches. I lifted up Owen's bike helmet and tons of them were under there, on the table. I freaked my shit and killed them all while I made the kids go outside. I didn't want them to see and/or smell the carnage. I gassed them. I gassed them all. Then I wiped the area clean of the evidence. This is why I rushed home with the kids after getting Owen. I wanted to pull the couches out and clean and vacuum behind them, making sure to clean the window sills and vacuum behind the couch and love seat. I did this and then I flipped the couch on it's side and saw a sight that made me actually cry. TONS of ants in one spot under our couch. How I didn't vomit as I committed atrocities on those fuckers is beyond me but I can honestly say that not a one of them got away. I sprayed the perimeter and worked my way in. The clean up was a bitch but I killed them all. My goal was to kill them and the create a mass grave in the trashcan because I didn't want to use the vacuum. I could just see them sneaking out in the night and crawling into my mouth.

Needless to say, it took every fiber of my being not to shove these couches out the back door and over the deck. I actually started to do it but thought Chris might get mad and we have no way of getting them to the dump without help. I'm going shopping tomorrow for a new couch. I can only hope I can get it delivered soon. Thankfully we'd been talking about getting a new one so we'd looked around a little bit. We had planned to wait until next year because we've been hemorrhaging money lately but it is what it is, as my husband would say. Ants are all over our house but mostly in the kitchen. I've had an ant or two crawl across me when I sit on the couch at night but I had no idea that nonsense was happening just under my ass. I don't even know why they were there. It's not like they were crawling on something. I mean the kids often eat breakfast on the couch but it's toast and grapes not sausage and gravy so I'm still at a loss and to be honest, I couldn't give two shits. I just want them gone. I was still crying when the Orkin man showed up and talked me down. He told me they get worse when there is a lot of moisture and he's been on a lot of calls like this in the past few weeks, since the first big storms. He assured me that while this seemed horrible to me, it really does get much worse. He just felt sorry for me. I met him at the door yelling "I don't care what you do, just do it! I feel like I live in a a fucking trailer!"

Anyhoo, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. River has her first ballet class and then we're looking for a new couch immediately after. I still haven't replaced my keys but I'm saving that for a day when I'm in a better mood. Charging me hundreds of dollars to drive my own car makes me feel homicidal. I need to work up to that. Baby steps......

Gettin' Granny

2011-09-07T16:45:00.017-04:00

Never am I happier than when I get to take my truth and shove it up someones ass. It adds a smile to my face and a spring in my step when I get to scream "I TOLD YOU SO!" to the tune of $650.

My beautiful children and I were leaving the Starbucks parking lot (minding our own business) when the novice driver in front of me (without looking) backed up into me. Now, you wouldn't think much would come from that because how hard could she possibly hit me when only backing up? The answer is the cost of a cracked bumper.

Here's why I giggle. The novice was a sweet 16 year old girl who had yet to be tainted by her grizzly granny and perhaps her parents in the art of "say nothing and accept no responsibility" because after backing up into me she immediately jumped from her car, well technically that isn't true. I had time to scream "MOTHER FUCKER!" right in front of my babies before she got to the car but being the sweet girl she was she jumped from her car where my window was still rolled down because I'd just accepted my Frappachino of love from the drive through window and she said "Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Are you OK?" She really was like an angel as I look back but in that moment I was concerned for my kids and furious that this had happened again not two damn years from the last time a novice was set free. Hell, at least this one had a permit. Lucky for that fucker who backed into me while I was 4 months pregnant with River ON MY BIRTHDAY that I didn't blog back then because I would have torn him a new asshole along with his parents that sent him out without a driver's license to take his brother to school. He was apologetic as well until he got home and his dirty asshole parents tried to lie. In the end, they were fucking with the wrong bitch and I made sure they paid for every cent including our deductible.

That accident is why I waited for the police to come. I don't understand that switching numbers bullshit. Yeah, if you're at fault you have nothing to loose by switching numbers and bolting which is what the Grandmother who sat in the passenger seat told me we should do. She kept mentioning it over and over and as her Granddaughter had started crying the minute I asked her "Did you not think to look back?" My voice may have been a little elevated but you just slammed your car into mine which is carrying my angels so I'm entitled. Also, it's a fair question.

I told them to pull across the street out of the death trap that is the Starbucks parking lot. Someone had to take charge. The first thing that Grandmother did was get out of her car (finally) and walk to the front of my van announcing "There's no damage to your car!" Great, apparently she was a fucking mechanic back in 1898!

I'm well versed in this game and Granny wasn't winning this one. I had called the police before I'd even gotten out of my car. In the most gentle way possible I told the driver this. As far as I was concerned, Granny was an extra and I was treating her as such. I hadn't got the words out of my mouth when Granny said, "Do we really need the police?" I ignored her as her Granddaughter busted out in hysterics and I (not her Grandmother) tried to comfort her. I assured her that I wasn't mad, that my kids were OK (which was clearly my main concern) and that if she had to ram someone, I was the one she wanted to do it to. Not cool for me but for her, I wasn't going to sue her. I didn't grab my neck and claim injury. I was going to get an estimate for my car and be done with it. While Mrs. Auto Mechanic 1892 was assured there was no damage, I knew better. The last guy that hit me in the same way caused unseen damage under my licence plate to the tune of $500+ so I knew there was damage because she hit us much harder. Lucky the kids were in car seats and I had time to brace myself and honk, not that honking did me any good.

Granny had made mention over and over again about there being no damage to my car and other passive aggressive remarks about just switching info. Now had she been the driver and her sweet 16 year old granddaughter not been there I would have attempted to be less accommodating of her. Because she's crusty I would have given her more time than say a 30 year old but at some point I would have told her to shut her fucking mouth and go fuck herself. What was going through her mind when she was purposely annoying the person they just hit? I didn't hit you! Shut that hole in your face before I sweep your fucking legs! At some point I'd had enough of her mouth and told her that they hit me so it's my call. When someone slammed into them, they could do what they want but on this day, it was my decision. It didn't come out that nice but it wasn't as bad as it could have been or as bad as I would have preferred. I'm a firm believer that when you act like an asshole, you deserve to be treated like one. The sweet 16 year old saved that crusty bitch from the better side of me.

Some inmate had escaped in Annapolis earlier in the day so it took the police officer forever to get there. When he rolled in, I thought the driver was going to vomit. The cop couldn't have been nicer and I warned him after I explained what happened that she was very fragile. She practically screamed "Am I going to lose my licence?" I felt so bad for her.

Anyhoo, I took photos, he took our info and gave me the report number. Even thought my licence plate was bent, I knew there was damage behind it and I was right. My main priority was making sure the car was safe for travel with my babies. I'm not going to believe a passenger in a car that hit me that there is no damage. Hell, they all say that! Turns out she cracked my bumper so there was over $650 worth of damage. I'd like to take that estimate, turn it sideways and shove it up Granny's asshole.

As soon as I got home in the nightmare of a rental car and got the call about the estimate, I got on the phone with our insurance company to set the repayment of the deductible in motion. I as a rule, don't like to sit back and assume everyone is going their job. When I have done that it has bitten me in the ass so I don't allow that anymore. I'm a stay on top of shit kinda gal and it's served me well.

The rental car they gave me was an Impala. I'm not a fan. First off, their latch system SUCKS! I've loaded and unloaded my car seats in and out of several cars and have never had such issues. NOT USER FRIENDLY! Also, the side mirrors are so small that it's comical. I guess it's OK if you're visiting from Munchkin Land but a normal size non Singer Midget would have troubles. Not to mention I had to leave my stroller in the back of the van because I couldn't fit it into the shitty trunk.

There was also this much gas in the tank when they gave it to me. Have you ever heard of such? A quarter tank of gas in a rental car? T-A-C-K-Y!

I was able to find the humor when they marked up the imperfections on my van like a fat girl at a pledge party.

So, this is what $650 worth of damage looks like:

These are my little angels getting release in the back seat, where they sat for over an hour waiting for the police to come. That's Crusty McCrustington in the back. The kids are fighting over my frappachino. I would normally never give that to my kids because of the caffeine and the fact that IT IS MINE! One of the many things to give up for my children. This one hurt.

Good times. I should have my car back on Friday. My fucking stroller better still be there!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-31T20:30:00.011-04:00

Do you have any idea how hard it is to stare directly into the sun?

Today is the last day of my 31 Days of Self Portraits, or "It's All About me ~ Part Deux." I can not tell you how happy I am to see it come to an end. Just like last year, I'm glad I did it but giving myself that much thought this month was a tall order. Hideous storms, earthquakes and a friggen hurricane filled my month more so than I would have liked. As it is, my son still hasn't returned to school because the hurricane knocked the power out and his school is one of 15 or so that are still without power. No complaints though. We'll just find something fun to do. It's not like we live in Haiti where that storm would have caused a school to collapse. I just wonder what this will mean at the end of the year? Do they add those days on? I guess we'll find out.

Because Owen was out of school I told him we'd do something fun today. He immediately said "Train museum?" I have no idea how this kid can still love the train museum as much as we've been this summer. I can't even express how over that place I am. I mean it's great but 15 times in one summer? Nothing is that great. But every time we go, he acts like it's the first time. He runs in and cranks that stupid penny squishing machine like it is his life's vocation. I don't get it but then again, why would I? I'm not 4.

Luckily, today we had some friends come with us. That made it more bearable for me.

I tried to fill their day with fun and we even played in the yard when we got back. That's one of their favorite things to do these days. Of course I tried to keep everything as tame as possible because today was the last days sans health insurance. I had visions of River falling off of the horse on the round a bout and cracking all of her teeth out. I actually found myself questioning if that was the kind of injury that could wait until midnight. No health insurance for 30 days with two kids is daunting. It must suck to have a whole family who can't afford it. I can't even imagine.

We took photos in the backyard and Owen took a few of me. I like that he enjoys playing with my cameras. Well, let me rephrase that. I like that my son is interested in taking photos. Saying that I like him playing with my cameras is a stretch.

Here are a few others we took today:

This is my son standing over our monster mushroom:

Seriously, does this thing not look like it could guide plans home?

In my photos, I spend a lot of time looking into the sun. I think the moment a pupil dilates, but you can still keep your eyes open to catch the sun is a beautiful thing. I try to trick my kids into doing it and when it works, it's stunning. I did some of it today on myself and I liked the results. Although when I took these photos the sun was really bright and it felt like it was burning my eyes. It bothered me so that I actually got a photo of myself with my hand over my eyes. I like to position my face, hold my hand over my eyes to make sure it's unprepared for the sun and then move my hand as I click so I get it at the second my pupils dilate. The sun was rough today so I missed my own cue. That's why I have my hands over my eyes. My trick works though. You should try it if you ever feel like tempting fate with the whole "burn off your retinas" thing.

