Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I Love a Heated Hoo-Haa at 10 AM!

I have a lump. I'm not really alarmed by it as I'm sure it's nothing more than scar tissue but it's a lump none the less and I want to find out what it is. I think that's totally fair. I noticed it when I was in Georgia visiting my mother and when I came back I made an appointment with my doctor. They sent me for an ultrasound which I had 4 days or so later. Those results came back as nothing shown. Well, I can feel it, it's tender to the touch and it moved. Those things don't exactly excite me so rather than just assuming it is scar tissue, I decided to dig a little deeper with the suggested CT scan. I got the order from my doctor, looked it over and then walked across the hall and made an appointment at the imaging place. This is the same place where I had my ultrasound done. The women in there are really nice and when I show up without my order, like I did this morning, I can walk across the hall and get another one, which is what I did.

I got the order five days go and got up bright and early to drink that berry flavored jizz they give you. Two HUGE containers of it and I felt like I was going to be sick 3/4 of the way through the first banana favoured jug. It really is just vile. I refuse to believe we can put a man on the moon but we can't make that shit a little less chalky and vomit inducing. I mean how hard it is really? We can "set it and forget it" but we can't create something that I can keep down for longer than thirty minutes? Yeah, I puked today....three times but in my defense, the first time was the berry jizz, the second time was the nurse's fault and the third time was that fucking contrast. Raise your hand if you want to suck on a rusty lead pipe at 10 AM and have your nether regions heated? Nobody, nobody, Bueller, Bueller? Just talking about it makes my stomach sink.

So I drank that shit. At 8 AM I started with the banana jizz. I had asked for berry but they only had one left and banana was my only other option. I thought it would be the worst of the two and I was right. That's the one I threw up first. It tastes the same going both ways. My friend told me they also have a citrus one but I don't think I was ever given that. That seems like it would be a little less vile but I'm not putting any money on that because it's the consistancy that pushes me over the edge.

So I threw up some of the banana, drank as much of the berry one as I could stomach and pored the rest down the toilet. I mean I tried, I really did but once I puke, I'm donesies. The fact that I tried to motor through the berry is a comment on my sticktoitivness because I was frowning on the outside and screaming on the inside, "MAKE IT STOP!"

I got to the imaging place just in time only to find out that I forgot my doctor's order. No worries, I walked across the hall and got another one. I filled out my paper work which asked me if I was Diabetic and taking Metformin. Odd question I thought but I answered yes to both. Then I changed and left my belonging in this little locker with no lock. I kept my phone and little bag with me because God knows I can't have some fool stealing my "I Run with Vampires" bag.

Now this is where it got a little comical. I couldn't eat anything all morning so the only thing I had on my stomach was two huge things of barium and memories of it coming back up. So when I walked into the room for the scan, wrapped in a paper thin baby blue hospital gown, all I wanted to do was lay down. My humor was gone and that's the point when I usually start to go downhill. I'm not afraid of a CT scan but I know how they affect me. I was already nauseous and I knew it would only get worse.

I had almost made it to the table when the lady said, "We'll get this over as soon as possible. I know you've got all that stuff sitting on your stomach." That's all it took. I got a quick visual of that berriliscious jizz sitting on my stomach before exploding up my throat and I barely made it to the trash can.

After I gave them back some of their barium, I apologized to the lady and suggested perhaps she not give a visual where it wasn't really necessary. I understand that wouldn't do that to most people but even one person is too many when you're the one cleaning up the vomit, which she was. She was kind and just not thinking but uuuuggg, bad timing.

So I laid on the table, awaiting my impending rusty lead pipe doom and it came all too soon. I actually gagged a couple of times on the table but was able to suppress it. No idea how as I'm pretty famous for failing at that. I love how they say "OK, here comes the contrast. You'll get the metallic taste in your mouth and then you'll feel the heat. Mostly in your groin." Huh? I'm sure there is a reason it goes straight to your hoo-haa but I don't know what it is. I have a nurse friend. I'll skip over to Facebook and ask her to see if I can get an answer before I finish. I'd really like to know.

After the scan I felt a little dizzy (totally normal for me) so I laid on the table for a while. The nurse took out my IV, and asked me to hold it in the arm while I put pressure on it. Then I hear her say from behind me. "Are you a Ravens fan?" Ugggg, "No." "Well I hope you like purple!" I hate few things more than purple but good God this woman was cheery. So cheery that I wanted to hate her but I just couldn't. She'd cleaned up my vomit after all. We'd bonded.

I picked up my vampire bag, wrapped my floss like gown around my ass, walked down the hallway full of displaced pride and proceeded to puke my guts out in their bathroom that oddly enough smelled like fresh berries. Full circle moment.

I got dressed and the nurse handed me my discharge instructions. Clearly noted "DO NOT TAKE METFORMIN FOR 48 HOURS AFTER SCAN. MUST HAVE BLOOD WORK DONE FIRST." Say What?

I was pissed because that's something my doctor should have told me beforehand. They know I'm diabetic and they sure as shit know what medication I'm on as they make me tell them at the beginning of every visit. So why wouldn't they tell me beforehand so I can talk to my Endocrinologist before my appointment and make a plan? How does it make sense to tell a diabetic she can't take her insulin for at least two days with no clear plan? I like my actual doctor but her office is a clusterfuck. Get it together people! It's ben a while since I left a doctor's office because I hate the doctor but I've left several within recent memory because the office staff couldn't find their ass in a mirror. This is why I would never see a regular doctor about my Diabetes. It's a waste of time and they have no idea how to properly control it. I shared all of this info with the nurse when I walked across the hall to tell them how stupid that was. Her advice on what I should do with at least two days without Diabetes medication? "Check your blood sugar." No shit, really? I hadn't thought of that. She's a fucking genious! Just for shits and giggles I asked "And what do I do if it's high?" I knew she knew nothing about Diabetes but at this point, I just needed a laugh. "You call us." Yeah, that did it. I laughed out loud. Like I'd call that chick who was probably last in her class in nursing school. I feel good about that. She'd probably tell me to drink apple juice.

I'm totally fine with you not knowing what you're talking about as a nurse. Not every nurse knows everything about everything, but say that. Don't blow wind up my ass and give me health advice that could endanger me. Thankfully I take control over my own medical care and con't just do what I'm told and I have an excellent Endocrinologist so I don't plan on letting "Nurse Hasanybodyseenmyass" kill me.

I had to pull over on the side of the road on the way home because I got dizzy again. It took about thirty minutes for it to go away and I'm certain it was because that barium wreaked havoc on my blood sugar. At least it's done. Now I get to harass those people for my results. Wish me luck! If I can't get them, I'll just check my blood sugar. That seems to be the answer for everything.

Also, my nurse friend didn't know the heated hoo-haa answer. I Googled it but couldn't find anything.

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