Monday, March 26, 2012

Babies, Chocolate Covered Strawberries & Menstral Belts!

...and NOT in that order.

My friend Karen is having baby number two so her family and friends threw her a Baby Sprinkle Lunch on base in Virginia. I drove in from Maryland to Ft. Belvoir so it took me a while but it was an easy drive. This is the only time I've driven to or from Northern Virginia alone and it didn't take four hours. I get lost every time and since my GPS makes bad decisions, I usually end up in China as opposed to anywhere near where I live but this time was different.

I left early knowing I could get lost going down a one way street and I would have gotten there early had it not been for the man trying to keep me down. Yes, pulled over on base. Thirty nine in a twenty five. In my defence, I'm a shitty driver and I was lost to boot. Also, fifteen MPH on base? Seriously? Get over yourselves! My kids are just as important and I don't make people coast through my neighborhood! Get a friggen speed bump and let me go at least twenty, or in my case thirty nine. But I digress.....

It was nice to see friends I never get to see. I don't know what it is about my kids but if I have something scheduled, one or both of them starts coughing the day before and throws up in my hair the night before. I don't get it. River is never sick but it's like she has a weird sense that something is coming. If I didn't know better, I'd think she crammed her little tiny fingers down her throat for attention. It's the weirdest thing. BUT, I made it this time. I got an hour in the car alone with Johnny Flynn, which is never a bad thing. An hour and 10 minutes if you count the time it took the copper to write up my warning as I took photos of him in my rear view mirror. It's nice to be reminded of what my accent can do when I whip it out at my leisure.

There were eleven of us which was nice. Not to big, not too small. Small enough that the majority of us could talk without having to shout. There was also a buffet. Now when I hear the word "buffet" I immediately think hard beef, warm beets and crusty potatoes. It wasn't like that at all. It was actually really good! I mean two kinds of salmon? Hello? It's like they knew I was coming. No one ever has smoked salmon! I dream of it! I wanted to buy it something pretty and get it drunk before begging it to come home with me. It's my favorite!

They also had chocolate covered strawberries. As a diabetic, this is a nightmare so I had three. I'm not a huge fan of chocolate but they had white chocolate with raspberry sauce! What, am I a machine? I had to have them! I'm shocked I didn't take a picture of it. At one point I actually used my spoon to get some of the sauce I missed. So ghetto.

Now when you get a bunch a women together, at some point, our conversations turn to our periods. Don't even ask me how this happens but it does. I guess every one's first period is different but I had no idea some people got jewelry and flowers. WTF? All I got was a ruined pair of shirts and advice and by advice I mean this, Momma turned to me and said "You know this means you can get pregnant now?" and she shook her head from side to side. No shit! Like my knocked up 16 year old sister wasn't a tip off. Watching that bitch pregnant for nine months made me not even attempt it until I was 36, so yeah, I learned from that, even if she didn't.

I started out with pads because that's what we had in the house. What a nightmare. No wings, no sticky side. That's just fucking barbaric! It was like I got my period in 1954! How could so little progress happen from 1954 to 1981ish? I mean someone couldn't have invented a sticky pad before then? What were all they doing? We had Pong for God's sake but not a pad that would stick to my underwear? I blame Ronald Reagan.

Now I don't remember this and it may be because I blocked it out. I've heard of them, I just don't remember wearing one. A girl there told us about these menstrual belts. She must be my age so I don't know why I didn't have one. Apparently her mother sent away for a kit. I certainly remember looking for my pad and it was deep up the crack of my ass so perhaps I could have used one but they didn't look like this. It was basically a piece of elastic in belt form with two rustable hooks coming down to clamp on the end of each pad. Seriously, how did any of us survive the 70s?

Also, these are on sale on Ebay. Yes, I'm serious. In the title is the word SEXY. WTF? Someone please tell me what is sexy about someone having a pad up their ass? I beg you to click on the link bellow and see this monstrosity for yourself....and it's $24!!!!!!


Total side note but in my research on the belt I read some stuff on the sanitary napkin. Interesting stuff. Who knew Ben Franklin was involved? RANDOM

Anyhoo, I had a good time. Lots of babies (not mine) on the horizon, which is always fun. I also got off base (warning in hand) without being profiled as a horrible driver.

Erinne & Karen:

"Lovely lady lumps....check it out....."

In honor of their lady lumps:

Valerie, Karen & Ms. Wells

Me & Karen, because I'm never in the photos.