The answer to the question, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to stare directly into the sun?" is yes, it's difficult but not as difficult as it is to go 30 days without health insurance for my family, live through terrible storms, the earth moving under our feet and a hurricane that while it didn't seem as bad as I would have thought, has kept my kid out of school all week. You gotta keep it in perspective.

This is me today, hoping I still have vision tomorrow. Good times. Yay me!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-30T20:51:00.008-04:00

In an endless effort to both gut my house of useless shit and organize the shit I can't part with, I bought an organizations thingie today from Target. I went to Ikea first because I have some friends who have a shelf unit I like but it wouldn't fit in the place I need it to go in. I had seen something similar at Target so I took the kids and we scoped it out. It fits perfectly. Now I just have to go spend my life savings on baskets/storage containers for it. On the way out of the worst Walmart on the planet, checking for containers, I let the kids ride this odd jet ski ride.

We dropped some things off at a friends house and then came home to pour bleach over our bodies after the trip to the armpit of all Walmarts. Our friend has a light rail near her so there are train tracks we have to cross over to get to her house. Owen loves this but we've never seen a train there, until today. Usually we cross over the tracks and that's enough for him, always looking for a train. We actually saw one and then looped back around, waited on the side of the road and saw another, which I recorded with my Droid.

At home we played in the yard for a while. My husband turned their playhouse on it's side for the hurricane and it got water inside so I couldn't not lift it for them. I tried and Owen refused to listen when I told him to stay put of the house that's filled with nasty rain water. As you can see, he didn't listen.

The I let the kids run around the yard in their underpants and PJs. What the hell?!

Anyhoo, this is me today hanging out in the yard with my babies, diggin' my trees.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-29T20:19:00.011-04:00

Have you ever seen the underside of a mushroom?

I don't mean the kind you add to your salads or stir fry, but the big ass mushrooms that grow outside? Today I went outside for the first time since the hurricane passed and came across the biggest wild mushroom I'd ever seen. This is my 4 year old son standing just behind it. He's a really big 4 year old and this thing still looks HUGE next to him.

Where the mushroom grew is where the runoff went during the hurricane so it was really wet there and is still damp. While I've seen small mushrooms there before, I've never seen anything near this size so I think the storm has something to do with it.

Another reason I'm so glad I have the Droid X. As much as I love my Nikons, I could never get this photo under a mushroom with those cameras. I like being able to take photos that matter with my phone. So glad I didn't cave and get the iPhone. 8 MP baby!

The underside of a mushroom is pretty cool, if you've ever bothered to look. Very delicate and kind of beautiful which I didn't expect. Something sexual about it as well. I totally blame Georgia O' Keeffe for that.

I looked around for Alice but she wasn't there. Lots of ants though.

Look at the size of that thing next to my D90! HUGE!

While I was "shooting the 'shroom" and taking my daily photo of myself, Owen joined me for a few minutes with his Thomas the Tank Engine and gave up the lovin. Such a good kid!

We didn't do much today except run by the gym to get a refund on the rescheduled movie night. Who wants to hang out in the pool with your kids at 7:00 at night at the end of September? No thanks. Just cancel the damn thing. Not to mention that's my anniversary and the thought of spending my anniversary hanging out in that pee bucket doesn't sound the least bit appealing.

We also swung by the Verizon store to have them look at my phone. It shut off during the storm and I couldn't get it to come back on. It just needed to be reset. Quick fix.

After that, we set off for the park. One was closed so we went to the next, also closed. Bummer. We finally found one that was open and of course every single person in the world was there, yes, the annoying ones too. Does it make sense to let your THREE kinds ride their scooters ON the playground equipment? Really? Ugggggg, some people got no reason.

Anyhoo, we did those things and then came back to the house for lunch. After River ate her weight in peanut butter sandwiches and crackers I put her down for her nap. When I woke her up, two hours later, this is what I found:

She strips her dolls naked, all of them and takes their clothes, pacifier attached and chews on them. I totally clipped my daughter's nails after I looked at this photo as well. She looks like she's been planting tomatoes!

On a total side note, this i s my daughter's favorite doll. I made her throw these clothes on it when we went to get Owen from school because I don't like her carrying a naked doll around, anatomically correct or not. Usually it's just a bald baby in his it's birthday suit. I think she thinks this one is a boy because she calls him Nathan. This is only funny if you're Nathan's mother.

So, here I am today, hanging our post-hurricane in my swamp of a backyard hoping it's drier tomorrow.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-28T19:46:00.006-04:00

I'm tired. I thought the worst part of a hurricane was the wind and rain. I thought that until we went through one and my husband and I decided that it was best to get the kids together and all of us sleep together in the basement. While I understand the likelihood of a tree falling on my house is low, I don't give a shit. I refuse to let my child sleep under a large branch coming from a large tree that has bothered me for weeks. That would just be poor parenting. So, we piled the kids onto a shitty air mattress in the basement before the worst part of the hurricane had even gotten here and attempted to sleep. It was not to be.

Let me say that I love my children more than anything in the world and I feel privileged to be able to be a stay at home mom and spend so much time with them. That being said, last night was a fucking nightmare. I WILL NEVER sleep in the same room with my children again unless someone is covered in their own vomit.

We let the kids fall asleep in their own rooms and then moved them later while they slept thinking that was a better way to do it. Owen was out when Chris carried him down and fell back to sleep almost immediately. We should have known that trouble was afoot when we went to get River as the wind was whipping around the corner of the house. We pulled the cover back from her and she was wide awake and giggling. Chris carried her downstairs, we took this photo and then she ran around screaming and yelling for the next 4 or 5 hours.

Every time the wind blew, River sat bolt upright and said, "Momma, what was that?" I must have told her 100 times, "It's OK River, it's just the wind." Truth be told, inside I was screaming "What do you think it is? Were in the middle of a fucking hurricane!"

I let it go, because she's two, but she raked my nerves for 2 solid hours before I ran away screaming, got a drink and my laptop. I needed out of that basement so bad that I chose to sit bu the huge windows in the sunroom just to get away from my kids because at this point River had woken Owen up and they were insufferable. To top it off, Chris was snoring. I swear, that fucker can sleep in the middle of a car bomb, or at least a hurricane. It's so annoying.

Probably the best part of the night was when River sat up and said, "Momma, are you awake?" and then proceeded to jab me with her little angel fingers in my fucking eye socket! That felt good. I think I screamed at her so loud that Chris actually stirred from his slumber. Oh yeah, at one point I heard her say "Momma, what's this?" right before she cracked my skull with Cranky the Crane. WTF? It's a big heavy wooden crane from Owen's train table. What would posses her?

Don't even get me started on that shitty fucking air mattress! After 30 minutes laying on it, I was basically sleeping in a V. My ass was on the ground while my legs and back were in the air. Fucking ridiculous! Add 2 kids running around yelling at it being 2 AM to that and that's a recipe for disaster.

Anyhoo, this is me with zero sleep and just waiting for Monday to come. We survived the hurricane with power and Internet intact. I lost a tomato plant. Fuck it.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-27T19:58:00.003-04:00

I am so fucking tired of shitty weather. It would be nice to do something this weekend with the kids. Something that doesn't involve organizing in pairs and/or swimming to check my mail.

We spent the better part of the morning loading the remnants of that tree that fell across our fence into a friends truck and a borrowed trailer so they could take it to the dump. The last thing we needed as a hurricane approached was that shit flying through the neighbors windows. We also loaded as much of our deck furniture into the shed and then bungee corded the rest of it in place. I've never seen our deck so empty. I kinda wish it could stay like that. I'm sure I'd feel that way until I wanted to sit down or pick some herbs, but you know, it's a neat thought.

The worst of the storm hasn't gotten here yet but the electricity has been flickering, the Direct TV is useless and my Internet is spotty. I'm hoping by the time it gets here that it will be downgraded to a tropical storm and be nothing more than bothersome. It would be great to sleep well tonight, wake up in the morning and the biggest annoyance be having to unload all of that shit back out of the shed.

As it is now, we moved my daughter's toddler bed away from the window (which she was none to happy about), my son is blissfully unaware and will be fine as long as there is an endless supply of milk and Super Why? in the AM. We are playing it by ear. It it gets bad in the night we have discussed getting the kids and sleeping together in the basement. There is a tree outside River's window that worries me. It's the same one that was damaged in the storm and while all of that part is gone, there's a big branch we can't get to that hangs over River's room. I'm sure it's fine but I'd like it gone just so I'll feel better, but there's nothing I can do about it tonight.

I took photos of the house, fence, cars and all of the trees around our property. It's good to have stuff like that in case something does happen. Fingers crossed I can just delete them all tomorrow without a second thought. That is until next week's natural disaster comes rolling into town.

The wind is freaking me out a little. I must be the only one though because as I sit here in my sun room surrounded by windows I can hear my neighbors kid running around in the rain yelling. It takes all kinds I guess.

Anyhoo, this is me today, on my empty deck while my kids shove their toys into the water that has filled the umbrella stand. I love finding new babysitters.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-26T18:16:00.013-04:00

Today was Owen's first day of pre-school. He was in school last year but now he's in a 5 day a week program and he seems pretty excited about it! He's kinda had 3 or 4 first days of school. He started Ms. Jean's class in February, then he went to summer school with Ms. Michele. When the new school year started he had Ms. Laura and Ms. Connie. All four of those teachers were awesome but at the beginning of each new adventure, he didn't want me to leave him. I remember walking away when I dropped him off for Ms. Jean's class and he was screaming and clawing to get to me. It was heart wrenching. I walked away because I knew it was best for him. I'm not saying it was Sophie's Choice, his happiness or learning, but it wasn't easy to leave him there like that. He cried and fought when being left for all of those classes, but there were no tears today. At least not from him.

I got a little teary as I left my smiling baby boy in line to go into the school. It was moving to see how far he's come. I love that he's excited! When I picked him up, he was so excited to tell me about the things they'd done.! It was so sweet.

While Owen was at school, River and I did some emergency shopping for the hurricane. God people are annoying! I think some of these fuckers have reverted to cannibalism as a way to prepare for the storm. Yeah, it could be bad but we don't live on the beach, we're inland so I'm hoping we won't get hammered. They're calling for up to 100 mph winds and that just won't do. I know for sure that there is a run on bottled water and D batteries. Thankfully we have plenty of both.

A friend is coming over in the morning to help Chris get rid of the tree debris that is still in our yard. The last thing we need is to have that shit become projectiles and fly through the neighbors windows. That would be a fucking nightmare. I made sure we have extra food for the week after I saw the Governor of Maryland say that we should be prepared to be on our own for 72 hours because they can't get to everyone.

