Thursday, November 17, 2011

Walmart is a Shithole

I wish I just meant that my Walmart is a shithole but sadly, I don't. I mean I think my Walmart is a special case of filth and laziness but all Walmarts suck these days and it's a shame. Poor Sam Walton must be turning in his grave over the crapfest his dream turned into.

Where I live we have a choice of two Walmarts. The newer "Super" Walmart by the airport and the "Armpit" Walmart by my son's school. I'll be honest, neither one of them is great. The one by the airport is better but it's by the airport and that's a bit of a drive from the school. I just didn't want to make a production of the few things we needed. I dropped my son at school this morning and River and I drove to the closer one, knowing ahead of time that it is a big ole' mess. My theory was this; Breaking Dawn is coming out tonight! I'm going to see the midnight showing with a friend and then I'm going to turn around and see it with another friend tomorrow night. Nothing can stop me today. My "Isle Esme" tip top mood can not be broken...right? RIGHT?

We needed dog food. Dog food and a birthday gift for our friend Logan who is turning two today. We're going to his party on Sunday so we've got some time to play with but I wanted to find something good so I'd have it done.

We walked into the building that houses Walmart and River immediately runs to this jet ski ride that I always let her ride when we go. It's only $.50 and she loves it so what the hell? I helped her crawl on top in her kick ass rockstar boots (which are not made for jet skis) and she gets situated. I pulled out my black "I Run with Vampires" case (yeah, I have one) and dug out the two quarters I needed. I dropped the money inside while saying "Now hold on River so it doesn't jerk you" as I put in the last quarter.......nothing. I banged on it a few times....nothing. I checked to make sure it was plugged in...nothing.

"Sorry River, this P.O.S. is broken. I'll get you a treat inside."

"OK, Momma." I helped her down from the faux jet ski, kicked it once with my own boot and we walked into Walmart.

Ummm, nothing like the smell of Marlboro Reds and failure to get the morning going. Now this Walmart really is a treat. It's dirty, it generally smells like stale sausage and the people who work there would rather chew on their own feet than go to work. I know these things before I get there. The reason I go to this one is because it is (or was) a regular Walmart and not a "Super" Walmart. I'm from the south. I remember when Walmarts were still a good place to go. I remember when they were clean and people were proud to work there. Also, because I'm from the south, I know what a real Super Walmart is. It is a gigantic Walmart where a grocery store is added in addition to bigger departments within Walmart. Here (which I understand is technically a southern state because I know where the Mason Dixon is but come on) a "Super" Walmart means they shrink a regular shitty Walmart, delete departments and take things from departments to add a grocery store that carries old fruit and shitty milk. The Walmarts here suck and there is nothing southern about this state and the only people who think that are people who are from here. Not judging, but this ain't the south, that's all I'm sayin'.

So a "Super" Walmart does nothing for me and I know if I want to find something, I have to go to the normal Walmart where they still have shit. At least that was my plan until I discovered they're turning this shitfest into a "Super" Walmart. I mean if a normal Walmart carries fifteen types of laundry detergent and they take away five of those to shrink the department, am I seriously the only one who notices that? Granted, they're not going to get rid of Tide but I don't use Tide so I noticed.

We walk into this Walmart hunting dog food and a birthday gift. Oh, we also needed a Santa hat for daddy. Upon our entrance we had to walk through a Walmart "pep rally." If you 've never seen such a thing, every vision the words conjure up are true. I'm not even going to get into it but it was like walking through a 1970s, really bad movie, complete with rainbow footed socks and horribly fake eyelashes. I'll just leave it right there.

Anyhoo,I went for the Santa hat first because that would be the first thing I'd forget. I found it. $3 and right under the blow up decoration of Santa taking a shit. Total side note but if I drive by your house and I see this shit in your front yard, I am going to pull over, dig my special Eclipse pen from my diaper bag and drive it into that hideous monstrosity. Consider it a gift. I know your neighbors will thank me.

We got the Santa hat and moved onto the dog food. It was easy enough. I mean it was so high on the top shelf that I had to make River hide behind the cart while I knocked five bags onto the floor just to get one. Whateves, I got my dog food. Not very customer friendly but no surprises there. Veruca eats good tonight. Then I moved onto the toys.

Sigh....Walmart is not the place I like to buy toys but I was trying to kill two birds with one stone so I looked around. I found a toy that Owen had when he was younger.

He didn't have the exact one but it was similar and he played with it for ages. I thought Logan would love it so I threw it in the cart. Now we'd probably been in the store for over thirty minutes at this point and on my way to the checkout, I realized I'd forgotten to get him a card. I circled around and searched for the cards that aren't where they used to be because everything is in the process of moving. Even the front door is in a different place and the directionals are so poor that you have no idea where you're going. I find the cards and behind me, this "pep rally" is still going on. Now I have no idea what would take thirty minutes to discuss between these people or why some idiot thought it was a good idea to not only block up the isles with this thirty person gabfest but to block up the front entrance. I mean, really? Think it through people! Do you not have a stockroom? You have to do this where we walk into the store? I guess it makes sense to some people to stand around holding your dick while you're store is falling apart. There was cheering. It really was off putting.

