Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I'm Too Pretty to Work

An annoying conversation with my three year old daughter:

“Before anyone plays with anything, I need you both to pick all this crap up out of the sunroom.”

Moments pass….

“Momma, River isn’t helping!”

“River, are you helping your brother clean up your toys?”



“Because Owen can do it.”

“That isn’t the point. You helped make the mess, you help clean it up.”

“Why if Owen can do it?”

“Because I said so! Now clean up this crap or I’m throwing it out and you’re going to your room!”

“OK, I will go to my room and come out when Owen is finished cleaning.”

“That isn’t how it works. If you go to time out, your toys are going into the trash.”

Insert fake cry here…..“I want my toys.”

“Then clean them up and put them in your room!”

“But I shouldn’t have to clean. I’m just a little girl.”

“What the fu@k?” Yes, I said this in my sheer astonishment. “Who told you girls don’t clean?”

Shrugging of shoulders. That means she made it up. “River, if I have to ask you one more time to clean this crap up, you are in time out and I am throwing your toys away.”

Minutes pass, “Momma, River is just eating Goldfish and not helping!”

I think this is where my head exploded. A, I didn’t give her Goldfish, she horked them when I snuck off to pee alone. B, she hasn’t picked up one friggen thing!

“River, time out, NOW!”

“But Momma, I want my toys!”

“Kickin’ yourself now, aren’t ya?”

It’s been fifteen minutes and my daughter is still yelling for her toys which are now sitting on the deck in a trash bag. I won’t throw them out because Strawberry Shortcake toys are expensive but I will be dipped in shit before I give them to her before she has earned them back. I’m breaking hard core on her attitude. I’m okay if my kids have a little bit of asshole in them because I think it serves you well but I need to teach them how to channel it and use it for good. Clearly I’m going about it all wrong if my daughter thinks she can tell me that little girls don’t clean.

Have I taught her nothing?  Does my daughter really think she can win a bottle of wills, with me?  It's never too early for a good life lesson.

This is the speech I gave her before I slammed the door, locking her into her room like the Cinderella she portrays.

“River, everybody cleans. Boys clean, girls clean, Momma cleans and Daddy cleans. But I’m not throwing your toys away because you think you don’t have to clean. I’m throwing your toys away because you think its okay for someone else to do everything for you. Well it isn’t! Not in this house!

If you think you’ll get through life waiting for someone else to do everything for you, your twenties are going to be very long! No one does for you until you do for yourself and if you think I’m going to wipe your ass for the rest of your life, you’re delusional!

It’s nice to be cute but there is nothing worse than a cute girl who thinks she’s above it all just because she’s cute. Cute is a four letter word and it means nothing if you’re a total asshole.

I love you but CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM!”

Here's the funny part, she's in her room yelling "But momma, I want to listen to Johnny Flynn!"  She's totally trying to butter me up so I will let her out.  She yelled it over and over until I finally yelled back.  "I can listen to Johnny Flynn without you!  I hear he doesn't like little girls who don't listen to their mommas!"  Then I just cranked up Been Listening to drown her out.

Too much?

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