Chris actually asked me if I wanted to take the kids and go further inland. Ummm, no. A/ I don't have any place to go. I'm sure finding a hotel room farther away would not be easy. B/ I want to kill looters.

This is me today with my baby, waiting for Owen to get out of school. We missed him today. Having him gone 5 days a week will take some getting used to. River asked me to go pick him up like 10 times. It was kinda sad. I love my babies!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-25T21:07:00.011-04:00

Storms and earthquakes and hurricanes, oh my! I'm over this shitty weather. I can handle it here and there but less than two weeks and all this shit has happened? I just got TV back tonight from the first of Mother Nature's evil deeds. We get a new microwave tomorrow as well. I am crossing my fingers that the new satellite dish holds up through this hurricane that looks to hit sometime very early on Sunday. I hope that isn't true but the whole area is in the shit zone...not cool. I've still got half a tree broken up in my side yard. That will make for nice projectiles in those 80-100 mph winds. Here's hoping that bitch turns and goes out to sea. I'm not in the mood to be heroic again. Did I not just grab my children and run screaming from the house? Isn't that enough??

Anyhoo, we had appointments for most of the day today. We went to turn in the paperwork to register River for ballet classes. I think she's more excited than I am. She keeps walking around saying, "I'm a princess! I'm a princess!" Ugggghhh, whatever makes her happy. I really think she'll like the class. I know she likes the gear.

After that we had an appointment to get the kids photos taken. We do it every three months by the same guy. He also did the playgroup photos last week but those are total shit so I went back and had their photos taken alone. Such a great idea! We got one of the best photos of Owen ever taken. I love when you can see sweetness in a photo.

Somebody is raging......

After photos, which were pretty uneventful, we had to rush home and wait for Direct TV, again. This time, they showed up! It took them a while but at least they came. Of course as soon as he walked through the house and onto the deck, it started pouring rain. Figures. I was afraid he's tell me he had to leave because they can't get on the roof in the rain. I would have expected that but I've been watching the same 5 episodes of Kipper and Super Why so if I had to get up there my fucking self and adjust that thing, I was prepared to do that.

Thankfully he sat in the van til the rain slowed and then hung out under the overhang when it drizzled again but he got it done. I heard birds sing when I checked all of the TVs to make sure they worked. It was kismet too because Remember Me was coming on as the guy pulled out of my driveway. River was down for her nap and Owen said, "Momma, can I watch Kipper."

How do you tell your son that you would rather melon ball your eyes out than watch that whinny fucking dog for one more second? I just flat out refused and told him that I needed some adult time with the TV. I needed adult voices. I had no plans to watch the end of the Remember Me as it always leaves me unsettled but I watched enough. Bow chika, bow bow.....Robert Pattinson is a piece of ass and I don't care who knows it. But I digress...

I also made some decisions today regarding friendships. I'm ending a few. It's time. I love my friends but I'm leaving "acquaintances" by the curb. I've never been one to be surrounded by girlfriends and now I know why. Uggghh, sometimes I think I should have been born with a penis. Bitches is crazy.

On a side note, if you want to make a comment to me about how I don't do anything for anyone else....FUCK YOU! I don't do anything for you because I don't like you. I do plenty for people whose company I enjoy.

This is me today, checking on my new dish in the rain. Looking forward to the end of this self reflection and wishing others would give it a try.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-24T09:52:00.011-04:00

I'm crushing on my baby today. It's our last free day before he starts school on Friday. After Friday, except for the summer, he's in school 5 days a week...forever!

I thought about going to the zoo with a friend or meeting some friends for playgroup but I asked Owen what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go to the park. So, the park is where we went.

The park is kind of a free day. At the zoo, you kinda have to go from animal to animal so there's a pattern. At playgroup, you have to listen to me because you're in someone else's house. I think he just wanted to run around screaming. It's OK. I can totally relate.

I needed to stop by a local dance school to get info on registering River for ballet. I did that first thing and then we went to the park and the kids played on the playgroud for what seemed like an eternity. I just let them go because after Friday, this won't come so easy.

After they played forever, we went to Target to get Owen's school supply list taken care of. Since we were out and about, I got the kids lunch at the Target deli place. I love taking my kids there. I don't know what it is about that place but my kids are never more well behaved or kind to each other when we're there. They share their food, well. They say please and thank you, to each other and they're just kind. It's like the politeness Twilight Zone. It's creepy.

We only needed a few things and he seems OK with using his backpack from last year so it was an easy trip. I also bought River some things for her ballet class. I have never seen a leotard and tutu worked with such grace. I mean, dayyyuummm!!!

I don't know what it is about the Droid but when there is poor light, everything turns to shit. So these photos suck, but you can still see rockstar. I've just got to learn how to put that spun gold up into a bun.

I put the first outfit on her and told her to look in the mirror. She looked up at herself and said, "I'm a princess Momma!" As sweet as it was, I found myself thinking. WTF? How does that even happen? We've never watched that shit in my house and she isn't in school. Where do little girls get that shit? Does someone sneak in her room at night and whisper in her ear, "You are a princess....you are a princess." If that's the case, I'm setting up a stake out and I'm gonna gut that bitch. I want my daughter to be fierce, not a princess. I want her to lead an army, not have birds land on her fucking finger when she sings....although that would be kind nice, I guess. She'll need at least one ugly stepsister so I need to get divorced and remarry. That's just too much work.

After Target we went back to the park because that's what Owen wanted to do. This time after they played on the playgroud for a bit, we walked down to the water.

I'm still in awe at how kind Owen can be to his sister.

Can you feel the attitude? He acts like he can't look right at me for one photo. I like how his eyeballs barrel through me to drive the point home.

River was holding onto her bow for dear life yelling "Momma, hairbow, hairbow!" She thought it was going to blow into the bay.

Anyhoo, this is me today with my angels at the park on Owen's last day of freedom! I'm crushin' on my baby!

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It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux ~ EARTHQUAKE or Johnny Flynn?

2011-08-23T14:36:00.009-04:00

Well played Mother Nature, well played.

I had a relatively quiet day planned for the kids and I. I had a meeting first thing this morning with Owen's new teacher. It was successful in that I got Owen's class time changed. I was worried about that in that I didn't want him going to school in the middle of the day. It just seemed stupid. Both kids (and me) would miss everything. We wouldn't be able to meet friends fora playdate after school because after school would be 4:00. So, it's good to check that off of my list. Now, I just need to sign River up for some thing to do while he's at school this year. IE, ballet, swim lessons, juggling.....

After that, we made a small stop at the mall and then came home to get lunch and wait for the Direct TV guy who is supposed to be here between 12-4. It's 2:41 and still we wait.

I gave the kids lunch and let them play together for a while, while I did some cleaning. They play together so well that I try to let them do it as often as possible. I played music on my iPod speakers while they played and we danced around the kitchen. The sounds of their giggles clearly audible over the music. All hail the power of Johnny Flynn!

I put River down for her nap, turned the music down and continued cleaning. I was standing in the kitchen going through papers when I felt the floor shake. I looked at my iPod wondering if I hadn't turned the music down enough. I was listening to 'Kentucky Pill' and there are good drums in that song so I thought I just had the music up too loud during naptime. I realized the music and the shaking weren't in sync so I walked the three steps to the window expecting to see a large truck coming down the street. I didn't see one and I looked back at my china cabinet as the shaking got worse. When stuff started falling I quickly realized that it was an earthquake. I don't know the protocol for an earthquake. Do I get under the stairs (stupid), run to a doorway, put my head between my knees, grab my ankles and pray? I didn't have time to Google it so I did what I think most parents would do, I grabbed my kids and ran! By the time I got to River, she was already screaming. She was trying to get out of her bed that was moving across the room. Her floor is carpeted so that's really no small feet. I grabbed her and dragged Owen behind me and ran outside as hit kept falling around me. There were papers under my feet as I threw the front door opened and ran down the stairs with two crying babies. I think Owen was more freaked out by my behavior than the house that was moving under his feet. I think he thought that part was cool.

I'll be honest, I was scared shitless. There were many other neighbors out in the street so I didn't feel like an idiot for running from my house screaming. I decided to stay outside for a while. The stuff that fell all over the place freaked me out a little bit and I could feel my blood pressure in my eyeballs. Luckily, I had my Droid in my pocket so I did what I'm sure most people did, I took photos of us in the yard. Make the most of it, right? I heard Owen telling River that the house was broken.

This is Owen telling River that the house is broken:

We took some photos and went back inside about 15 minutes later. Johnny Flynn was still playing and I got a giggle out of remembering how fast I tore through the house to the lyrics of that song.

"I'm running from my old playmates

I'm running through the town

I'm running with a gun

That’s gonna shoot my playmates down"

I'm pleased with myself that I can see the humor in that.

I attempted to get River to go back down for her nap and it took some doing. I think she's afraid of her bed. The look on her face when I originally threw the door open was one of complete terror so it really isn't that surprising. I'm just glad that Owen wasn't at school today because I would have been up there ASAP getting his ass out of school. Yes, I would have been that parent. I would just feel better to see him. I'm not the kind of mom that trusts that things are being done to protect him. It's sad that I think that since he's had such great teachers but the search for his school this year will stick with me for a while. It taught me that not everyone has his best interests at heart.

Once I got River back into her bed for her nap and finally got Owen to stop running around yelling "the house is broken!" I was able to survey the damage and besides the Juan Dixon bobble head, nothing was broken. Papers that I had poorly stacked on the table as I cleaned and a cupcake holder that shakes when Owen runs across the kitchen floor fell, but that's nothing.

I did notice that a board popped off of the fence. It's the one that sits against he house so it probably pushed it into the house and it just snapped off. No harm, no foul. It just needs to be put back on.

The earthquake was 5.9 and started just outside of Richmond. I know it was felt in Arlington VA as well as NYC. Because our TV is still out, I can't get too much more info than that. I know that what happened here was trivial and I hope that's the case in other places. It scared the shit out of us, but that was about it. I mean Juan Dixon was a casualty but I can live with that. Although it's now 4:03 and Direct TV has yet to show up....bastards!

Anyhoo, this is me today, afraid to go back into my house and making the most of it. Here's to small aftershocks. Does anyone have a Valium?

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-22T21:22:00.002-04:00

The heat today wasn't as bad as it has been. In fact, I had to adjust the air conditioning because my feet were freezing. I never touch the air.

This came in handy when I went outside to work more on the tree before Chris got home. I was trying to get the majority of it in the front yard so it would be consolidated. Not only did I manage to get all of it out front, but I got two neighbors to help get the dangling pieces onto the ground and then cut them up to put on the curb. When Chris got home he acted like I'd stripped him of his manhood but I never asked the neighbors to help, they just helped. I think we should take a lesson from them. Next time there's some shit going on, send me out to work on it and men will come and do it for me. There's no shame there. Nice guys with chainsaws are always welcome.

