Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My Friend Laura Tried to Kill Me

It snowed last night and because of the 1 inch of snow ( I swear) the schools in our county started 2 hours late which meant NO SCHOOL FOR OWEN! So we decided to do what we never get to do anymore, hang out with our friends.

I bundled the kids up in a pile of shit that I swear it took me an hour to get on them. Snowsuits, tights, socks to the knees, hats and boots all around. What we didn't have was gloves. So, I loaded up a little early and we stopped by Target on the way to our friends house so they wouldn't freeze off their phalanges.

While at Target we found the gloves and also bought a couple of sleds. Owen's was a big disc that I swear he didn't touch all day and River's was like a seat I could strap her in and pull her. It was helpful in getting her to the hill.

This is River's first sled down a hill:

This is kinda Owen's first as well. I can't believe he went down. He doesn't usually do this kinda thing:

Our friend Alexa has a pretty good sledding hill behind her house. At the bottom of the hill is a creek but thankfully it was too far to cause concern. I saw the hill and went down once with River. It was totally fun but something I learned today, as cute as Uggs are, they totally blow in the snow. I may as well could have worn slippers for all the traction these fucking things have! I could barely get up the hill with River in tow, but I tried. It was on the first attempt that I fell over and landed on my right wrist. I also had my camera around my neck because I thought that was the safest place for it. So when I landed on my wrist, my face landed on my camera. Oh, what fun!

First thing I did was check my camera. Wrist be damned! The camera was fine so I tried to get back into a standing position, mid hill, pulling a 23 pound 2 year old who is flat on her back in a long plastic sled. She looked like I was rescuing her form a helicopter crash! I have no idea why she stayed like that all day. Also, in case you're curious as to why it is so hard to stand mid hill, UGGS IS AUSTRALIAN FOR SUCK IN THE SNOW!

Cheers Momma!

So I managed to stand and tell Alexa how much that hurt as she stood on the side of a hill texting. Cause that's what you do on the bunny slope, you check your messages. God forbid a text didn't go through! No sooner had I gotten the words out when I feel a commotion. I say "feel" because I heard nothing. I didn't even have time to turn my head before my legs got ripped out from under neath me and I hurled into space like a fucking rag doll.

At some point I landed, on my left wrist because where is the fun in only hurting one? Best part? My camera was still around my neck so when I landed, I jammed it into my chest! I hit so hard that how I didn't impale my still beating heart on that things is beyond me!

You know how sometimes something hurts so bad that you lay still for a minute to make sure you aren't dead? I just wanted to make sure everything was still connected cause I felt like I got hit by an atom bomb. Colour me surprised to look up and see that it was only a screaming 3 year old on a sled. However, she didn't push herself. Someone had to hurl her off the precipice to my doom and I soon saw who that person was once I was able to roll over and detach my Nikon from my person.

Exibit A:

Look at this beautiul shining 3 year old. How could she possibly be to blame?

Laura. Laura did it. I knew it. She's been gunning for me. What I thought were stars in my eyes from a concussion suffered when my body slammed into the cold snow covered ground was the glint in her eye as she surveyed the damage. First she gets my son to throw the biggest tantrum I've ever seen at the mall and now this. As if it couldn't get any worse, once I'd come to and had walked away from the scene, she looks at me and says, "Can I laugh now?"

Just look at my angel. He's staring at me as if to say, "I know she did it Momma. I saw it!"

Anyhoo, I can't touch my chest because it is so tender and when I bend my neck down to look at it, there is a clicking. So I'm pretty sure that bitch broke my neck.


  1. Michelle, I LOVE the way you write.

    At the end of the day, the Nikon survived intact and that's all that really matters right? LOL!

  2. That is all that matters. I'd rather break my wrist than my camera. It's cheaper and I can still use my camera with a broken wrist.

  3. My shining 3 year old apologizes:)
    That was hysterical (your writing- not the actual incident)... if only we had pictures!

  4. This is the full story of you telling me about your fall! you make something so painful, so funny is a gift! You are hilarious girl!