This was a total knock on me, but I let it slide.......

I can't imagine any way to spend a more fun Sunday afternoon than sliding past the innards of a polar bear into a freezing mass of dirty pool water. Good times. Someone didn't think this thing through. Is it giving birth?

I apparently wasn't the only one who had a great time. Wendy's toes are totally curled....

What I learned on a Sunday afternoon;

You CAN eat your weight in salmon.

Don't turn around or you'll be staring into the brown eye of a polar bear.

Be more specific when you hand someone your camera.

My first period could have been way more interesting and my daughter's will be.

My red shoes kick ass.

Keep an eye on Wendy's feet because that's when you know the fun has started.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Took My Kids to Their First Protest Rally!

It's kinda sad that five people standing in the middle of the street holding hateful signs and yelling hateful things can garnish this much attention, but I couldn't in good conscience let it go by unnoticed. It's always easier to stay at home and sit on your ass and do nothing as people continue to spread hate in the name of religion. I'm just so tired of it.

I could see the police helicopter from my house as I loaded the kids into the car. But I didn't let it deter me. I wasn't the least bit afraid. Today was the day that I put my money where my mouth is. As I always said I would, today I strapped my daughter to my back and held my son's hand as I took them to Glen Burnie High School in Maryland to stand with others in a counter protest against the Westboro Baptist Church. I'll be honest, I had to Google the address because I had no idea where the high school was. I have a friend that is a teacher there but I've never been there.

When we pulled up, I was surprised at how many people were in the street. I'm not sure what I expected but so many people both young and old wasn't it. I didn't expect a local church to park their bus across the street with a sign of support taped to the side while they handed out bottled water and fruit snacks to my children. I didn't expect someone to walk around with rainbow, gay pride cookies and offer them to my children. I feel like I got more than I expected and that's nice. Also, the police were out in force so if you didn't rob a bank today in Glen Burnie, you totally missed your opportunity.

I also didn't expect the S.W.A.T. team on the roof, but that's what we got.

The S.W.A.T. team was rolling in as we walked up the street to the front of the school.

Me taking the kids wasn't a popular decision. I understand why, I just disagreed with it. I think it's never too early to teach your children about hate and intolerance and I want my kids to understand from a very early age what we as good people will tolerate. Hate is everywhere and I could have shielded my kids from the bad words we heard today but it wouldn't have helped them grow at all. Those words are still there and it does them no good if I hide them from such filth and hate. I want them to know that some things are worth fighting for and the mistreatment of others is one of those things. I want them to know that the same people who hold these terrible signs and spew this hate are the same people who told black people to sit in the back of the bus and the same people that if they were in other countries, would have bombs strapped to their backs. It's all the same hate. They may not understand it now but in my hopes of raising my babies to be good people, I want them to look back on this some day and understand what we did was important. We didn't need to wave a sign or scream at idiots for it to matter. It mattered just that we were there.

Besides taking my kids with me, perhaps the best part of the day was seeing all of these young gay people who are so proud and so kind. I mean that's what I want for my kids. If this hate weren't so sad, it would be comical. These are wonderful people who are hated by people that don't even know them. It's a tragedy. Small mindness, bigotry stupidity and hatred are always a tragedy.

I don't know who they were but a motorcycle club rode up and down the street, directly in front of the protesters the entire time we were there. When they got directly in front of the protesters, they revered their engines so loud that you couldn't hear them. When they did that, everyone cheered so loud that it gave me goose bumps. It was also nice to see the staff, including the principal stand out in front of the school after classes were dismissed, all in red.

Here are some of the fun people and fun signs they made:

Jesus was there!

So, long story short, I could do this everyday. These people were awesome and if you ever want to have a good time, go to a gay party because these people fucking rock! Total side note, one of the protesters had a sign that read "You Eat Your Kids." I don't know what that angry hater was talking about. We had toast for breakfast and as far as what my kids ate today, they stood right by me eating gay pride cookies so suck on that biotch!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Johnny Flynn One Off Show on April 1st!!!

Sigh...I just love Johnny Flynn....

I really love him live!!

He's playing a one off show in New York! The show is in Brooklyn, NY on April 1, 2012.

Sun, April 1, 2012
Doors: 8:30 pm / Show: 8:30 pm
Glasslands Gallery
Brooklyn, NY
$10.00 - $12.00

21 and over only.

You can purchase tickets HERE. Get them quick! This show will sell out! I'd be surprised if there are any left tomorrow!

See ya there!!