Owen ran around the backyard playing while we tore the tree down. He complained a lot about not being able to play under the tree. I don't get it. If there's danger, my kid wants to be right in the action. It's like a gravitational pull.

Tomorrow we have a meeting with Owen's new pre-school teacher and then we wait all day for Direct TV. Should be fun. I'm looking forward to talking to his teacher and getting the list of things he'll need. Cross your fingers we get to move to the other time slot!

Anyhoo, this is me today. Well, it's my shadow anyway.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-21T18:55:00.002-04:00

It rained again today. My grass has never been greener, which I appreciate but I'm over it. Our Direct TV is out, our microwave imploded and if I see the same five episodes of Kipper again, I might get some twine out of the shed and hang myself from the shower curtain rod.

For the last two days, I've had to make our food on the stove, like they did in Walnut Grove. What? Am I a machine? There are certain luxuries that come from having to live through the 70s and one of them is being able to nuke my food. I want it crumpled upon itself on a twirling plate in less than two minutes, not perfectly heated upon the stove in 10. I don't have that kind of time.

The new microwave is coming on Friday and Direct TV will be here on Tuesday. I think we need to microwave more to be honest. Being able to nuke a hot dog in one minute is something you take for granted when you have to wait for the stove top to heat up. Luckily we have hours and hours of saved television but we'll miss True Blood tonight. Luckily they repeat those things every hour on the hour so we can catch it later or even watch it online.

We didn't do anything else to the tree today because it was set to rain and to be honest, I don't know what we're going to do with the huge dangling part. It's just hanging there, biding it's time. I know that fucker is waiting for me to walk underneath it. I'm waiting til I have health insurance again so if it happens, I can afford to have my head sewn back on.

The kids played in the yard while I de-pooped so my husband could mow the grass, which he did, minus weed eating. It started to rain just as he was finishing. I swear it rains every time he tries to do something to the lawn. It's weird.

Anyhoo, this is me today, hanging in the yard trying to look like I'm not annoyed at the humidity during the 15 minutes of sunlight. Did I succeed?

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-20T17:10:00.010-04:00

I was put on this earth for many things. Smart ass comebacks, driving 5 miles to save two dollars, terse responses, great photos of my kids and blunt honesty. That's the kind of shit I bring to the table. I however was not put on this earth for manual labor and sweating when there is no fun involved.

I got up this morning and drove the kids back to the mall because today is the last day of tax free shopping. I thought I was done yesterday but I came home and had a dream about this kick ass jacket I should have bought for Owen yesterday. I love this damn thing! You can't tell in this photo but it's got little skull & crossbones on the buttons!

We stopped by Target as well in search of a couple of cheap black t-shirts. You'd think I was on the look out for a dress made of snot. Can I seriously be the only person who would like their kid to have a black t-shirt? I searched the whole damn mall and then Target as well and came up with nothing. If you know where I can find some, let me know.

After that and enough cheap popcorn to make my kids agreeable, we came home and put River down for a nap and went outside and got down to business on this tree that fell across our fence yesterday.

This is what it looked like before we started:

We had concerns that the tree had it's weight on our brand new fence and was either already cracking it or would crack it as we started cutting it away and it fell under it's own weight onto the fence.

We removed limb by limb and piece by piece so that when it came time to remove the big limb or it snapped, it wouldn't take the new fence with it. I think in the end we did it perfectly because the fence doesn't show a mark. We're lucky, our neighbors lost 2 big trees, one took out their kids new trampoline, the neighbors on the other side had a tree land in their truck and apparently one big tree fell down the street across 2 or 3 yards, landing in someones pool.

One funny part of the storm, River was in the sunroom finishing her dinner and the wind was really blowing. At one point there was a loud noise outside and River ran screaming back towards the kitchen where the rest of us were. She stopped, turned around (still screaming) and ran back to the couch to get her plate, then turned around (still screaming) and ran back towards the kitchen. Priceless. Nothing makes my baby miss a meal!

So, this is me today, sweating my ass off with my husband as my daughter sleeps and my son runs through the yard doing everything I tell him not to do. I LOVE trees, but not when I'm removing them (by hand) from my yard...without gloves....on a hot day.....

Not cool.

Manual labor much?

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-19T15:08:00.011-04:00

Tax free back to school shopping. That's how we spent our day. Besides a pretzel and a water I didn't buy one thing for River but I got Owen some groovy new clothes for school and even a new pair of shoes.

I never knew it was possible for a 4 year old to wear a size two but that's what I bought him. When I realized that's what he needed this year, I just sat on the floor at Kohl's and shook my head. He has monster feet and I assume always will. The width is awe worthy and I'm just glad he can comfortably wear Chuck Taylors because I'd be sad if he couldn't. He has trouble with Vans, which I found out the hard way. Not too hard as I got them from a consignment shop but he wore them once and now points at them like they're filled with poison. No biggie, Chuck Taylors it is!

I bought him these underwear:

Seriously, if they had these in my size, I'd be sportin' these bitches right now! How cool are those underwear? I LOVE things for little kids that aren't babyish. It's harder to find than you might think but when I come across it, I almost always buy it. You should see me constantly on the hunt for a black dress for my two year old. It's never ending. As it is, I put her in a pink dress with her black Chucks and people look at me like I've lost my mind. Just because she's a chick doesn't mean she has to dress like a garden vomited on her. It is my goal to never allow white sandals if I can help it. I'm just not that kind of mom.

I also got some cool shirts at Crazy 8, which is where I got the underwear. This one is my favorite:

I also stopped by H&M and got him a new shirt and the coolest pair of pants that snap up and become shorts. He is going to be the coolest kid in his class....again.

Back to school shopping complete, although he'll need a light jacket. I saw one I liked today but it was $30. It felt like a lot.

Oh yeah, I take that back about not buying River anything today. I got her some Odor Eaters at Target. They're adult size because apparently they don't make them for 2 year olds as judged by the response I got at the pharmacy when I asked. All I know is that when I take her Chucks off, her feet smell like pickled death! Her shoes smell up her room. Actually I can smell them from here and I'm in the sunroom. If you know me you know that is the opposite end of the house. So, I've got to get to cuttin' her up a tiny pair to sneak into her shoes tonight like I'm some kind of cobbling Elf.

On a side note, it took everything I had not to rip off River's shoe and shove it into the face of that snooty bitch at the pharmacy. I didn't. Apparently I continue to grow as a person. Really the fact that I didn't even once think of shoving them up her ass shows my growth.

Anyhoo, this is me today flanked by my babies after back to school shopping. I hadn't realized we were wearing the same shoes until someone pointed it out to me at the mall. Good times.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-18T21:55:00.012-04:00

In a last ditch effort to enjoy Owen's summer vacation, I loaded the kids in the van and did the one thing I knew he'd love no matter what. We went to the Baltimore Train Museum. I must have made the right decision because the second the GPS gace away where we were going, Owen started yelling "Train museum, train museum!"

We have a membership and I have no idea how many times we've used it but it's somewhere between "Holy shit are we going there again" and "I'd rather listen to polka than enter that fucking building." While I'm totally over it, Owen LOVES it! He runs into that building like they're giving away free gold bullion. I don't get it but whatever, the membership has more than paid for itself.

During the summer the outdoor things are open. There's a train they can ride, a carousel (I hate those things, just watching it makes me feel nauseous) and a model train set that Owen LOVES!

I think Owen's next favorite thing is the train car with the model trains. He runs up and down the track chasing it. Weird.

River likes spotting the cars.

In celebration of summer I allowed them to basically eat their weight in cheese curls. I never let them eat cheese curls. The only reason they know what that is, is because Owen got them as a snack at school last year and begged for them every time we went to Giant. I can count on One hand how many times I gave in and bought them for him..."0"....but he keeps trying. So this was a special treat for them both. It might have been the first time River had ever had them but she worked it out. She had so much orange shit on her face that even after I cleaned her, she looked jaundiced. She would have done better with a hose down.

This is about the time I starting my inner pleading and tried to find an exit route. Here's the problem with that museum, being inside the museum is like being outside except with no air and the only breeze comes from a running child. It's hot as shit in there and I sweat buckets while the kids wanted to play dress up.

I tried to look happy but the only thing more annoying than no air in the museum is telling Owen that it's time to go. He throws his hand on his hip and starts growling, as evidenced in the first photo.

So, this is me today, taking shit from my kid for trying to breathe. Can a sista get some air?

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-17T20:15:00.009-04:00

We started early this morning. River was kicking her door at 7 and we had somewhere to be at 9. I had every intention of getting us there on time but I needed a shower and River was being whiny. So, we arrived at 9:45.

We had playgroup at Stephanie's new house this morning. It was nice to see everyone as this Wednesday playgroup has become something that's impossible to get to regularly. With Owen starting school 5 days a week soon, I'm sure it's only going to get worse. I missed the part about them playing in the water so I didn't bring a swimsuits for them. Thankfully Laura let Owen borrow a pair of shorts and I let River run around in her diaper. Nothing says "trailer" like a kid running around in a soaked diaper.

I love to see a kids legs fly over their head on a slip n slide. That means they're having fun:

Owen had a great time and kept running down in the field behind her house. I have no idea of the fascination but he did it over and over:

It felt like the whole time we were there all I did was yell at River. She really, really loved the slip n slide so every time she slid down, she tried to hork her way in line and go again and every time I yelled at her to get in the back of the line. Finally we just had to leave because she was being annoying but here's a picture of Lisa moving her to the back of the line for the 50th time. It was embarrassing.

After we left we made a couple of quick stops and then came ran to the market to pick something up for dinner. I promised the kids if they were good that I'd get them a cookie from the case when we got over to the bakery. As usual, they were good but River doesn't understand that you have to pay for things first. She did what she does whatever I promise them a cookie and Giant and that is that she screams at the case as I walk towards the registers and bitches that she can't eat it before I pay for it. Over her screams I manage to pay and we start heading out. We pass customer service as River continues her incessant whaling when the woman behind the counter looks at River and says, "Ohh, are you tired?" River looks right at her and as loud as she can screams "Nooooooo!" You would have thought the devil came out of her with that nonsense. The lady just laughed and it was so evil that I had to laugh too. Whatever, she got a cookie in the car.

Sometimes I think my kids just like to bitch. I think they get that from their father. :)

After I put her evil cookie eatin' ass to bed, Owen and I went in the back yard to take some photos. I took the one above for today and I actually let Owen touch my camera. I don't do this often but it wasn't my better camera so I felt at peace with it. It was on a tripod so it's not like he was running around with it. I took this photo of him, which I thought was sweet.

