Thursday, July 1, 2010


I haven't been to the dentist in 3 years. There really is no reason for it. I've had dental insurance all along and had a good dentist in Columbia when Owen was born but they pissed me off with some insurance snafu that was their fault and the dental hygienists I seemed to always get was a (rhymes with Shilo Pitt)and I hated her. She would put that suction thing in my mouth and then look away to talk to someone else and jam it down my throat. It's not like she did it once or twice, she did it several times and after a while I told her not to suction me if she couldn't take the time to pay attention. What I should have done was let her gag me and then puked on her. If I had a dollar for every medical professional that I've whistled beef onto I would be loaded.

So, I was a little worried about going to the dentist even thought I try to take great care of my teeth. I had a root canal a little over 4 years ago and it was such a vile experience that I would do almost anything not to through that again. I wish the pain was the worst part but lining my mouth with rubber to catch the fragments was like slowly suffocating me. How I didn't lose the contents of my stomach on that guy was beyond me. I have a fear of dying like Elvis so I always turn down anything he ingested the night he died in leu of other meds but only if I really really need them. They tried to offer me Dilaudid, Vicadin or OxyContin. Even Percocet makes me sick so I turn it down which would just devastate my sister, but I can't hang.

I generally try to stay away from medication that Rush Limbaugh would knife me for but I know sometimes I need it. Even thought I had no cavities, I'm an "excellent flosser" and my teeth looked very good to the hygienist, I knew that I'd hear something about implants which really freaks me out. I have teeth in the back that just never came in. So there are holes that while they don't bother me, will cause more damage later if I don't fill in the spaces with implants that are basically drilled into my jaw. I know I have to do something about it because my old dentist told me the same thing but possibly spending thousands of dollars on your teeth when you have kids you'll need to send to college is unnerving. Not to mention, THEY'RE DIGGING INTO MY JAW!!!! I'd have to take some medication for that, Elvis and Rush aside.

The worst part about going to the dentist is that I have a thing about people touching my face. I just hate it. I once kicked a doctor between the eyes for touching my face. I like to think I've matured as a person and wouldn't act that way but that's a big ole crock of shit. I remember trying to attack someone for covering my face with an oxygen mask as I fell asleep for a colonoscopy and that was 5 years ago, tops. However, in my defense, asshole should have listened when I told him not to to do that. I warm people, but they think I'm joking. If I ever say to you, "I may try to kick you in the face if you come towards my face before I am totally out on the medication," take me at my word. I'm serious, trust me. I wouldn't lie to you, but clearly I will kick you in the face.

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