Saturday, June 26, 2010

Visuals




In a previous life I was a restaurant manager. I wasn't a good restaurant manager but I feel like I tried, it just wasn't for me. I hurt my back and shoulder right before I went into management and it seemed like while I was working those long shifts on my feet that it just never got better. I got tired of complaining about being in pain so I left. I actually thrived at ordering grown men around. That part was tough to give up, not that I ever actually gave it up but as a career I guess I ditched it. I would love to get paid to do that again just in some other capacity.


However that wasn't the only reason I left. Three days before my 27th Birthday in the middle of the hottest month of the year, a guy in a black ski mask came through the back door with a gun. By the time I turned the corner on my way into the kitchen, he already had the dish guy by the back of his shirt and had the gun pointed at the back of his head. He immediately looked at me as I came into view and said, "Are you the manager?" I'm sure a million things went through my head in that millisecond and one of them as I started to lift my right foot to stretch it across my left and make a run for it was, I will never get back through the kitchen doors before he shoots me in the back. So I stood there while he let the dish guy go and grabbed the back of my shirt instead, pulling my hair that was falling down my back which looking back pissed me off because it was unnecessary.


There were many visuals that day that I am unable to forget, even though I would like to. I will never forget the site of a man in a ski mask pointing a gun in my direction. I will never forget the bus guy who spoke very little English telling me that someone wanted me in the kitchen knowing there was a man in there with a gun. Had he spoken better English he could have warned me. The visual is of me being held back by my employees when after the fact I tried to attack him. I don't think I saw him again after that day. Truth be told if I saw him now I'd still like to punch him in the nose. I will also never forget what it felt like to have a gun pressed against my skin. This happened at 9 AM and obviously I went home early that day. I remember trying to lay down and rest but every time I closed my eyes those visuals kept coming back. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing his eyes poking through that fucking ski mask. I couldn't rest without feeling him shoving me across the office towards the safe or hearing the girl next to me cry like a baby the whole time. It was overwhelming.


Yesterday was much the same. I kept seeing how blue my baby's eyes were under that pool water and had on several occasions shake my head and tell myself to stop it. Last night I woke up and found myself unable to go back to sleep. I think I was up for at least four hours before nodding off only to have to get up early to prepare for Chris's party. I hope the same thing doesn't happen when I go to bed tonight but I fear that it will. I had to take a nap when the guys headed into Baltimore because I was so exhausted. Thank God the kids were asleep!
I hate that bad visuals are so hard to shake.


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