I like this one because he looks crazy:

I like this one because he clicked the button for the timer and ran around to get in the photo with me:

Anyhoo, this is me today, thankful that I've only got 14 more days of this. Holy shit, 14 more days?

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-16T20:16:00.003-04:00

I painted my bathroom today. It was about time as I think we bought these gallons of paint well over 6 months ago. They've been sitting in my sunroom, mocking me this whole time and I decided over the weekend that I would do it while Chris was gone to work and it was just the kids and I. It's just easier that way. painting with Chris is a nightmare. He spends the whole time trying to finesse the paint and commenting on how "we'll have to paint it all white again anyway if we sell" while I do all the work. I know he'll say that isn't true but he can say that on his blog. This ones mine.

I forget the name of the colour but I remember it involving the would serenity. It's kind of a sage but maybe a little darker. It's the first non white wall in our house. Chris is a white wall kinda guy and I"m just not. I've wanted to paint these walls since day one. We have two kids with sticky, dirty fingers so I look forward to a day when our hallway doesn't look like a dirty dry erase board.

We didn't leave the house today. I got up as soon as Chris left for work and started prepping. I didn't shower or wash my hair and I'm almost certain I have paint in my hair. The paint on my nose is the colour I used. It looks darker behind me. What sucks is that (and this is totally me) I couldn't find the painters tape until half way through so half of the ceiling looks like shit. I'm gonna have to do some work on the ceiling Michelangelo style. Also, whoever finished the basement of our house is an asshat. There are places in there that I had to paint with my old art paintbrushes from college. Ever heard of code, jackass??

This is me today, looking kinda Oompa Loompaish and dirty in my bathroom. The lighting was terrible and I didn't have the energy to change it. Give me a break! I'd been painting for 5 hours!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-15T18:25:00.009-04:00

It was sunny outside today for about 20 minutes and then the rest of the day was a rainy shitty mess. I'm glad we've gotten rain lately because my lawn is a nice shade of green instead of an even hue of baby shit brown, but I'm done now. I think we've had plenty. I'd like to be able to sit on the grass without having to sit on plastic or worry about the muddy prints my dog leaves on the carpet.

I got a Kindle for my birthday from my husband and then Amazon gift cards from both his parents and mine. It took some doing to figure out how to use a GC to purchase a Kindle book but I worked through it. First purchase, The Complete Twilight Saga. I had to represent. I'm diggin' it so far.

I didn't feel so great so we sat around the house most of the morning doing nothing before we went to Walmart to pick up a few things. Against my better judgement I let River walk instead of riding in the cart because I wasn't interested in hearing her bitch about it. "No cart Momma, no cart!" gets really old after the 50th time you hear it screamed into your ear.

We got what we needed and we paid, but while we were in line Owen started in with the "Momma, you said we could see the trains. You promised momma!" He was right. I'd promised him that we could visit the train isle filled with every train he already owns and I'd forgotten. So, after we paid, we went back to that isle. It was poring anyway. River was being a pill and Owen was running in front of the cart, too far and he'd disappear from time to time annoying the shit out of me. Part of me wants to say to him, "Remind me to tell you some day who Adam Walsh is" but I stop myself daily. I certainly think of him whenever I can't see either of my children in a store.

Anyhoo, we get to the train isle and I let both kids run around in it while I check my email with one eye. Other people were in the isle but I didn't care so I didn't really pay them any mind, and then I hear it. A voice that is clearly talking to me. Ugggggg, can't a sista get some me time?

I reluctantly look up to the lankiest fucker ever, totally eyeballing me. I said, "What?" I thought it was 1/3 nice enough for the situation and 2/3 'do I look like a people person?"
He asked me how I was doing and in a voice that was purposely terse I said, "I'm fine." and went back to my business of ignoring him. It was quiet for a few seconds but that utopia wouldn't last. I think I actually rolled my eyes when he spoke again as I watched both my kids with both eyes, sure Lanky Mc Lankenstein was going to abscond with them.

"You don't have a ring. You're not married?" Now I rolled my eyes. Personal question alert. I shouldn't have to wear my beautiful wedding ring out in this humidity just to get this fucker off my ass.
"I'm married." Short and to the point, right? I gestured to my children as if to say, and I'm busy. I mean not every girl in Hazzard County gets all a flutter when she sees Mr. Whatthefuck in Walmart. In fact if I were 41, single and pathetic and I met Mr. Dreamy British hot sweet ass guy in Walmart I would tell him to go away until he saw me in Target. I mean who wants to have to tell that story for years to come? "Our eyes met over the silk flowers, store brand tampons and hefty bags?" No thanks.

I thought that would be enough, as if my darting eyes in all their evil would say what I tried not to which was "BACK THE FUCK UP OFF ME!"
"You're not just saying that to get me to go away, are you?"
"No I'm not but I'd still like you to go away."

That did it.

This is me today, happily married to a human.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux (I'm 41, Bitches!)

2011-08-14T14:22:00.011-04:00

..and so I find myself at the close of another "National Michelle Day." It was a good one but as in everyday that is a celebration of me, it wasn't long enough. Technically it was a "National Michelle Weekend." I went to dinner and a movie with friends on Friday. My husband took me to see Wicked at the Kennedy Center last night after apps at Brian Boru and then we rounded out the trifecta by ditching the kids with a friend while we went to Sakura.

At Brian Boru I had a kickass Appltini. It was really good and hella strong but there are no fillers in those things. This one seemed stronger than usual as I think I saw God when I took my first sip. These are the kinds of drink where you know you'll wake up in the morning with hair growing from your teeth in a mad rush to find your underwear. Needless to say, I only had one.

My husband and I have seen Wicked three times now. We first saw it at The Gershwin in NYC before we were married and then again on our honeymoon in London. I like to tell people we've seen it on two continents. A little dramatic, but true enough. I'm a big fan so when we heard it was coming again to DC, I jumped at the chance. Chris likes it as well but after seeing it twice, he was kinda doing it for me.

I've loved all three performances but this was my least favorite of the three. The first one at the Gershwin was stellar! Everything about it was perfect in that it was just powerful and up to that point was the best performance I'd ever seen. I thought it was so good that I cried as Elphaba sang "Defying Gravity" and I thought that was the end, when it was only the intermission. Then we saw it again in London on what turned out to be media night. We somehow ended up in the 2nd row with the most exuberant crowd I'd ever seen and Indina Menzel playing Elphaba. It was so good that it was sick. Those two performances would be impossible to stop and the one last night didn't. It wasn't as powerful and I wondered if they were a bit tired. I know that Glinda was the understudy and I was bummed by that as I thought her voice was a little weak, but I thought the same thing about Elphaba. I wasn't even bothered that at the beginning of the show when Glinda makes her entrance, the bubble she was begin lowered to the stage on broke and they had to stop the show. Shit like that happens but I expected more power from both of them and I don't care who you are or what you do, no one will ever play Elphaba like Indina Menzel.

In the final instalment of my birthday fun, we went to Sakura. I'm weird about my birthday. I have a thing about doing something on my actual birthday. My husband could but me a brand new car with the trunk filled with gold bullion but if he gives it to me on the 13th instead of my actual birthday, I'd be pissed. It's like if a free falls in the forest.....If we celebrate my birthday NOT on my birthday...did it really happen? Crazy I know, but that's how I am.

So, in keeping with my "do it on my birthday" stance, we rounded the weekend off at Sukura, sans kids. We've been there with the kids before but River hides under the table. She wants nothing to do with the flying knives and the onion choo choo train. She shoots deathrays at the cooks and practically screams in they so much as look at her. She isn't a fan so we're trying to wait a few years before we try again.

We dropped when off with our friend Angie and her family. Since Angie is a mom of three I asked her to take a took at some mosquito bites on River's legs that she's been scratching at. I just wanted to make sure they weren't infected. Good thing Iasked, turns out those aren't mosquitto bites, they're posion ivy! For the love of all things holy, how hard is it to be a Smith and make it through 30 days with no insurance? The asnwer to that question is, "Pretty fucking impossible." Strep throat, thrush and now poison ivy. If you saw what happened to me the last time I had poison ivy you would run in fear. I ended up with one eye sealed shut and the other one barely a slit when I got a steroid pack that slowly made it go away. That was fucking horrific. What poison ivy does to me is not fun. Now I've got to keep it off of all our faces? I can handle it on my body as annoying as that is but once it's on my face, I AM FUCKED!

Regardless of what ailments lurk, I had a good birthday. I got up this morning and went to Starbucks for 4 hours. Just me and my laptop...and of course Johnny Flynn. I can't remember the last time I had a good day without Johnny Flynn. He's the peacemaker.

Anyhoo, this is me today, in a field by a school that my son once attended. You should have seen the people walking their dogs and the kids riding their bikes. They must have thought I was crazy. So funny!

I had a good birthday. Nothing excites me more than a celebration of me.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-13T23:54:00.002-04:00

Damn this was a long day! It started out nice and then I lost our home phone and Internet after the storm. It wasn't a big storm so I was shocked that we'd lost both. We've been here almost 5 years and have never really lost either. I had a sneaking suspicion those fucking whining Verizon strikers were behind it.

Clearly that's irrational but I am so annoyed by those fuckers that they creep into my mind daily. My husband worked there for 15 years (non union) and just left last month. I hated Verizon and their shitty customer service way before I met my husband and toned down my hatred when I married him. He'll laugh at that but it's true. I didn't loudly hate them for those years but the time has come for my hatred to be screamed from the mountain tops. I mean if you as a company make me wish I still had Comcast, that's some evil shit right there.

Aside from my deep seeded hate of all things Verizon, I also hate the Verizon workers who are striking. While I get that insurance isn't the only thing you're striking for, get over yourself. Most people who work in this country pay for insurance. The economy is shit which I'm sure you sit home and blame other people for and I understand fighting for what's right, trust me. But are you seriously bitching about shit like having to pay for your own insurance in this economy? I didn't have insurance for the majority of my 20s. How I survived I will never know so be lucky you have insurance at all! Hell, be lucky you have a job period. If I owned Verizon I'd pull a Ronald Reagan and fire your asses. See if you fare better on Cobra.

Anyhoo, I didn't have Internet for the better part of the day. Me without Internet is not pretty and I thought the sky was falling 20 minutes in. I envisioned no Internet until the strike was over and I was looking into who I could sell my soul to. Hopefully it didn't come to that. If I had to rely on Verizon to come out and fix it I probably would have looked into Comcast which is kinda like selling my soul.

This is me today, blowing kisses.

It's quickly becoming my birthday so I'll finishe dmy post on The Help tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to me!

The Help

2011-08-13T00:26:00.012-04:00

For my birthday a couple of girlfriends and I got sushi and went to see a movie. I originally wanted something funny because I like to laugh, I mean who doesn't? However we settled on The Help. While I am NOT a fan of Bryce Dallas Howard because I think she ruined Victoria in Eclipse, I went to the movie anyway after hearing what a great book it was.

