Sunday, March 13, 2011

Kids Are Assholes

Columbia Maryland was one of the first cities I lived in when I originally moved from Nashville. It wasn't the first but it was the one I lived in the longest so I earned the right to say anything about it that I want. You might say I have tenure. Subject I majored in? Assholeology.

THIS, is Asshole Central:

Against my better judgement Chris and I loaded up the family and drove to Columbia this morning. The reason was purely selfish. I wanted to eat at Houlihan's. We'd been to one when we took Owen to see Thomas in Hershey PA and I'd really liked it. They have the mushrooms that I really love and since Chris isn't a friend of the fungi, I never get them. Had I thought it out clearly I would have preferred to stay home and gnaw on my own foot but I was blinded by 'shrooms so to Columbia we went.

Chris had a great (sarcasm) suggestion. "We could take the kids to Centennial Park and let them play." Now I had suggested taking the kids to the park here before Columbia ever came up in our discussions so the park was my idea. Centennial Park was all Chris. I didn't really want to go there but I guess it made more sense than going to a park here and then driving to Columbia. Never again.

I hit the asshole drivers who have no idea where they're going as soon as I crossed the border into Howard County. I have been called an asshole driver once or twice before but the difference is that I know where I'm going and if I don't know, I don't make the rest of the world suffer through my learning curve. So by the time we even pulled into the park I'd had more lane changes without warning and signal usage with no intent on turning than I could stomach. My mood was fowl.

We drive up to the playground and I notice immediately that every store in the county must be closed because every school aged child was at this particular playground. I can deal with crowds but that wasn't the problem on this sunny day. The problem? Every kid on that playground was an asshole. Yes, I said ASSHOLE! I don't care if they were 5 or they were 10, if your kid was on the big playground at Centennial Park today around 3ish, you need to have a talk with them about what it means to NOT BE AN ASSHOLE!

The assholes were swarming and it wasn't just the kids. I mean they were a HUGE part of it and I yelled at more than one of them to "BACK OFF MY KID!" but the parents were just plain worthless. My favorite was the father who was playing tag with his kid ON THE PLAYGROUND EQUIPMENT! WTF? Do you not see my fucking two year old? You better recognize cause I'm two seconds away from making you legless!

Wait, it gets better:

Here's a photo of some asshole kid telling my son he needs to stop what he's doing so that his friend (who isn't even visible probably because he's imaginary) can get in front of him.

I'll be honest, as a loving mother I wanted to pull a Hand That Rocks the Cradle on his ass! My little angel stopped what he was doing, as the little snot rocket asked and lucky for that fucker he moved before I dropped my camera and got over there or I would have told him to fuck off!

Here's a photo of my daughter as she prepares to go down a slide that is pretty steep. She's ambivalent because she has that right and perhaps holds up the line for a bit and when I say "a bit" I mean 10 seconds. So instead of waiting the little booger picker behind her decides to give her a little shove. Nothing too severe thankfully, for him because had he actually pushed her down that slide I would have climbed that steep ass incline like Godzilla and eaten his ass for lunch.

Here's the problem. I've seen both my children dish out a healthy dose of ass. All kids can be assholes. I guess I'm just the only one that is willing to admit that. Guess what? So can yours! The problem comes in when parents can't admit that and think their kid would never do something bad or even mean. Assholes aren't born, they are breed. If you raise a kid to think they do no wrong and that the sun rises and sets in their asshole, then guess what you're gonna get? Yep, AN ASSHOLE! Your fault, but the rest of us are the ones who suffer. Well you'll suffer too when they start stealing your smokes and "borrowing" your car at 3 AM. No worries. I'm sure they'll return the keys as they're crawling back into bed with you cause you know you're a co-sleeper.

The only time it will really be a problem for you is when you run into people like me. Your kid is an asshole? Well I trump you in asshole and raise you one total bitch. I don't know what it means to suffer in silence and God willing, neither will my children and until I know they can do it on their own I am their voice and if your little fuckers ever put their hands on my kids again I will show them and you what an asshole really is.

I don't know what's happened to Columbia but it has gotten worse since I moved. I was practically begging my husband to leave. I was hungry and I didn't feel like spending the night in jail for punching a bitch in the mouth. I mean where are the parents when they're kids are acting like this? If either of my children pulled any of that shit I would jack them up. I don't spank my kids and I don't think you need to to teach them that acting like that is not acceptable behavior. But then I guess that's why they don't do this kind of crap. Also, as a piece of advice to lazy parents, if you're going to take your spawn to the park and sit on your ass and talk to yourself while wishing you didn't hate yourself and your kids, just stay at home. It's safer for everyone.

The sun was out today but it came home with me.


  1. Goddamn. I applaud you for not opening a huge can of whoop-ass on those kids. I would have been furious!! I'll never forget the kid who told off my stepdaughter at a McDonalds and shoved her... that little fuck was lucky he got away alive.

  2. I admire your restraint! I find sometimes that going to the playground with the girls requires me to have back-up for the very reasons you listed above-parents not watching their kids or watching and not caring what their kids do.

    My daughter was almost knocked off the top of the slide once and the mom was to busy texting to bother watching her kids.

  3. YOU ROCK! Umm, don’t hold back, tells us how you really feel Michelle?? Ha ha
    Yes kids can be A$$holes, and they learn by example imagine that, so it’s good you did not, how did you put it; “eaten his ass for lunch.” Ha, ha I love it… You remained strong and upstanding. A nice hex or two would come in handy though eh? This is why I don’t like other people’s children, young or old! Ugh, it’s too bad parents don’t realize their kids are not angels sooner, but when you are an A$$hole you usually breed them too… Sorry that your kids had to experience that; oh and you too for that matter… I love it though keep speaking your mind! I think I will post this in my little “Corner” of the world later.. =)

  4. I just LOVE when vampires stop by my blog! You have no idea!

  5. I have always said, "I don't like other people's kids." Play grounds did well up anger inside of me.

    I am so thankful I have teenagers now. Although now my kids are dealing with other kids that say things out loud that shouldn't be said out loud. Social skills and manners, did no one ever teach these kids? That's when you realize the parents have no social skills.

    And yes I agree with you, my kids can dish it out too, but they can't get away with it.
    Thanks for sharing.