Sunday, July 31, 2011

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures! Part Deux

Last year I turned 40 and for my 40th Birthday, I decided to do a self portrait challenge. I loved it and hated it so much that I decided to make it an annual event. 31 pictures in 31 days is harder than you might think. Last year the hurdle was that my Nikon was in the shop so I had to use my point and shoot for the first part of the challenge. This year, I'm pretty sure I still have strep throat so I'm starting out sick...nice.

BUT, I'm going to do it anyway because I had fun with it last year and I was happy with the photos I was left with. It's nice being represented in the family photo albums for a change.

Today is the first day in my birthday month so I'm starting today. I mean everyday is a celebration of me but I step it up on my birthday. Why shouldn't I?

A photo a day for 31 days. One photo of myself, every single day for the entire month of August. It isn't as easy as it sounds but I think it will be easier than it was last year. Since last year's challenge, I've taken photos of myself often. I'd never done that before. So, maybe I learned something which isn't generally my way. I'm sure stranger things have happened. We'll see.

I don't promise make-up or smiles, nice clothes or brushed hair, shoes or even pants, but I promise to post a photo everyday, no matter what my state. They say getting to know yourself better is a good thing and since I already think my shit doesn't stink, I should be head over heels with myself by the end of the month!

Maybe I can get a photo of me killing those fucking ants.


We have ants. Not the cute ants from Sesame Street that carry the picnic basket away and everyone laughs, but the kind that get into your pantry and get stuck and die on the outside of the honey jar.'s just gross.

They are vile. Ever since I spotted the first one, I've been constantly itchy. I will find myself in Giant and turn my head to look at something over my shoulder and I'll freak out thinking I see an ant on my shoulder. I'll jump and yell in the middle of the soup isle only to discover that it's the same freckle I've had on my shoulder since I was 12.

I don't know what to do about them. I emptied the pantry and tossed everything that wasn't on lockdown (including a few cans of shit with a 2008 expiration date, WTF???) and sanitized the whole thing. I also did the same to almost every area in the kitchen, but still, those fuckers find their way in. I kill them daily. I take pleasure in it at this point. I find myself in the kitchen yelling at them before sending them to their death. I scream at them like they can hear me "Enjoy my crumbs with one eye, fucker!" or "Here you go asshat, a brain injury. Take that!" before I squash them with my thumb.

Did you know that for every person on the planet, there are at least 1.5 million ants? That kind of shit keeps me up at night in nightmares where those fuckers crawl through my mouth and down my throat. 1.5 million means that I have A LOT of smooshing to do. Ants also have the biggest brains of all insects so that explains the wetness on my finger as their heads explode. Pamela Anderson would be so proud. She'd probably prefer I gave them Hepatitis-C and called it a day. I just don't want these fuckers forming a colony and stealing my shit. I was pissed when I found them in the sugar but if I see those assholes carrying my iPod out of the house, I will be livid!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I Want to Kill This Bastard!

I understand that the planet needs hot days, just like it needs cold ones. I get it, really I do but wanting to kill yourself rather than go to your car to retrieve a Target bag is too much. This kind of heat reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode where the sun had moved too close to the earth. What a fucking nightmare!

It was Africa hot yesterday. How people live like that I will never know. It's one of the reasons I moved out of the south (there were many) and apparently it followed me. Yes, this is technically the South but you only think that if you've never been to Alabama where they're still a pickin' and a grinin'.

It's been so hot that it feels wet and today is just as bad. We're all bitching at each other and God forbid anyone touches me. My son put his hand on my arm during lunch and I thought I was going to start spinning until I busted a Michelle shaped hole in the wall on my fast retreat to the pool.

I'd sick his brother on him, but between you and me, I think the Snow Miser is a pussy.

Also, my favorite train wreck died. Not a good day. I was looking forward to her new CD..., had she put the pipe down long enough to make one.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Good Week

We had a really good week, the kids and I. Owen had summer camp and it's a little over an hour away. It was the perfect choice as far as camps go. I thought I'd regret it or at least have a really shitty week being all the way out there in what felt like the middle of nowhere but I worked it out. On Owen's first day of camp River and I discovered a Welcome Center and found tons of stuff to do in Calvert County. I know, I know, I didn't know there was anything fun there either but it only took one day for River and I to get tired of Starbucks and a super Walmart, that wasn't so super.

Anyhoo, after we dropped Owen off at camp and he hugged River goodbye, we found all kinds of fun stuff to do. We went to a library Storytime and then on to a weird Swamp Sanctuary. It was free and River basically just ran around acting like she was going to jump in. She likes watching me get annoyed. River and I packed lots of fun stuff into three hours every day and then once we picked Owen up, he generally went to Chesapeake Beach where they have a train museum and an actual beach that you can pay to go on.

We had to wait in the crazy heat for the museum to open.