There was a little girl in the movie played by twins who I guess was on the chunky side, blond and sweet faced, even though they mentioned that she was ugly, I didn't see it. The problem was that while this little blond haired baby might not have looked just like River, I saw River in her. I knew as soon as I saw that kid that she was going to be trouble for me.

In the beginning of the film, Aibileen sits in a chair holding baby Mae in her lap and May is rubbing the skin of Aibileens cheeks. It made me think how beautiful it must be to feel only love for someone without seeing the colour of their skin. I wonder if my baby girl will be able to do that. I can teach her everything under the sun about acceptance of others and loving someone for what's inside but she'll watch TV and see the lowest common denominator, see movies and have stupid friends like everyone. I just hope I find a way of saving both my kids from hating people just because they feel like they're supposed to. Annoyed by stupid people, I can deal with that but hating someone because of the way they were born, whatever that means, would piss me off to no end.

It was a good movie and probably an excellent book, that I will never read. It was too much for me. Although I'm not really sure why. I mean I knew there would clearly be racism, abuse, evil, degradation and police brutality. It was the 50s! There was just something about that little girl that got me. I know it's because of River but it annoys me a bit that I see a movie about the treatment of black maids in the 50s and a little white girl affected me the most. I guess that's the only part of the story I hadn't seen before. Aibileen was so kind and nurturing to her when her own mother was worthless as a parent and a person really. As she screamed at the window I found myself wondering what she's do with just her shitty mother to look out for her. My guess is that she'll turn into her mother which was the saddest possible outcome that I could see. It's never fun to see a cycle continuing.

As the credits rolled I wished I hadn't seen it but with some distance I'm glad I did. I mean I cried so hard that I couldn't see the credits but I think it's an important story to tell. People just need to know things like that happened, that people were treated that way. The only problem is that I don't think racicts would see a film like this and that's who needs to see it. I can't imagine being so dismissive and degrading to someone and I can be an insufferable bitch. If I ever heard one of my children refer to someone as "colored" I think I'd fly off the handle. I know it was a different time but I can't imagine my Grandmother would have tolerated it from her kids and they were raised during that time, and in Tennessee.

In the end Bryce Dallas Howard didn't ruin it for me. While she sucked hard at playing a vampire, she was much better as a snotty know-it-all bitch. Not sure what that says about her, but whatever. My favorite character was Constantine and I won't tell you who played her in case you haven't seen it yet because seeing her surprised me. I hadn't seen her in years and I loved her. Hella talented! Her eyes as the door was closed in her face were haunting.

I just don't think you can call yourself authentic if you can celebrate your surceases without acknowledging the suffering of others. It's always OK to hate someone. In the 50s it was black people. Now it's gays and everyone with dark skin who are shoved under the title "Mexican." I think it helps people feel better about themselves when they can look down on someone else. It's sad but it's just the way it is. To say otherwise would be sugarcoating things and that's a waste of time. I've known more than my fair share of Hillys in my life and as I sit here now, I can tell you most of them besides being racists are just nasty miserable people so that kind of hatred may serve you for a while but it gets you in the end. My favorite kind of racists are the ones who think no one knows they're such evil bastards. Makes me giggle. Here's a secret, I'll even whisper it to you. Come real close so you can hear......

WE ALL KNOW!!!!!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-12T16:09:00.010-04:00

This morning started early. Owen woke me up by tapping on my face. Short of swinging my arm violently, I'm not sure how I'll ever make him understand how much I hate that. I even yelled at him a little bit. "Tap on my ass, DO NOT tap on my face!" He just doesn't get it. Besides being woken up with a pillow over my face, it's the worst way to wake up for me. I hate hands on my face. Someday he'll get it and I hope it doesn't take being pancaked against the bedroom wall before that happens.

We had our yearly photoshoot for our playgroup. In the group are 10 moms and 17 children. One mom couldn't come because her twin boys were teething. Totally understand missing that. My kids barley acknowledged they had teeth coming in but I know some kids go through hell getting new teeth. I can't imagine multiplying that by two. Anyhoo, we were down one mom and three kids. Still, 9 moms and 14 kids is a lot of sucked up oxygen for one rather small photo studio. We've been doing this for years and I've been one of the most vocal advocates, even willing to take my kid out of school at one point because I think they're important but I think I'm done with these photos in a studio like this. We've just outgrown it. I love our photographer. We takes photos of my kids every 3 months or so but it's just become to much. It just isn't worth trying to do that again. It's too stressful and I think the kids get the brunt of that.

Next year the big kids will start turning 5 and we've talked about hiring a photographer and going to a local park with a tree lined lake that is amazingly beautiful during mid/late October to early November. I took these photo last year from October 18th-23rd and the leaves were perfect. They were stunning really.

I imagine our babies in matching red shirts with this as our back drop. If we have a photographer who is worth a dame I can see them turning out great. It's easy to go wrong though with a wishy washy photographer who can't run a shoot so we've got to choose carefully. You have to be more than just a photographer or organize 10 mommas and 18 babies.

After the photos, we went to the park. I wanted to let the kids play for a while since that hour long mess. They'd done well for me so I let them play around a bit and we even got our feet in the water. Well, Owen and I did. River stood at the top of the boat ramp like jaws was waiting for her at the bottom, yet she'll run and jump off the couch without looking down. She's a beautiful but odd bird.

This is me on a beautiful day with my beautiful babies. A year ago Owen wouldn't get near the water and here he is now sinking his feet in the sand with me. We have a deal when we go to this park. They get to play on the playground but they also have to walk down to the water with me after. It's a good deal.

Side note ~ I went to see The Help tonight with some girlfriends for my birthday and it was moving to say the least. I haven't read the book and won't. While I found it to be a good film, it was upsetting in a bad way for me. It's after midnight so I'll explain more tomorrow.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-11T20:18:00.005-04:00

Ahhhhhh, I got my hair did....finally. I hadn't done anything to it since April when I was in Nashville and my friend gave me what was the absolute best cut and colour I'd ever gotten. It was tough to go back to Hair Cuttery after that, let me tell you but since I'd been there before and had the same girl I was going to see, I felt OK with it. Not great, just OK.

The day my friend cut my hair in Nashville I gave her my camera and she took photos from all angels so I'd have them to show the girl when I got my hair cut again. I also had Sam (Nashville friend) write down the info on the colour so I could hand it over, which I did.

The colour was prefect as it looked just like the last time, thanks to Sam! However I'd have to say that she butchered my hair just a little and once she was finished I had to go back through the photos and walk her through how to fix it. I was nice about it but when she was done (or when she thought she was done) I looked like I had one hair cut in the front and another in the back. I looked like I had a tumor on the back of my head and I can't imagine she thought that looked good. In the end I really like my hair, although it isn't exactly what I asked for. I'm cool with it. At least my gray isn't hummin' like a faulty furnace. It was like a beacon of light before I walked in there this morning.

I think I might keep this colour till they close the box on me. I'm diggin' it. There's something rockstarish about it.

This is my today, lovin myself.

A couple of outtakes:

I liked these photos so much that we might go out again tomorrow if the sun is out. The park sounds like a good idea. Now watch it fucking rain.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-10T22:47:00.004-04:00

In my endless attempt to gut my home of useless crap, I came across my crendolin under the stairs. I wore it under my wedding dress and while it was necessary for the dress, I don't think I realized before how Gone with the Wind it was. It made me feel the need to rip down my curtains and get crackin' on a dress. I didn't do that but I did play in the yard with it. Yeah, I'm the neighborhood crackpot and I'm totally at peace with that.

It was hotter than ten poops today so we didn't do it for long but we played in the yard and took some photos. Then we drove to have lunch with daddy. School will start soon and that won't be an option so it was nice to do that today.

After we got home I put River down for her nap, which she takes daily now. She didn't take one for the majority of the time Chris worked from home and while I don't like to point fingers, I blame him. Anyhoo, I put her down for her nap and then I attacked my closet and when I say "attacked" I mean I tossed more than I kept. If I saved one one item of clothing, I tossed six. It needed to happen. I had work shirts that I wore as a restaurant manager and I quit that job in 1998! I also found colours that I just don't do. I found a baby blue t-shirt. I must have been drunk on wine coolers when I bought that shit. I can't remember the last time I wore baby blue! I kinda have a rule that I don't wear colours that most people put on their toddlers. Of course I don't put my kids in that shit either.

So now I have like 200+ pieces of clothing laying on my office floor waiting to be donated. I'm gonna make some chunky chick really, really happy. I hope she likes baby blue!

This is me today running around my back yard in a crendolin. Good times.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-09T16:29:00.008-04:00

Oh how I've found a way to love gutting my house! I am coming upon all kinds of shit. Most recently, my wedding veil. Clearly I'm not tossing the veil but I'm digging playing with the things I find. Only I can sit in my back yard and make myself laugh this hard at the absurdity of what I'm doing. Those are always the best photos. I have every intent of a normal photo and then I think about what I'm doing and it makes me laugh so hard that I miss the shutter release. I mean I must be happy because I don't share my fillings with just anyone.

How I found humor in this post downfall heat, I will never know. This was like a pocket of nauseatingly hot weather and then it rained again. I think I even saw hail. Now it's hot again, and wet. That's just a lethal combination. We need to make a run to Target when my husband gets home and I just know I'm gonna sweat. I can already feel it running down my back. I just hate that. It always reminds me of Field Day in the 5th grade when I wore my dark Jordache jeans and that God forsaken purple and white Gloria Vanderbilt sweater. No idea why I wore a sweater on Field Day but I remember sweating like a whore in church and cursing that fucking outfit. I won't even get into the purple and white braided barrette that I wore in my hair. I was trying to hold my bangs back (this may have been the last time I had bangs) because I'd just allowed someone to perm them. The early 80s were so unforgiving. I also had a gap between my front teeth that you could stick a quarter in. I was a fucking mess. Where is that school photo when you need it? I swear on all that is holy that I wore that fucking sweat and barrette in that year's school photo. Ugggg....those barrettes were the worst.

Just for shits and giggles I decided to Google those god awful things and see if I could find an old photo of them from back in the day. To both my shock and utter amazement, people are selling them now! I found this Etsy site where a chick is selling them for $6! These things are ugly as shit! Why you would put your kid in that thing, I can't figure out. I wouldn't and my kid wears a hair bow 24/7, but even I have my limits. I bet this chick makes her kids wear parachute pants as well. Abuse is what this is. Yeah, I wore them in 1980(ish) but I was in the 5th grade! What's your excuse?