So, I got my card and headed to the checkout after looking for the new Entertainment Weekly that I knew wouldn't be out yet. There were four isles open out of the over more than fifteen or so. Why not? God knows you don't want to break up "Walmart University" in the name of customer service. So, I waited. I was third in line and I wasn't complaining. If you go to Walmart looking for a smile and to get out quickly, you're an idiot.

At some point one of the managers walks by and starts pointing at the customers behind me. There were three and he points at them to go to other registers as opposed to waiting in this longer line. If you've ever been in this particular Walmart, you probably would recognize this guy. He's got the shiniest head you've ever seen and the worst hair plugs. It actually looks like he's got a dark coloured donut under his plugs. Oh wait, was I not supposed to notice that? He's apparently not only a client......

Call me crazy but when new lines open up, doesn't common sense (something else you shouldn't be looking for at Walmart) dictate that you take the first person in line to a newly opened register and not the three people directly behind her? I look at him like "Are you a fucking idiot or what?" because that is exactly what I was thinking and he actually said to me, "Sorry Ma'am, there were no more registers. Without blinking I responded. "No shit, really? You don't say?" Fucking. Moron.

So finally I get to the front of the line and Chainsmoker McCheary checks me out. Brush your hair much? Is there no dress code or hygiene code at Walmart? I'm going with no. I know it's gross but I honestly expect some of these people to be walking around with shit stains in their underpants. Most of them seem so dirty. How does someone not notice this?

When I put the toy I'd gotten for Logan on the counter I realize it's been banged up and scuffed so I don't want it for him. Instead of waiting in the "Customer Service" (another thing not to look for at Walmart) line twice, I go back, get another one and bring it up. Now, the one I am replacing it with is filthy. I mean it looks like it's been sitting outside there is so much dirt on it but it's the kind of dirt I can wipe off whereas the other one was not fixable. I wasn't happy about it but I took it to "Customer Service" anyway to switch it out. They only had two so if I wanted this toy, it was my only option. I'm not even sure these photos show the level of filth on this toy but it really is terrible. There are only two reasons why someone would be proud to work in a store that allows their shit to look like this and that is because you are a buffoon or because you are a buffoon.

Nothing annoys me more than having to walk someone through something. I mean it's not my fault you're stupid. Why should I have to educate you on your own job? It's like me walking up to you and saying, "Do you know how this diaper works?" After being completely ignored by the chick on the left with no teeth, I walk up to the counter and slam the toy down after she starts helping someone who was just walking by. I just start talking. I'm annoyed by this point and I would just like to go home and cleanse my daughter and myself.

Here's the conversation:

Me ~ "I just bought this. It is damaged. I am returning it and buying this dirty one." Straight to the point as not to confuse her.

Stupid McStupidton ~ "You want to do what?"

Me ~ Heavy "Sigh...I am returning this one." Hand on top of the toy. "I am buying this one." Hand on top of other toy so that a goat could understand.

Stupid McStupidton ~ "You want the dirty one?"

Me ~ "Yes, apparently this is the best y'all can do and I can clean this one. I can't meld plastic back together. You take this one." I push it towards her because her ineptitude was wearing on me and the only thing keeping me sane was the vampire sex in my near future. "I am taking this one." I picked up my receipt and I walked away. She said something but unless she wanted to chase me out of the door that I couldn't find, I wasn't going back. As it is, I walked to the wrong end of that vile obstruction of a store and had to turn around and come back, passing Shiny McHairplug on the way out. Thank God my mood wasn't compromised before I got there. These people have Edward Cullen to thank for that. They have no idea! Make fun of Twilight all you want but that shit saved your ass today!

Moment of Zen...Moment of Zen....

........Must move on......

I walked out of Walmart ready to spit fire and I couldn't wait to get out of there. I mean I felt dirty and my dog is going to have to eat something else because I plan to shun that place for a while. Here's the kicker. When I pulled out the toy to look over it's dirtiness, I noticed something. See that empty spot where a car should be? That's where Lightening McQueen goes. HE ISN'T THERE!! I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THAT INBRED CATASTROPHE OF MISSING TEETH, WRANGLERS AND LOVERS OF WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Fuck me. I'm just returning it and doing what I should have done to begin with. I'm going to Target. Those people may be assholes but at least they bathe. Also, I like red.

I feel dirty.


  1. Yuck! My husband hates WalMart but at least the ones near us are all clean and the employees bathe. The next time I drag him there I'll let him know it could be worse!

  2. I work at wm and you are 100% accurate. Love the honesty and thanks for the laughs cause this place is a joke. ;)

  3. Working at Walmart is like going to hell every day and all the employee's hate it and treat each other like crap because of it. Managers are useless.