Monday, March 26, 2012

Babies, Chocolate Covered Strawberries & Menstral Belts!

...and NOT in that order.

My friend Karen is having baby number two so her family and friends threw her a Baby Sprinkle Lunch on base in Virginia. I drove in from Maryland to Ft. Belvoir so it took me a while but it was an easy drive. This is the only time I've driven to or from Northern Virginia alone and it didn't take four hours. I get lost every time and since my GPS makes bad decisions, I usually end up in China as opposed to anywhere near where I live but this time was different.

I left early knowing I could get lost going down a one way street and I would have gotten there early had it not been for the man trying to keep me down. Yes, pulled over on base. Thirty nine in a twenty five. In my defence, I'm a shitty driver and I was lost to boot. Also, fifteen MPH on base? Seriously? Get over yourselves! My kids are just as important and I don't make people coast through my neighborhood! Get a friggen speed bump and let me go at least twenty, or in my case thirty nine. But I digress.....

It was nice to see friends I never get to see. I don't know what it is about my kids but if I have something scheduled, one or both of them starts coughing the day before and throws up in my hair the night before. I don't get it. River is never sick but it's like she has a weird sense that something is coming. If I didn't know better, I'd think she crammed her little tiny fingers down her throat for attention. It's the weirdest thing. BUT, I made it this time. I got an hour in the car alone with Johnny Flynn, which is never a bad thing. An hour and 10 minutes if you count the time it took the copper to write up my warning as I took photos of him in my rear view mirror. It's nice to be reminded of what my accent can do when I whip it out at my leisure.

There were eleven of us which was nice. Not to big, not too small. Small enough that the majority of us could talk without having to shout. There was also a buffet. Now when I hear the word "buffet" I immediately think hard beef, warm beets and crusty potatoes. It wasn't like that at all. It was actually really good! I mean two kinds of salmon? Hello? It's like they knew I was coming. No one ever has smoked salmon! I dream of it! I wanted to buy it something pretty and get it drunk before begging it to come home with me. It's my favorite!

They also had chocolate covered strawberries. As a diabetic, this is a nightmare so I had three. I'm not a huge fan of chocolate but they had white chocolate with raspberry sauce! What, am I a machine? I had to have them! I'm shocked I didn't take a picture of it. At one point I actually used my spoon to get some of the sauce I missed. So ghetto.

Now when you get a bunch a women together, at some point, our conversations turn to our periods. Don't even ask me how this happens but it does. I guess every one's first period is different but I had no idea some people got jewelry and flowers. WTF? All I got was a ruined pair of shirts and advice and by advice I mean this, Momma turned to me and said "You know this means you can get pregnant now?" and she shook her head from side to side. No shit! Like my knocked up 16 year old sister wasn't a tip off. Watching that bitch pregnant for nine months made me not even attempt it until I was 36, so yeah, I learned from that, even if she didn't.

I started out with pads because that's what we had in the house. What a nightmare. No wings, no sticky side. That's just fucking barbaric! It was like I got my period in 1954! How could so little progress happen from 1954 to 1981ish? I mean someone couldn't have invented a sticky pad before then? What were all they doing? We had Pong for God's sake but not a pad that would stick to my underwear? I blame Ronald Reagan.

Now I don't remember this and it may be because I blocked it out. I've heard of them, I just don't remember wearing one. A girl there told us about these menstrual belts. She must be my age so I don't know why I didn't have one. Apparently her mother sent away for a kit. I certainly remember looking for my pad and it was deep up the crack of my ass so perhaps I could have used one but they didn't look like this. It was basically a piece of elastic in belt form with two rustable hooks coming down to clamp on the end of each pad. Seriously, how did any of us survive the 70s?

Also, these are on sale on Ebay. Yes, I'm serious. In the title is the word SEXY. WTF? Someone please tell me what is sexy about someone having a pad up their ass? I beg you to click on the link bellow and see this monstrosity for yourself....and it's $24!!!!!!


Total side note but in my research on the belt I read some stuff on the sanitary napkin. Interesting stuff. Who knew Ben Franklin was involved? RANDOM

Anyhoo, I had a good time. Lots of babies (not mine) on the horizon, which is always fun. I also got off base (warning in hand) without being profiled as a horrible driver.

Erinne & Karen:

"Lovely lady lumps....check it out....."

In honor of their lady lumps:

Valerie, Karen & Ms. Wells

Me & Karen, because I'm never in the photos.

This was a total knock on me, but I let it slide.......

I can't imagine any way to spend a more fun Sunday afternoon than sliding past the innards of a polar bear into a freezing mass of dirty pool water. Good times. Someone didn't think this thing through. Is it giving birth?

I apparently wasn't the only one who had a great time. Wendy's toes are totally curled....

What I learned on a Sunday afternoon;

You CAN eat your weight in salmon.

Don't turn around or you'll be staring into the brown eye of a polar bear.

Be more specific when you hand someone your camera.

My first period could have been way more interesting and my daughter's will be.

My red shoes kick ass.

Keep an eye on Wendy's feet because that's when you know the fun has started.

1 comment:

  1. 1. MP's on base. They will get you everytime!! I love that a TN accent can get you a warning though. May keep that one in my back pocket!

    2. Still cracking up about making love to the salmon!

    3. The strawberries. I thought to myself...isnt she a diabetic- maybe I should cut her off! Actually- now that I think about it- I gave you one.. Damn- Im an enabler!!

    4. The belt! That is straptastic!!!
    To think someone is actually walking around with one of those now! At $24, there is quite a profit margin....I may look into selling them myself!

    5. I want to go on record and say the thumb thing was not a knock on you. A total compliment actually! We pay attention and are actually disappointed when we dont get a thumbs up!! No Michelle seal of approval = no good!

    6. The pool was disgusting! I thought to myself a few times why wasnt it drained for winter??!! And no thank you- I do not want to be in the belly of the bear!

    7. I knew that man would NOT take a picture you were to going to approve of! He didnt have a chance from the get go!!

    8. I so got jipped on my first period. I got NOTHING......I want a do-over!!!!

    9. My toes! Girl, that is how a short girl reaches the floor. You wouldnt know anything about that!!! LOL

    10. And Last but NOT least......
    Your Red shoes DID kick ass!!! ;o)