I spent most of the day on the phone scheduling and rescheduling photo shoots and trying to get 10 women and 17 children into one room to have our annual photos taken. We've done it every year for a while now and they're great photos but trying to get this many people together is a full time job, stressful. The date is set and while I'm sure that while we're there it will be a nightmare, that will probably last less than an hour and then we're done for another year, which sounds really good right now. Did I mention that it was stressful?

Anyway, this is me today in my wedding veil. I took a photo with Owen as well because I though it was cool that the last time I wore this (5 years ago next month) I was 5 months pregnant with him. Now look at him! Like a ray of fucking sunshine!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-08T21:16:00.006-04:00

I woke up this morning to find that my husband, after making dinner last night had kindly left me a sink full of dirty dishes and with an ant problem, it wasn't pretty. I was so annoyed and grossed out that I did what any self respecting wife and mother would do, I loaded the kids up and we went to the fucking pool.

We'd planned to meet our friend Angie at the gym pool but then we ended up going over to a friend's house and playing in her pool. Much nicer and nobody bitching about swim diapers. It's also partially shaded so no sunburn for the Irish!

They have those little rocket things that you throw to the bottom of the pool and then the kids go get them, except my kids don't go get them so I have to. I don't know how to swim, I've never opened my eyes underwater and I hold my nose so it's kinda like Helen Keller walking through a red tag sell in a furniture store. Seriously, it would probably be more successful to just send my 4 year old. However my kids aren't the adventurous type. They have a slide at this pool and both of my kids avoid it like the plague. I don't get it. I thought kids were supposed to love the pool. Whatever. Youth is wasted on the young.

After the pool, we came back home and tried to de-dog hair the house. I'm watching Angie's kids in the morning and I wanted to make an effort. I didn't do much because we're in the middle of gutting the house and this place is a friggen mess but I at least wanted to try. They'll be here at 8ish, which is way before my daughter gets up so it will be interesting to see how that works out. My guess is that she'll be up as soon as she hears voices. She likes to lay in the floor in front of her door and kick the door until she drives me so crazy that I leap through the door as my head explodes.

I also finished a project today that I've been working on. I'll take photos of it tomorrow. I wanted to hang it up tonight and snap a few but it's too late tonight as River is in bed and it goes in her room.

So the day was going good, and then I checked my email. Someone I went to high school started a Facebook Page entitled "You know you went to {enter the name of my high school here} if." I joined the group thinking it would be kinda funny and there were times that it was but when I got back from the pool I had almost 400 emails from people commenting on that damn page. It would be one thing if I knew all these people but while they all went to my HS, many were there at different times. What the hell do I care what someone who graduated in 2002 has to say? Needless to say, I had to change my settings so I only get something now if someone I actually like posts something. I mean I didn't really even like high school!

Good day, up until I had to send Owen to his room for no other reason than he was being an asshole. Looking back, he was over the top whinny all day so by the time I sent him to his room, I was over it. I could tell because when my husband walked in the door from work not 5 minutes later and left his shoes in the middle of the room while I was vacuuming, I was out for blood. I mean, who does that? It's the equivalent of shitting on the toilet seat and leaving it. WTF?

This is me today with River in the pool. She's watching the other kids go down the slide while clinging to my suit for dear life. Good times.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-07T22:14:00.003-04:00

Owen's last swim lesson was this morning. I'll sign him up for more but I need to find a good teacher first as the one we just had is leaving. Actually, today was her last day. It isn't that he's afraid of the water, he's just not a fan of doing what he's told in water. He's better if he's comfortable in the pool in that it's a pool he knows he can touch the bottom and he's spent a lot of time in but he is pure misery in a lesson. No idea where he gets that from.

Anyhoo, we hung out after because our friends were there as well. I even went down the slide a few times which I swear feels like 3rd grade. We also bought tickets to movie night which is coming up soon. Movie night in the pool sounds good.

I got this waterproof camera last year for my birthday and I've used the hell out of it. I love taking photos of the kids at the pool and underwater. It can go up to 9 ft underwater which is more than enough for me. Sine I don't know how to swim, if any camera of mine is 9 ft underwater it's because I dropped it or I'm dead.

We came home and did more gutting where I found another personality test. Good times. This one was both worse and more accurate. Class A personality. Who saw that coming?

So, this is me today, underwater and clearly in desperate need of a pedicure. I also need my hair cut and coloured. I'm a big ole' mess. If I were a dog, I'd take me out back and shoot me but my last haircut was soooo good that I know this girl is going to fuck it up. You can't get the best haircut ever and then look forward to someone else having to do it next time but I've got to motor or people will think I'm part skunk.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-06T22:57:00.004-04:00

We spent the better part of the day gutting our house of unnecessary shit. When I say "gutting" what I really mean is "pulling it out of it's hiding place and creating a dangerous mound of shit we don't need or want in the middle of our basement floor." What we'll do with all of it remains uncertain. I think it would be good to have a yard sale on a Saturday and then FreeCycle the rest, but it won't be next weekend because somebody's got a birthday! I just need it gone. It is a mountain of stress that I don't need.

In truth, we didn't leave the house today, but that was the plan. We knew we were cleaning this weekend so we dug in. If you come in our house right now, it looks like a bomb of shit hit it. You would think we accomplished nothing, but that just isn't so. I mean how often do you come across your college ID and hear your husband tell you that you looked like cheap prostitute? I disagreed completely. I mean it was waaaayyy before I discovered tweezers and I had those big ass "round the way girl" earring on but I wouldn't go so far as to say I looked cheap. As if that wasn't enough we came across a personality test I was given when I was hired for a job back in the 90s. Reading this now is even funnier because the toolbox that gave it to me, lost his company in the shitty housing market. He's just a regular broker now and occasionally I see his photo when I need to cover something while I'm spray painting it. Total tool. Anyhoo, the personality test mentions things like "moderately compassionate," "ruthless," "very impatient," "in your face." However, these were my personal favorites:

"Michelle is extremely self confident, and unless humility has been learned, she may appear cocky and arrogant to others, especially if they have a much lower level of self confidence themselves." (That's my fault? Grow a fucking pair!)

"Michelle is very intolerant of people she believes are not trying hard enough to do or understand something." (Umm...yeah. Why not? If we all did that, there would be less lazy, stupid people. Am I missing something?)...it continues, "Michelle will expect everyone around her to take responsibility for their own actions, and if they don't, they will be reminded frequently in not to subtle ways." (GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING YOU WORTHLESS FUCK! Subtle enough?)

"Michelle will not take much abuse from others and may have a temper." (Well wouldn't you if ppl were trying to abuse you?)

"Michelle is not what one would consider an Introvert." (That one just made me giggle)

"Michelle has a tendency to be inflexible at times." (Again, I giggle)

Seriously, I'd question how I got the job if most Realtors weren't assholes.

Ahhhh, I'm so glad this paper survived in the pit of my house for five years and through at least three moves. That's more than I can say for the company that gave it to me....(again, I giggle.)

This is me today, not getting dressed or leaving the house and surrounded by a room full of crap I can't wait to get rid of....except for this groovy personality test. If I could, I'd make earrings out of it.

Seriously, it's like reading fucking Twilight! I just CAN NOT put it down! It's a page turner!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-05T22:25:00.004-04:00

Today was better. I finally gave in and filled my prescription. I hate being sick and I really hate being sick during the worst possible month of the year. I was sick on day 1 and it just infuriates me. Not to mention that my baby fell and cracked her mouth on a table and has the worst swelling I've seen from my children. She woke up this morning looking like Angelina Jolie.

Poor thing! She woke up this morning patting it and an hour later she was laughing and giggling. She's so much more mature than me. I would have been bitching up a storm at that monstrosity on my lip. I just hope it disappears quickly cause she's way to pretty for than nonsense.

My husband and I are taking the weekend to do some cleaning (gutting) of our home because it is a shitstorm of crap we don't need. Four people should be able to fit in this house. Yard sale here we come!

On a total sidenote, I'm so glad I don't hate my new fence in photos like I thought I would. The old dirty rustic one looked better, but I'm finding ways to like this brand spankin' new clean one.

So, this is me today. Rockin out my 8 MP Droid X!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-04T16:20:00.006-04:00

We finally did it. We left the house! It seems like it's been forever but today we loaded up and met a friend for lunch at Chick fil A. Eat AND play! talk about a win win and River didn't even refuse to come down this time!

I just wanted them to play with their friends. It isn't fair that they've been stuck in the house for so long while I've been sick. They were like wild monkeys today. Owen stole a chocolate milk from another little girl. River horked chicken nugget after chicken nugget. You'd think I never feed them but they eat like wild animals.

We saw Michelle and her son Nathan. I was there when he was born so he's special. Total sweetness. I think he looks like a tiny old man. I don't know what he'll look like when he's 20, but I totally can see him at 60. Makes me giggle.

After that we went to Walmart to get dog food, always an adventure. It's the only place that makes me feel clean even if I haven't showered all day. Good prices but that place really is the armpit of America. Poor Sam must be rolling over in his grave.

We had a pretty good day. I played with the kids outside and Owen only flung River into one pile of dog shit so I guess that's good. Of course as we were getting Owen ready for swim lessons River somehow fell and his fer face on the table. There was so much blood that I thought she lost a tooth but she didn't. She just busted her lip against a tooth. She bled so bad that she ruined the shirt she was wearing and blood starting coming out of her nose. Good times. What's a Thursday without a threat of Urgent Care?

This is me, today, hanging my camera from the fence and hoping the wrap around tripod holds.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-03T21:58:00.002-04:00

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I had a great day planned when I went to bed last night. The kids and I were going to get up and get into some trouble today. We've all kind been in a holding patten since I've been sick for an eternity so I wanted to get them out of the house and at least go to the park. It wasn't Africa hot outside today so it would have been perfect. Then I discovered I have thrush. Yay! You gotta love antibiotics!

Anyhoo, I took this photo very early this morning about the time I realized my throat and mouth hurt so much that I couldn't open wide enough to brush my teeth. Good times. If I look pissed, it's because I was/am, but what can you do?

Tomorrow will be different. I washed my hair tonight so that's one thing I don't have smacking me in the face in the morning. Little things like that can kick your ass when you don't feel good. Tomorrow, we're going to get up and do something. I will consider myself a failure if I have nothing better than a photo of me standing in the doorway of my own house tomorrow.

So, this is me, today, feeling like someone beat me in my sleep. Whatever. Sense of humor still intact...check!

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-02T21:44:00.004-04:00

It's hot as balls out these days. It may even seem hotter because I'm still sick. I like to bitch when I'm sick and there was no stopping me today. I was able to tolerate the heat for about 10 minutes in order to get this photo of the sky that I thought looked beautiful and let my son play around a little bit so he doesn't get rickets. Poor thing, he's trapped inside with me for days.

