Saturday, July 3, 2010

Things I Should NEVER Admit!

Trust me, there are way more than ten things I should never admit but I'm starting small. I often find myself in public situations and think things that I would never say out loud and those who know me know that those things must be pretty bad because there is generally nothing I won't say out loud. I am an open book and I have no shame. I mean I'm the one who wrote a scathing letter to the archbishop of our local archdiocese making sure they understood that someone was paying attention to the layers of bullshit they were unloading on their parishioners. I think I may have been the only one but I'm not one to blindly follow anything and those kinds of people are the bread and butter of the Catholic church.

So, here it goes:

1. I watch The Hills and The City. In fact, I don't just watch it, I have a season pass on my DVR! I have no idea why I do it but I watch it every week. I know it isn't real and it's so lame. Someone needs to bitch slap Brody Jenner. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for.

2. I never compare myself to other moms and I think I'm alone. While I love my friends who I think are all great moms, I feel like I'm a completely different parent than they are. I don't think I'm better than them or they're better than me but seeing what they do as parents doesn't change anything I do. Maybe I should strive to be more like other moms or do things they do but that feels like coveting and coveting ain't my thing.

3. As much as I adore my children and want them to be free thinking individuals sometimes they'll do what I tell them for no other reason than because I said so. I refuse to have a twenty minute conversation with my son about why he can't hit his sister in the head with a shoe. He'll not do it again or I'll make sure he's sorry. If I wanted my kids to do all of their thinking on their own I would have birthed two beautiful 40 year olds.

4. I don't read parenting magazines. I tried at first but it's basically all the same shit, right? I had something printed in one a few months back and I didn't even read that. Do I really need to read an article about spanking vs not spanking to know what I want to do? I mean I'm an adult so I know my kids need fruit and vegetables. I made a lot of food for my kids when they were younger and still make some for River but I don't need recipes for that. I need to know how to make sweet potatoes, carrots, squash and mush a friggen banana! I'm not making Kumquat Whooptiedoo Casserole. It's not rocket science. If I want advice on parenting, I will ask those same friends that I don't covet. They know much more than the articles I've seen between the adds in Parenting magazine anyway.

5. I haven't had a haircut since I was pregnant with my daughter who is now over 17 months old. There is no real reason for this except I am a busy mom and have two kids who are always with me. The chick that does my hair said I was welcome to bring my kids but she's never met my kids. River screams for attention and I'm pretty sure she'd feel differently when Owen starts digging through her purse or cabinets 2 minutes into my hair washing.

6. People annoy me. I mean really annoy me. I don't feel like I ask for much but minding your own business is a must. Do you really think I care what you think about my son's hair or that you "thought he was a girl?" I just don't care. I haven't even tried to care. I care about real things like will my son be a good person, has he pooped himself and will he let me make dinner without griping. You know, the important stuff.

7. The price of children's toys pisses me off! Why is everything associated with Thomas the Tank Engine so expensive? I mean I know it's British and all but are you serious when you ask me to pay $29 for a small train engine and coal car? Seriously? This is why God invented consignment shops. I'm not paying it and will just create a diversion to get out of the store before my son loses it. Even if he does scream so what, it's cheaper.

8. I think all politicians are assholes. I don't care what party you're affiliated with, I don't trust you. I vote regularly and I'm all over the primaries but you're generally the lesser of two evils. I think in order to be a politician in the first place you have to really love yourself and think you're more interesting than most people. Politics is something I'm interested in because it affects my life. I like to know what's going on but both parties have morons. Bush was just a vile President but Obama has his own issues. granted, people hated him before he was even in office, huuummmm, I wonder why, but he could be doing a better job and he'd better repeal don't ask don't tell or he's better not ask me to vote for him again because I won't. In the end I don't think it will matter. I was pretty sure whoever won this go around would be here for only one term. He got too much baggage coming in. McCain would not have done a better job.

9. I forget everything and my attention span is that of a child. I mean I listen when you speak and sometimes I'm even interested but if you don't get to the point in the first two or three sentences, you've lost me. I may still be looking at you while you're vomiting words that aren't connected but trust me, I'm thinking about the clothes I have to fold or what Edward Cullen is doing.

10. At least once a day I want to kick my dog. I don't do it but I think about it. Her black hair has covered this house like a friggen wool blanket. I do the work, I brush her with a wire brush and still, she sheds on my house like she's getting paid for it. When I vacuum I empty the cylinder 3 times to do most of the house. It's vile. It covers everything I own and I've never been able to stay on top of it. You know it's bad when we go to dinner and I find her hair on my plate. Uuugghhh......


  1. Great post! Love the honesty and I totally agree about it not being necessary to have a lengthy discussion with a child about why no is no. I also agree that kids toys these days are brutally expensive!!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  2. Great post!
    I completely agree about the Thomas stuff. Why is it so expensive. I am really hoping my son does not get into Thomas.
    I really wish I spent less time comparing myself to other moms. Good for you.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog.

  3. Good lord, I think I just found my twin! Wow, they say everyone has one...

  4. Oh, and I shaved our dog. The vet said no, the groomer said no. He will look funny when it grows in they said. Really? What will look funnier, him 1/2 bald or my foot up his ass? Shaved him and have every summer since. And, yes, he looks absolutely ridiculous!