Friday, January 7, 2011

Finding Edward

A little over eight months ago there was a catastrophic event in my home. I'd like to say I remember it like it was yesterday but the truth is that I remember nothing and that's the problem.

My friend Karoline has pregnant with Piper who must be like 4 months old now. I generally have no knowledge of time or space but that's how old I'm guessing she is. Her baby shower was fun. We had it at my house. Michelle made a Tye dyed cake. We decorated. We had tons of food and we drank. That's where I get a little fuzzy.

I'm pretty sure I was drunk before Karoline even got to my house so I literally don't remember much. I vaguely remember opening gifts and I remember playing around with my Pocket Edward Cullen doll. Yes, I have a pocket Edward Cullen, in fact I have several but this Twilight one was the first so I was pissed when after that night of drinking and debauchery that he turned up missing.

This was the last time I saw him:

I was so disturbed by losing him that one day I loaded my kids in the stroller and walked up the street and looked around in the parking lot of the bar we'd been drinking in. I thought maybe in my liquid state I'd snuck him into the bar like I snuck him across the treaty line in La Push in the first photo. I didn't tell anyone that at the time because I thought they'd think I was crazy. However I have a Pocket Edward Cullen collection so I think the shipped sailed on that one, but I found nothing and came home empty handed with only two kids bitching to show for my efforts.

I thought about putting out an APB on his ass because I really wanted him back!

This is the reason I remembered nothing and was able to lose my pocket Edward. Damn Jack Daniels Watermelon Spike drinks! 5% alcohol kicks my ass! I had no one to blame but myself. I mean I tried to blame everyone else but it kept coming back to me. I HATE when that happens.

I knew for my 40th Birthday that I was going to be taking Pocket Edward on my trip to Forks so I searched the house for him and I mean I lifted couches and cleaned behind them, moved book cases, I went crazy searching for him and as time went by I came to terms with the fact that he was gone and would need to be replaced by a new Twilight Pocket Edward. So I found him on Amazon and made it happen. I took the new Pocket Edward on my trip and even had Catherine Hardwicke (director of Twilight) sign his back, but in the back of my mind I always knew he wasn't the REAL Pocket Edward.

This week the unholy amount of shit in my house started to wear on me. I've decided to gather up blankets we don't use, coats we don't wear, basically anything that we don't use that could be of use to someone else, I am going to start FreeCycling (if you don't know what that is, Google is your friend) it. I'm just waaaaayyy tired of how much stuff we have. It really is crazy. So, I grabbed a basket full of old blankets. This is the same basket of old blankets that has been sitting in the corner of my basement for the last year since I got this wild hair up my ass after last Christmas. I emptied it out and don't you know I found my original Pocket Edward face down in my old comforter cover? Thank God he doesn't eat because he would have been dead all damn year! Now I'm pissed my faux Edward went on my trip!

So now he's back in his rightful place next to the New Moon Edwards and separated by First Beach sand from the faux Edward. I think he's a little bitter.

I learned two things in this missing Edward caper.

A/ Look in the most likely place. If there is a basket at the base of the bookshelf he was on, why didn't I check the friggen basket?

B/ Dust the Twilight shelves for the love of God, I mean really!


  1. I told you I did not abscond with your man!!! I know this does not need to go down on record because it's well known but...YOU'RE CRAZY!!! Crossing the treaty line in La Push!?! BWA HAHAHA!! You're funny though. Glad Edward's home. Oh yeah...HE ALWAYS WAS!!!


  2. LOL. I am glad you found your REAL man. I wish it was before you trip though. You may need to go back. Just sayin'.

  3. Hi there!
    I'm stopping by via the weekend hops to say hello.
    Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

  4. Those photos are hysterical! That was the most fun baby shower ever! Glad Edward is found... and that you checked the laundry basket before you gave it away!

  5. I am your newest follower!
    Please follow back, I would greatly appreciate it!
    Quick Tattletails

  6. Good thing you found your Edward... :-)
    Stopped by to follow your blog from the Super Mega 7 blog hop... do comment/follow me back :-)
    Have an abundant 2011! :-)
    Positive Kismet Blog

  7. This post had me laughing out loud! Then I read the post right after this one about the SUV & crappy driver. I laughed out loud again. I'm on the weekend wander & am totally coming back to read more later! Now a follower:)

  8. OMG! I laughed soooooooooooooooo hard at this! you are hilarious! Glad you found the original pocket Edward!

  9. LOL! This made me laugh so much. And i can't believe that you have that many Edward pocket dolls!!!Love your blog btw :D

  10. This post was so cute and funny! I am now convinced I am in love with you. Not to worry - I am safely miles away in sunny Phoenix, AZ. :)