I plan to try my best to get us out tomorrow and maybe find some trouble while not breathing on others. I'll let you know how that goes. I just know if I see anymore of that fucking Caillou I am going to slit my wrists. I'm seriously considering banning that little fucker from our home.

This is me, today. My feet anyway.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Deux

2011-08-01T15:46:00.003-04:00

Day one. Yeah, I feel like shit. I had strep last week and as soon as I finished the antibiotics, I started feeling like shit again. Needless to say, we're trapped in the house until I feel better. So, once I put River down for a nap, Owen and I headed into the back yard to water my herbs and let him throw water everywhere, his favorite pastime.

I hadn't intended to take this photo but Owen was being to sweet that I asked for a kiss and I took it while balancing the camera in my left hand while trying not to pass on my sickness by not breathing. Good stuff.

So, this is me today. Feeling like shit but hanging out with my baby.

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures! Part Deux

2011-07-31T21:31:00.016-04:00

Last year I turned 40 and for my 40th Birthday, I decided to do a self portrait challenge. I loved it and hated it so much that I decided to make it an annual event. 31 pictures in 31 days is harder than you might think. Last year the hurdle was that my Nikon was in the shop so I had to use my point and shoot for the first part of the challenge. This year, I'm pretty sure I still have strep throat so I'm starting out sick...nice.

BUT, I'm going to do it anyway because I had fun with it last year and I was happy with the photos I was left with. It's nice being represented in the family photo albums for a change.

Today is the first day in my birthday month so I'm starting today. I mean everyday is a celebration of me but I step it up on my birthday. Why shouldn't I?

A photo a day for 31 days. One photo of myself, every single day for the entire month of August. It isn't as easy as it sounds but I think it will be easier than it was last year. Since last year's challenge, I've taken photos of myself often. I'd never done that before. So, maybe I learned something which isn't generally my way. I'm sure stranger things have happened. We'll see.

I don't promise make-up or smiles, nice clothes or brushed hair, shoes or even pants, but I promise to post a photo everyday, no matter what my state. They say getting to know yourself better is a good thing and since I already think my shit doesn't stink, I should be head over heels with myself by the end of the month!

Maybe I can get a photo of me killing those fucking ants.

ANTS!

2011-07-31T09:14:00.010-04:00

We have ants. Not the cute ants from Sesame Street that carry the picnic basket away and everyone laughs, but the kind that get into your pantry and get stuck and die on the outside of the honey jar. Sigh.....it's just gross.

They are vile. Ever since I spotted the first one, I've been constantly itchy. I will find myself in Giant and turn my head to look at something over my shoulder and I'll freak out thinking I see an ant on my shoulder. I'll jump and yell in the middle of the soup isle only to discover that it's the same freckle I've had on my shoulder since I was 12.

I don't know what to do about them. I emptied the pantry and tossed everything that wasn't on lockdown (including a few cans of shit with a 2008 expiration date, WTF???) and sanitized the whole thing. I also did the same to almost every area in the kitchen, but still, those fuckers find their way in. I kill them daily. I take pleasure in it at this point. I find myself in the kitchen yelling at them before sending them to their death. I scream at them like they can hear me "Enjoy my crumbs with one eye, fucker!" or "Here you go asshat, a brain injury. Take that!" before I squash them with my thumb.

Did you know that for every person on the planet, there are at least 1.5 million ants? That kind of shit keeps me up at night in nightmares where those fuckers crawl through my mouth and down my throat. 1.5 million means that I have A LOT of smooshing to do. Ants also have the biggest brains of all insects so that explains the wetness on my finger as their heads explode. Pamela Anderson would be so proud. She'd probably prefer I gave them Hepatitis-C and called it a day. I just don't want these fuckers forming a colony and stealing my shit. I was pissed when I found them in the sugar but if I see those assholes carrying my iPod out of the house, I will be livid!

I Want to Kill This Bastard!

2011-07-23T17:36:00.005-04:00

I understand that the planet needs hot days, just like it needs cold ones. I get it, really I do but wanting to kill yourself rather than go to your car to retrieve a Target bag is too much. This kind of heat reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode where the sun had moved too close to the earth. What a fucking nightmare!

It was Africa hot yesterday. How people live like that I will never know. It's one of the reasons I moved out of the south (there were many) and apparently it followed me. Yes, this is technically the South but you only think that if you've never been to Alabama where they're still a pickin' and a grinin'.

It's been so hot that it feels wet and today is just as bad. We're all bitching at each other and God forbid anyone touches me. My son put his hand on my arm during lunch and I thought I was going to start spinning until I busted a Michelle shaped hole in the wall on my fast retreat to the pool.

I'd sick his brother on him, but between you and me, I think the Snow Miser is a pussy.

Also, my favorite train wreck died. Not a good day. I was looking forward to her new CD..., had she put the pipe down long enough to make one.

A Good Week

2011-07-12T18:32:00.068-04:00

We had a really good week, the kids and I. Owen had summer camp and it's a little over an hour away. It was the perfect choice as far as camps go. I thought I'd regret it or at least have a really shitty week being all the way out there in what felt like the middle of nowhere but I worked it out. On Owen's first day of camp River and I discovered a Welcome Center and found tons of stuff to do in Calvert County. I know, I know, I didn't know there was anything fun there either but it only took one day for River and I to get tired of Starbucks and a super Walmart, that wasn't so super.

Anyhoo, after we dropped Owen off at camp and he hugged River goodbye, we found all kinds of fun stuff to do. We went to a library Storytime and then on to a weird Swamp Sanctuary. It was free and River basically just ran around acting like she was going to jump in. She likes watching me get annoyed. River and I packed lots of fun stuff into three hours every day and then once we picked Owen up, he generally went to Chesapeake Beach where they have a train museum and an actual beach that you can pay to go on.

We had to wait in the crazy heat for the museum to open.

While I'm over the whole train thing, Owen loved the museum and again, it was free. It was once an actual train station and they had lots of old toy trains and Owen thought it was really cool. There was a lady dressed like a Mennonite inside and she knew so much about the train museum that it was a little creepy, almost like she was there in it's heyday. The beach took them some time to warm up to as they aren't big on the ocean but I forced them. Seriously, this was more like a big dirty pool than anything they'd ever seen of the ocean. It was way too hot most of the week to just eyeball the ocean from the sand that felt like we were standing in hell.

I have no idea why this is my kid's favorite part of going to the beach.

So, Owen loved camp and loved the stuff we did after camps. They have a pool so he swam there and then after we went to the beach and spent 3 hours hanging out in the water and playing on the sand, where they have a big wooden ship the kids could climb through. However, I noticed that there are assholes in Calvert County as well as any place else. Maybe I just bring out the worst in people, I can admit that but River and I stopped to get gas at an Exxon and I had to go to the bathroom, not so shocking to anyone who knows me. As I am pumping gas, I go in to ask about the bathroom and a man comes up to us and leans into me, across River. He doesn't bump her, but touches her with his bare leg and he starts to ask me for money, for gas I'm assuming. He had one of those small red gas cans in his hand. He didn't really get a chance to finish because I lost it a bit. He never acknowledged that he was all up on her. He looked down at her when I started yelling but that was more the look of shock at the mouth on this lady with a kid.

My response was a kin to "Stop! You're making me uncomfortable!' which I think would have been totally appropriate but when someone approaches a woman alone at a gas station with her kid, I think menacing is the way to go. "Back the fuck up! I don't care if you haven't eaten in 6 months, get the fuck away from my daughter!" was the response I chose. It worked as he walked away from the Exxon with no gas and without asking anyone else. Now I know he was probably doing the "I need gas" scam that I've seen at other gas stations but you just don't get that close to someones kid, not if you want your nuts to remain on the outside of your body. Not every chick is timid and easily intimidated. Looking back, he was clearly trying to act crazy to scare me but I see your crazy and raise you bat shit crazy. Trumped. I win.

I'll be honest, that incident flustered me. I got the shakes and my heart was racing. It's amazing what adrenaline will do for you. I was so heated afterwards that River and I changed our plans and hing out in the coolness of the car for a while. It's been hot as balls for most of the week so I didn't want to be as annoyed as I was and then add the heat to it. A book store would have been perfect, if there were one anywhere in Calvert County. I would even have settled for a Barnes and Noble, but nothing.

We picked up Owen and drove the 5 miles to Chesapeake Beach, changed into our swimsuits in the car (ghetto style), paid the fee and went to the beach on at least three occasions. The photo above is the big boat in the sand where the kids could play and they did that for a while until even they were forced to admit that standing in that sand was like standing on the tip of the friggen sun! That sand was all kinds of hot and I couldn't stand it. We all kept our shoes on but you could still feel it, sneaking around the soles of our sandals, mocking us. Also, I think that boat was supposed to be the Arc, judging by the giganto unnecessary cross. I've got to pay to get on your beach and you shove a cross in the face of my children? Nice. Can't it just be a boat? Why must it the THE Arc? Separation of church and beach! I mean look at the size of that cross!

Everyday after we dropped Owen off at camp, River and I headed to Chesapeake Beach and walked the boardwalk. It wasn't easy at first because it was well into the 90s and having sweat drop down my back while fully clothed isn't what I do for fun. It didn't seem to bother River which I don't understand but it was tough on me. Towards the end of the week it got easier when the weather finally broke. Thursday and Friday is was 80 degrees and walking the boardwalk was really enjoyable. River and I were able to take lots of photos of the water, the beach, the boardwalk and of course her. So much easier when your camera isn't fogging up.

It was certainly a good week for Momma and River time!

One thing I noticed on our daily trips up and down the boardwalk were the benches that lined the way. I didn't start reading the plaques that were placed at the top of each one until at least the second day. I think when you walk down a boardwalk it's natural to look the other way, but as I started reading them I noticed that there were quite a few in memory of someone who died on September 11th. I mean all but one were in memory of someone who died but I was surprised so many were from 9/11. It made me go back and read each one. I took photos of several and Googled a lot of the names. I thought they would all be from that small town but they weren't. They were from Columbia, Alexandria, lots of places. I found terribly sad stories of people who died too young, most working at the Pentagon. Probably the wost was the guy who died before his daughter was even born. Tragic.

One of the things I loved the most about the week was how pretty and green everything is out there. I mean you give up things for that kind of living like a real bookstore but it was nice while we were there. We passed this beautiful field of sunflowers every morning and I loved it.

It made me buy these for myself when we got home.

Also, an hour in the car each way for five days meant a lot of Johnny Flynn. Win, win!

It was a good week.

Johnny Flynn ~ The Wrote & The Writ

2011-07-04T09:30:00.002-04:00

My favorite song. It is impossible for me to listen to this and not be moved by it. I think I actually like it better when he plays it by himself than with the band, although it's excellent both ways.