Saturday, March 19, 2011

Death and Taxes

My husband and I went to have our taxes done this morning. We (and when I saw WE, I mean HE) usually do our taxes ourselves but his employer did something funky this year so we had to have someone else do them for us. We weren't happy about it, but we had them done.

As opposed to taking the kids with us to sit through an hour of Chris talking to the guy, he went early and I showed up 45 minutes later with the kids in tow. It just made sense but of course when we got there they weren't finished so instead of listening to my daughter test how loud she could scream, we walked out of H&R Block and down the strip mall to the Dollar Tree.

I've never been a huge fan of the Dollar tree. The only thing I've ever really purchased from there were pregnancy tests and even those things had issues. I was pregnant with River for 6 weeks before I knew it because I took a test every Monday and every Monday it said negative. Turned out I was pregnant the whole time. FAIL. Thank God my boobs hurt and I felt even bitchier than normal or I would have continued buying those damn things for months!

Anyhoo, we go into the Dollar Tree and look around, just to waste time. I didn't even take my wallet because I knew we weren't buying anything. As soon as we walked in Owen picked up the dumbest toy on the planet. It was one of those kaleidoscope toys that was probably made in a forced labor camp on the outskirts of Beijing. It had tiny little coloured balls and pieces of confetti on the end, perfect for choking. I made Owen put it down so he wouldn't get some crazy ass idea of taking that piece of shit home.

As we walked further into the store we started to smell the tale tale scent of a dollar store, lead paint and cheap batteries and I began to wonder why I didn't just suggest we play in traffic. It probably would have been safer. I decided just for shits and giggle to take a look around at some of the crap they sell in dollar stores just to make me giggle while we passed the time. I started out with candles in the shape of a t-shirt. WTF? What are you going to do with a candle that smells like pomegranate (and when I say POMEGRANATE, I mean ASS) that is shaped like a t-shirt?

Just when I thought that had to be the dumbest thing in the store, I came across this:

It's a tripod that costs a dollar. Yeah, because I can't think of anything better to do with my $1100 camera than sitting in on China's best $1 tripod. Fail!

Moving on to the "if you let your kid play with this, you should be in jail" section, we came across a terrible deed that has been done to my very favorite artist. It pained me to see this Vincent Van Gogh "Where does Van Go?" shit, even in the dollar store. You cut one ear off and all of the sudden you're the butt of every joke.

We came across a section of porcelain crosses. If you're a regular Dollar Store shopper I suggest buying one of these. It can't help to have God looking over you while ingesting "canned meat" that looks like dog food or chocolate covered cherries that clearly state on the package "contains no fruit." WTF? What is that in there cause I'm envisioning a cockroach.

Whenever there are glasses, sun or otherwise, River loses her shit. I'm not sure why but she screams "I want glasses! I want glasses!" over and over again until I give her some to play with which makes going to places like Walmart or Target a nightmare because at some point we have to leave and I'm not buying her a pair every time we go so I have to take them from her and she screams louder that should be humanly possible. She does it on purpose because she knows I hate it so.
These glasses were at her level so, double whammy.

I think this might be the most redneck thing I've ever seen and I'm from the redneck riviera so that's saying something. Camouflage eggs? Is this what war does, makes these things cool? I think it's kinda on the funny side but I've always been weird about camo. I know some people are into it but I show it the respect it deserves and don't feel comfortable buying it for my kids. War and hunting. That's what it's for. Easter eggs? Not so much.

This is River sitting on the ground, drinking the Kool-Aid that is the coloured eggs. She's refusing to leave until she plays with the eggs. I told her we weren't buying anything. So the screaming she did as I dragged her back to H&R Block was really not called for. No one wants to go to H&R Block, but relax already.

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