Friday, April 30, 2010

Girls Night In/Out

Tonight I have a group of girlfriends coming over to celebrate how fabulous we are. Everyone is coming around 7ish and we're all bringing something to share. I'm making my Spin/artichoke dip and I know someone is making pulled chicken sandwiches. This is good for my husband because he isn't stuck eating the same stuff I always make and I make a lot of chicken but never how Kelly is making it.

I'm also making Chai sun tea which I just love but don't make it often because of the caffeine. I sometimes like to have tea before bed and this tea which is made by Lipton seems to have more caffeine than any other tea I've had, but it's really, really good. Also, nothing is too good for my girls.

After we have our GNO at my house, we're going to walk to the bar up the street, which my husband likes to call the Regal Beagle. As long as we've lived here, I've only been once and while not as bad as I thought it would be, it's still pretty redneck. I once drove by and saw a woman standing next to her truck putting deodorant on. It was just gross. The kind of gross that sticks with you for the rest of the day. I was just glad that when I checked their website to see what was going on tonight that it wasn't Nascar night. That may have been a deal breaker for me.

I remember a couple of things from my one time at this bar. I'm from Nashville originally so I am well versed in redneck and there is no way that a redneck here could shock me with anything backwoods that I hadn't seen before. That being said, there were people here and there that could have had a few more teeth and there's always the obligatory sixty year old in a short velveteen skirt and line green halter. But I also remember all the black lights and how weird it looked on my black shirt and there was a stain on my jeans I guess that made it look like something phallic had been thrown across my knee. So, I am washing everything right now that I might even think of wearing tonight, just so that doesn't happen again.

Now that the kids are down for their naps, I've got to de-dog hair this house. Easier said than done when you have to empty the canister halfway through. It should be illegal how much this dog sheds.

Pink Brace for River

I got a call this morning in the middle of Owen's twenty minute freak out because he couldn't have fruit snacks for breakfast. River's physical therapist wanted to come out and bring another lady from the Infant and Toddler program to look at her hand. She has the low muscle tone issue but she also keeps her right hand folded under when she crawls. It's like when she's crawling, she's got her thumb folded under her hand and she's using the inside of her hand as a brace. It isn't a huge deal but the only way to build up the muscle tone in that hand is to use it normally when crawling which she just doesn't do.

They tried many braces on her and the only one that came close to fitting was the smallest size. My baby has tiny hands, which pleases me. They needed to get the order in before the 7th or we'd have to wait til the next school year. So, they ordered a brace for her this morning. My natural instinct was to get the red but since it's for River, I got the pink. They had black too so it was a tough call. But I made a point to think of River and what she might want if she could ask for it and the pink screamed to me, as much as that pained me.

I hate that she needs a brace at all but instead of sitting around and moaning about it, I just got it done. I'm not looking forward to strapping it on every morning and begging her not to pull it off but I am looking forward to seeing her crawling normally and eventually walking. They said it takes forever to come in but beggars can't be choosers so it will be here when it's here. They said in the mean time I need to do massages with her arms and into her hands to help her with a sensory issue she seems to have with people touching her hands. I've noticed it before but didn't think much of it since I don't really like to be touched for the most part either.
I'm also supposed to do the same for her legs and feet before I put her down in the grass cause she hates that as well. She's OK if she's wearing long pants but in shorts and a light shirt, she doesn't even move. She just yells til I come to get her.
So now, we wait.....

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Now He's Not Black Enough...I Love It!

First he wasn't an American citizen because some people are so stupid that they believe if your middle name is Hussein, that you must be a Muslim, which means you couldn't have been born in this great nation, right?? My son's middle name is Italian and he was born in Baltimore.

Then he wasn't American enough when they said he didn't put his hand over his heart when they thought he should, then he was too black to be President now he isn't black enough? Bigots and Rednecks always give me a chuckle. Call yourself whatever you want but those of us who aren't bigots and racists see you for exactly what you are. You think we don't know because you only use the words at home, but we read you like a cheap Harlequin. Bigotry is bigotry.

"You're Such a Great Mom!"

While Owen was at school this morning River and I went on a couple of errands. We bought gifts for a Birthday party this weekend and then off to Giant for the ingredients for my yummy spinach & artichoke dip that I'm making for our girlfriend get together at my house on Friday night. I was in a hurry because we got to the market at 10:30 and River's physical therapist comes at 11:00. Needless to say, we blew through the store buying only what we needed and some blackberries because they were on sale as well as Dinosaur nuggets cause they're Owen's favorite. If I don't have lunch on the table waiting for him when he gets off the bus, he storms in the house, pounds his hand on the table and yells, "Momma!"

Once we rush through the checkout where I bagged my own groceries because whenever they do it for me, they forget to put a bag in my basket and I have to go all the way back up there with two tired babies and a pick a fight with me attitude, we went back to the van. I parked the cart and took River out and proceeded to put her in her car seat, like I always do. An older woman stops at the back of the van and says, "You're such a great mom. I never see someone put their kid in before their bags. " Really? People do that? There really is a parent who would leave their kid in the cart while they secured their diaper bag, whole milk and everything bagels? Even in a hurry I put the kids in first. I can live if someone steals my wallet but if someone took my kid, I'm not so sure. Even when I have both kids, I put one in, go to the other side, put the other one in and then put my crap in the back, all with an eagle eye. The possible outcome of leaving my kids in the cart while I do other things just isn't worth it even if the possibility is minuscule.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Boy and His Cupcake

My son is never happier than when he's got a cupcake hanging from his mouth. If he concentrates on his school work like he does yummy pastries, he'll be a friggen genius.

Today at our Wednesday playgroup, which Owen can never go to anymore because of school, Lisa sent me home with a cupcake. I let Owen have it after dinner when he was fussing about doing something and the quickness this expression changes from his fake whining to "Oh my God, cupcake!" is hilarious. It's like I'm holding the coolest thing ever in my hand and all is right with the world.

My beautiful babies are so easy to please.

For the Love of a Book.....

Even I am shocked at the love I have for the Twilight Saga. I didn't see it coming and wasn't even open to it for months. I wasn't a fan when any of the books came out. I wasn't a fan when Twilight or New Moon were released in the theater and just got interested in it right before New Moon was pulled from theaters, giving me a chance to see it on the big screen. I've never seen Twilight in theaters and I wish I had.

As I creep up on my 40th Birthday I have been trying to come up with an idea for something I could do to mark the special event. It's odd to mark the day you turn 40 when on most days you barely feel 20. I often have to remind myself that I'm an adult. When I was a kid and someone told they were 40, I remember thinking Jesus, you're old. How funny to remember that because I still feel that way a little bit. I've met 40 year olds and called them Sir and Mame which is ridiculous because they're my age but I just feel so young that I forget. What a wonderful thing it is to feel this way at 40. I am definitely the youngest 40 year old I have ever met and I'm cool with that. Maturity and conformity are overrated.

So, instead of going on a cruise or a beach vacation for my Birthday (both which I looked into) I have talked my husband into taking me to the Olympic Peninsula, in October. I researched tons of things I wanted to do but as soon as I found this, I knew it was on. We are flying to Portland where I'll be taking a small bus tour with Catherine Hardwicke, the director of Twilight. We'll go in and around Portland to the shooting locations and she'll tell us about the different areas. I think it should be really fun. Chris won't be going on the tour because he doesn't care but I'm OK with that. I'll take enough pictures to make him feel like he was there. The Twilight Convention will be in Portland while we're there but I'm not going to this one since I just went. If Stephanie Meyer were there, I might go but other than that, I don't really care. I gotta tell you though, I'm so excited about the tour that it wakes me in the night so I'm REALLY looking forward to it.

After Portland we're going to drive down to Forks and LaPush, again, I'm really excited. We'll go and see Bella's truck, Forks hospital, The Hoh Rain Forest and 1st and 2nd Beach in LaPush. I think I'm most excited to see the beaches because they looked beautiful. I bought a couple of books on what to look for because I don't want to miss anything. I must really want this because I am terribly afraid of flying but how often do you get to meet with and talk to the director of your favorite movie? What an awesome experience that will be.

What a wonderful husband I have to entertain this craziness. When I first had this idea I was almost afraid to tell him because I thought he would laugh at me but he hasn't. I can't imagine there are too many husbands like that. I married the perfect guy to put up with my bullshit. He asked me, "Just please tell me I'm not married to a Twilight person. You're just somebody who likes the books and the movies, right?"
"Um dear, we're flying to the Olympic Peninsula in October. You're married to a Twilight person."

At least I openly admit I'm crazy. That's half the battle, right?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Final Offical Eclipse Trailer

I've been waiting for this. Glad that it's finally here. I hope I can see it in IMAX, even though those things always make me nauseous.

This is a mash up of both trailers so it's like one big extended trailer:

TwiCon ~ Day II

After putting my laptop away and before calling for my 9 AM wake up call, finally went to bed around 3 AM. The 9 AM wake up call felt a little frivolous but I was going to sleep pretty late and I didn't want to miss anything. I decided to eat breakfast in the restaurant down stairs, again frivolous but it was my goal to not get in my car the whole time I was there and I didn't. I ate eggs Benedict, which is my favorite and it was good. It stuck with me all day but it was good.

