Monday, September 12, 2011

Unparalleled Guttural Rage

If there's fault to be found in something, I'll find it but days like today that start out crappy and continued on a downward spiral into shitsville make me so angry that I want to gut something. How much shit can happen in one day?

I was doing laundry this weekend and as I turned to leave the laundry room, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I quickly realize it was water dripping from our furnace. With a heavy sigh and the sound of money flying out of the windows in my ear, I turned to my husband and shared the news. He came into the laundry room and opened the cover on the furnace which he found was filled with an inch or two of water. Great. So while it technically isn't broken, it seemed smart to turn it off, suck the water out and call someone to fix it as opposed to pressing our luck and making it worse. So, no air conditioning. Luckily it's only oppressive at night.

My husband and I met some friends out on Saturday night to hear a band and just hang out. We don't get to see them much these days. We got a baby sitter for the kids (only their second and it was the same girl both times) and came home sometime after midnight. I walked in the front door (not sure why because we always use the back door) and I put my purse and keys on the kitchen counter, as opposed to hanging them on the hook like I would have done had I come in the back door. We didn't leave the house on Sunday so I had no use for my keys. This morning when I went to drive my son to school, no keys. My assumption on what happened to them is that they were pushed into the trash can and the trash had been taken out the night before and picked up only an hour before I discovered they were missing. Nice. I blame River.

My husband came home from work and gave me his keys so I could get Owen to school late (ghetto) and then River and I drove by Honda to see how much it would cost to replace the two sets of keys and clickers for both Hondas. I almost shit my pants when the guy told me the hundreds of dollars it costs to replace keys. What a total fucking scam but we have to have them. I'm in the process of scouring the house to make sure neither of my little angels did something else with them but I am 99% sure that they're gone. Don't even get me started on the key chain that is gone as well. I got this thing at EXPERIENCE Twilight in St. Helens Oregon when I was on my Twilight Trip. I'm sick that it's gone and will look into replacing it. It's not like I can just pop into the local market and buy this. I got in on the other side of the country. So annoying.

Once my husband got home to give me his keys, I rushed to get Owen to school only to realize my gas light was on. I screamed obscenities, I can admit it. Hopefully the music was loud enough to drown it out, but I doubt it. I got to the Exxon, which for some reason at 9:30 in the morning was packed. I would have had to wait for a pump had I not snagged one from a slow mover and then I filled the van with a nozzle that was broken and I had to hold it the whole time. I did my best to take a deep breath and count to 10 while I let the liquid gold fill my car. I'm really annoyed by a pump that I have to hold the whole time I fill my car up with $60 worth of gas. It isn't necessary. Just fix the damn thing! However it also leaks because as I let the handle go and then pulled it out, it drooled gas all over my arm and leg, leaving me smelling like I took a bath in that shit. I think this is the moment I slipped over the edge into my "I'm going to kill someone" phase of the day which is not good because I still had to go to Walmart.

Smelling like a gas can, I finally got my kid to school and had to apologize because I smelled so bad that it was giving myself a headache. The wipes did nothing for my stench. One funny thing though, when I dropped Owen off, his teacher came out and told me that next week his class is working with scissors and wanted to know if I could send him with some hairbands so they could minimize the risk of him cutting his hair off. Don't you know as soon as I got home, I threw a bunch of those things in a baggy and slipped it into his backpack. If Owen cut off his hair I'd be pissed! Although it was nice of her to mention this to me. I guess he does have the longest hair in his class.

At Walmart I tried to keep to myself. We needed a few things but I knew with my demeanour and out and out evilness today that no good would come of me conversing with a Walmart shopper and/or employee. I actually skipped a few aisles because I saw potential troubles. I skipped the tissue aisle because I saw a chick with giganto hair, velveteen pants and a zebra top. Even if she hadn't been pushing 400 pounds I would have tried to avoid that hot mess.

After I got Owen from school we rushed home because the Orkin man was coming to start our treatment for these fucking ants. I am over them! I had a dream last night that they were swarming in my mouth. It woke me up in the night that thanks to no air conditioning was hot as hell and I was furious.

One thing I forgot to mention is that this morning while I was rushing the kids out the door, I noticed a trail of ants coming in from the back door, up the wall, across the windows and to the table between the couches. I lifted up Owen's bike helmet and tons of them were under there, on the table. I freaked my shit and killed them all while I made the kids go outside. I didn't want them to see and/or smell the carnage. I gassed them. I gassed them all. Then I wiped the area clean of the evidence. This is why I rushed home with the kids after getting Owen. I wanted to pull the couches out and clean and vacuum behind them, making sure to clean the window sills and vacuum behind the couch and love seat. I did this and then I flipped the couch on it's side and saw a sight that made me actually cry. TONS of ants in one spot under our couch. How I didn't vomit as I committed atrocities on those fuckers is beyond me but I can honestly say that not a one of them got away. I sprayed the perimeter and worked my way in. The clean up was a bitch but I killed them all. My goal was to kill them and the create a mass grave in the trashcan because I didn't want to use the vacuum. I could just see them sneaking out in the night and crawling into my mouth.

Needless to say, it took every fiber of my being not to shove these couches out the back door and over the deck. I actually started to do it but thought Chris might get mad and we have no way of getting them to the dump without help. I'm going shopping tomorrow for a new couch. I can only hope I can get it delivered soon. Thankfully we'd been talking about getting a new one so we'd looked around a little bit. We had planned to wait until next year because we've been hemorrhaging money lately but it is what it is, as my husband would say. Ants are all over our house but mostly in the kitchen. I've had an ant or two crawl across me when I sit on the couch at night but I had no idea that nonsense was happening just under my ass. I don't even know why they were there. It's not like they were crawling on something. I mean the kids often eat breakfast on the couch but it's toast and grapes not sausage and gravy so I'm still at a loss and to be honest, I couldn't give two shits. I just want them gone. I was still crying when the Orkin man showed up and talked me down. He told me they get worse when there is a lot of moisture and he's been on a lot of calls like this in the past few weeks, since the first big storms. He assured me that while this seemed horrible to me, it really does get much worse. He just felt sorry for me. I met him at the door yelling "I don't care what you do, just do it! I feel like I live in a a fucking trailer!"

Anyhoo, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. River has her first ballet class and then we're looking for a new couch immediately after. I still haven't replaced my keys but I'm saving that for a day when I'm in a better mood. Charging me hundreds of dollars to drive my own car makes me feel homicidal. I need to work up to that. Baby steps......

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