Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday
A blog I follow does this every Wednesday and I'll tell you what I told her, everyday is pour your heart out day on my blog so I'm not 100% sure how this will work for me. I'm pretty much an open book, no shame but I'll give it a shot.
This week is about:
When I was in kindergarden there was a little black boy whose name I don't remember. I don't remember him being very nice and was sometimes overly mean. In the middle of the room was a large wooden jungle gym type thing. There was a platform on top of it and during naptime that kid would always put his mat up there and rest. I remember thinking it was pretty cool that he did that and wanted to do it as well. So, one day at naptime I grabbed my mat and climbed up the wooden ladder to nap in what I thought was the coolest spot. As I reached the top of the ladder, this kid looked over the side and said, "I don't know where you think you're going white girl!" Now I am white so this shouldn't have been the offensive part but in my kindergarten mind, I was pissed! How dare he not only speak to me like that but tell me what to do? I wasn't having it. I climbed to the top of that damn ladder and sat on the landing, just waiting for him to say something. While I don't remember in detail what happened, I remembered there was a scuffle and he ended up falling off the side with a broken arm. I don't think I technically pushed him but I'm not saying I didn't. The truth is, he was a nasty kid. I know nothing of his back ground or why he was such an ass and I don't really care. We all have our crosses to bear and he knew nothing about where I came from. Maybe I had just as much right to be angry and hateful and decided against it.
The point I'm making is that I am almost 40 and have held onto this story for all these years and if that man who was that boy walked up to me now and was just as rude, I'd still be pissed. It may be juvenile but I forget nothing.
I was robbed at gunpoint as a restaurant manager and if that guy came up to me and said, "I robbed you, ha, ha, ha!" I would be totally capable of stabbing him between the eyeballs with a ballpoint pen. No questions asked.
The truth is there are some things you can do in life that are not worthy of forgiveness. I am not of the thinking that you can do whatever you wish, repent and you're good to go. Some things that are done to others, especially a child are unforgivable. I've been through enough in my life to know that forgiving someone isn't essential to moving on, excepting what happened is. I am capable of saying to myself, "OK, this happened and I accept that." Once I except it I am able to put it aside and move on but I don't forget it. The guy who held a gun to my head and robbed me, changed my life. It's been well over 10 years and I think of it often. I see nothing he could possibly say now that could change that for me. I certainly can't go back.
I rarely give the gift of forgiveness because I don't allow people to treat me anyway they see fit. I (like everyone) tell people how I am to be treated by my actions and if you treat me poorly, I move on. I have a busy, full life and I have a low threshold for bullshit. If I have an issue with you, I'm pretty vocal about it and I expect the same from my friends and others. In fact I'd have more respect for most people if they laid it all out on the table. People just aren't very open or honest by nature.
People say, "You must forgive because it is a gift to yourself." That's bullshit and here's why. My gift to myself is taking a stand and saying I am better than the way you're treating me and I am a better person for cutting you out of my life. When I lay my head on my pillow at night, I love the person I am and the proud people I'm raising my children to be. I have wonderful friends and even if they don't realize it, they've earned their place in my life. I love no one because I'm supposed to. Even my mother has earned her place. No one gets invited in for free. Everyone has to work for it, including me. I don't have enemies because I don't afford people I don't like that much time in my thoughts. It's so much easier to not be full of shit. More people should try it.
If you're interested in Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays, go here: