Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Daddy Dearest



I've never had the best relationship with my father. That's probably an understatement. The truth is, we're like two ships passing in the night. I don't know him and he doesn't know me and maybe that's for best. I have a feeling we wouldn't like each other very much. I KNOW I wouldn't like his wife. My father has been married since, maybe 1992 and I've never met her and I don't feel the need. I found out they were married when daddy sent me one of those Birthday cards you buy for people you don't know and he put a preprinted return address sticker on the top left corner of the envelope and it had her name on it as well. Nice. She cheated with my father while he was still married to my stepmother who I've always liked and was always very kind to all of us, even when we couldn't stand him. I use to call daddy's house, he'd answer (because the phone was right next to his recliner) and I'd ask for her. What does that tell you? My assumption on that is that that was because she was and still is a very nice person and because even if she didn't admit it, she saw that we had a right to feel the way we did about him, which was bitter and abandoned. The truth is that his abandonment was probably a gift but what kid knows that at the time? My parents divorce was probably the best thing because the thought of having to grow up with him gives me the shudders.

The funny thing about my father being such a shitty parent is that he was a clown in the Shrine Circus when we were growing up so I'd get to see him playing with other kids during the circus or parades and I remember thinking, "Who the hell is that?" I went to this photo shoot with him when I was maybe 9 or 10 and we were in Centennial Park in downtown Nashville in his clown car (no, I'm not making this up) and there were maybe 5 or 6 other kids and the guy told us to get in the clown car and daddy was behind the wheel and the kids gathered in. I sat in the back seat while some other blond kid sat in the front and I remember thinking (and even then I had a mouth on me) while squished in the middle of these strange kids, "Well ain't this a fuckin blip?" Nobody, including my father said a word about me being his actual kid, but whatever. The photograph was in the newspaper and daddy had it framed and it hung on the wall in his house for years. He has no concept.

It's shit like that that made it not a shock when my father not only didn't come to but lied to get out of coming to my wedding. My friends were all upset about it and apparently so was daddy's brother and his family, and felt so bad for me when he did that but it was just one more thing in the long line of bullshit crap he's done so it wasn't shocking to me. I think he did it for a few reasons. I think he knew that no one in the room would like him, his fault. Also I told my father that because my step father had been a big and valuable part of my life, I wanted him to be involved as well. He gave me something my father never did, peace of mind.
I was having them both walk my down the isle and I think he didn't want to share top billing. Very arrogant but totally expected. I actually asked him if he was OK with that which I totally didn't have to do. Truthfully if he had said, " I don't feel comfortable with that," I would have said, "Well guess what ass hat, I don't feel comfortable having a shitty father so we're at an impass!" I also think his skank of a wife played a part in his not coming which makes me think less of her than I already did. If Chris found out today that he had a 10 year old that he didn't know about, I would push him to do the right thing for that kid and be involved and be a good father because that's what the kids would need and it's just the right thing to do. Good ole'#3 apparently feels differently. I think her life is easier without us in it. She, like my father get to bury their heads in the sand. My brother, sister and I (I'm the youngest of three) are reminders that even if he's Ward Cleaver now, there was a time when he was THE shittiest parent on the planet. It's easier if they forget about that. I'm still angry that while still married, he brought that bitch to my high school graduation.

All this comes up because today on Facebook, my worlds collided. My father's step daughter, whose name is apparently Tracey, sent me a friend request. I'm not really sure why because I've spoken to her once and I wasn't even remotely kind when she answered the phone and told me that her father wasn't there when I asked to speak to mine. While I guess I'm glad that they have a great relationship, I can't help but think less of someone who would go out of their way to claim my father as their own. I mean, I've met him so while he may have changed, it is annoying that he wouldn't use that change to have a better relationship with his ACTUAL FUCKING CHILDREN or the grandchildren HE HAS FUCKING NEVER MET! Not that I'm bitter.

I'm still contemplating the whole "friend" thing because I'm not even remotely interested in getting to know her or having my father hear about my life through my status updates. While my mother seeing those things and reading my blog is fine because she knows me as a person so I can't shock her anymore, I'd just prefer not to share with those people. However, I can still shock my father and if this chick plans to get all up in my shit and report back to him, she may get more than she bargained for because I don't change for anyone, even if it were to benefit me. It's just not in my nature. My mother always told me that someday my mouth would get me into trouble and that never really panned out because for that to be true, you first have to give people power by giving two shits what they think and I just don't allow that nonsense.
It just makes me proud that I picked such a great father for my children. Chris would never do these things to River. When she finds someone she can stomach for the rest of her life and he asks her to marry him, she won't have to call her father and ask him to give her away. Chris will already be there and will have given his permission to the guy lucky enough to have her. Also, I want to get in on that cause if I don't like him, I've got ways of making him disappear. I'm just sayin...
Anyhoo, I'm not sure which is cooler, cause in the first picture I look like a rockstar in that red hat and in the second, I am totally rockin those white boots!

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