While I'm over the whole train thing, Owen loved the museum and again, it was free. It was once an actual train station and they had lots of old toy trains and Owen thought it was really cool. There was a lady dressed like a Mennonite inside and she knew so much about the train museum that it was a little creepy, almost like she was there in it's heyday. The beach took them some time to warm up to as they aren't big on the ocean but I forced them. Seriously, this was more like a big dirty pool than anything they'd ever seen of the ocean. It was way too hot most of the week to just eyeball the ocean from the sand that felt like we were standing in hell.

I have no idea why this is my kid's favorite part of going to the beach.

So, Owen loved camp and loved the stuff we did after camps. They have a pool so he swam there and then after we went to the beach and spent 3 hours hanging out in the water and playing on the sand, where they have a big wooden ship the kids could climb through. However, I noticed that there are assholes in Calvert County as well as any place else. Maybe I just bring out the worst in people, I can admit that but River and I stopped to get gas at an Exxon and I had to go to the bathroom, not so shocking to anyone who knows me. As I am pumping gas, I go in to ask about the bathroom and a man comes up to us and leans into me, across River. He doesn't bump her, but touches her with his bare leg and he starts to ask me for money, for gas I'm assuming. He had one of those small red gas cans in his hand. He didn't really get a chance to finish because I lost it a bit. He never acknowledged that he was all up on her. He looked down at her when I started yelling but that was more the look of shock at the mouth on this lady with a kid.

My response was a kin to "Stop! You're making me uncomfortable!' which I think would have been totally appropriate but when someone approaches a woman alone at a gas station with her kid, I think menacing is the way to go. "Back the fuck up! I don't care if you haven't eaten in 6 months, get the fuck away from my daughter!" was the response I chose. It worked as he walked away from the Exxon with no gas and without asking anyone else. Now I know he was probably doing the "I need gas" scam that I've seen at other gas stations but you just don't get that close to someones kid, not if you want your nuts to remain on the outside of your body. Not every chick is timid and easily intimidated. Looking back, he was clearly trying to act crazy to scare me but I see your crazy and raise you bat shit crazy. Trumped. I win.

I'll be honest, that incident flustered me. I got the shakes and my heart was racing. It's amazing what adrenaline will do for you. I was so heated afterwards that River and I changed our plans and hing out in the coolness of the car for a while. It's been hot as balls for most of the week so I didn't want to be as annoyed as I was and then add the heat to it. A book store would have been perfect, if there were one anywhere in Calvert County. I would even have settled for a Barnes and Noble, but nothing.

We picked up Owen and drove the 5 miles to Chesapeake Beach, changed into our swimsuits in the car (ghetto style), paid the fee and went to the beach on at least three occasions. The photo above is the big boat in the sand where the kids could play and they did that for a while until even they were forced to admit that standing in that sand was like standing on the tip of the friggen sun! That sand was all kinds of hot and I couldn't stand it. We all kept our shoes on but you could still feel it, sneaking around the soles of our sandals, mocking us. Also, I think that boat was supposed to be the Arc, judging by the giganto unnecessary cross. I've got to pay to get on your beach and you shove a cross in the face of my children? Nice. Can't it just be a boat? Why must it the THE Arc? Separation of church and beach! I mean look at the size of that cross!

Everyday after we dropped Owen off at camp, River and I headed to Chesapeake Beach and walked the boardwalk. It wasn't easy at first because it was well into the 90s and having sweat drop down my back while fully clothed isn't what I do for fun. It didn't seem to bother River which I don't understand but it was tough on me. Towards the end of the week it got easier when the weather finally broke. Thursday and Friday is was 80 degrees and walking the boardwalk was really enjoyable. River and I were able to take lots of photos of the water, the beach, the boardwalk and of course her. So much easier when your camera isn't fogging up.

It was certainly a good week for Momma and River time!

One thing I noticed on our daily trips up and down the boardwalk were the benches that lined the way. I didn't start reading the plaques that were placed at the top of each one until at least the second day. I think when you walk down a boardwalk it's natural to look the other way, but as I started reading them I noticed that there were quite a few in memory of someone who died on September 11th. I mean all but one were in memory of someone who died but I was surprised so many were from 9/11. It made me go back and read each one. I took photos of several and Googled a lot of the names. I thought they would all be from that small town but they weren't. They were from Columbia, Alexandria, lots of places. I found terribly sad stories of people who died too young, most working at the Pentagon. Probably the wost was the guy who died before his daughter was even born. Tragic.

One of the things I loved the most about the week was how pretty and green everything is out there. I mean you give up things for that kind of living like a real bookstore but it was nice while we were there. We passed this beautiful field of sunflowers every morning and I loved it.

It made me buy these for myself when we got home.

Also, an hour in the car each way for five days meant a lot of Johnny Flynn. Win, win!

It was a good week.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Johnny Flynn ~ The Wrote & The Writ

My favorite song. It is impossible for me to listen to this and not be moved by it. I think I actually like it better when he plays it by himself than with the band, although it's excellent both ways.