The Hillywood Show has these great Twilight and New Moon parodies that are really funny so I wanted to see them, which was first thing. If you like all things Twilight, it's worth looking up because they're funny. I liked the New Moon one better. After that, Edi Gathegi who played Laurent did a Q&A and then another Twilight Lexicon panel about their time on the red carpet. I liked their panel of Friday better as it was about visiting Forks. While it made me not want to go there, it was interesting. All of the stars that were there did Q&As and then autograph signings and photo ops. I only did Peter's cause I'm not really into the rest of them. It was nice to see all of them but how many autographs do you need, really?

There was also a TwilightMoms panel which I found way less than interesting. I really could give a shit about your brush with greatness. It's funny because I am a TwilightMombut I just didn't care. After that Kiowa Gordon who plays Embry had his Q&A. That guy must have been born with his brain on the outside of his head because he was just this side of functionally retarded. I had to leave in the middle of him talking because I found it to be complete drudgery to listen to him. He was like a better looking Keanu Reeves from Bill & Ted. Totally annoying and I hope that isn't distracting for me when I see him in Eclipse.

There was a Twilight auction where people paid hundreds of dollars for autographed items, which again, I don't get. It's one thing if they sign it for you, but isn't it something else entirely if they signed it a month ago, just so you'd buy it? Why would you pay $500 for that? What are you going to do with it, really?

I remembered to eat lunch this time, which made me feel a hundred times better than yesterday. I sat in front of a gigantic tapestry of Bella's truck and enjoyed my $4 sandwich and my tiny little Sprite and then went into the vendor room one more time. I bought a shirt and a few little things but I really didn't spend much money. I did buy little Cullen Crest key covers because I thought they were funny. They were selling some crazy crap including Cullen contacts. How annoying those things must be to wear. They also had a full box of Twilight trading cards for $72. Hello? What?

Michael Welch who played Mike Newton was the last Q&A I went to and he was actually pretty interesting. He had good stories and seemed comfortable which was nice. At least he didn't sit in a chair and stare blankly at the audience. That was definitely covered already. Before I went to blog before going home, I watched some cast interviews which I wasn't all that interested in, but it was there.

After that I blogged in the middle of a militant pow wow, I decided to head home. There was a Volturi ball later that night but I had zero plans to attend and the bowties were overly annoying. I thought it would be fun to see everyone dressed up like vampires but not enough to wait around for it. All in all, I had a great time and met some nice people, who weren't crazy. I wasn't sure that would be the case. I'm glad I went alone because I could do anything I wanted whenever I wanted to do it which I'm a fan of.
Now, what to do with a picture of me and Peter Fancinelli......

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Nation of Islam

If I see one more fucking bow tie, I think I might lose my shit. Militant bastards early on a Saturday morning is more than I can stomach. I mean I get that your “leader” is here but does that mean you need to position yourself around the lobby, in every corner and hang over the Mezzanine? One guy was blocking the stairs to the mezzanine and I had to ask him to move. I’ve got a militant face too. I’m not scared of you. Now move your ass before I clock you in the side of the head with my zoom lens! When I finally get upstairs to do something I almost never do, get money from an ATM, they’re swarming up there. There is one bow tie in every corner and one was all up on me while I tried to get money out. I had to turn to him, in my agitated state and ask him to back the fuck up. There’s no sense in mincing words. I think they hate women or at least think we have a place and I’m not the bitch you want to be talking to if that is your mindset. What I really wanted to do was rip off his clip on bow tie and shove it up his ass. As soon as the words came from my mouth, 5 or so bow ties let go of the walls they were holding up in the name of Mohammad and started walking towards us. That's when I got loud. Don't try to intimidate me. I'm not your bitch. Get off my ass and let me get money out of this machine before I break off a piece of the Koran and beat you with it. I would have been nicer if I thought he’d earned it but when I say he was all up on me at the ATM, I mean his jacket touched my person and that’s a personal space issue so me saying “Could you back the fuck up?” was really pretty nice. You don’t do that to a woman period. It skeeved me so much that I complained to the front desk. I’m sure they won’t do anything about it because they’re pansies, but at least I shared. I found myself walking around all weekend quoting Forrest Gump to myself, "I didn't mean to get in the middle of your black panther party." Oh, don't get offended. It's just a movie!

Besides standing in the middle of the lobby, guarding their king, I don’t know what they’re doing here. Twilight fans and the Nation of Islam just don’t mix. Who took that reservation? I have never understood groups of men who get together and dress alike. It’s just creepy. The Boy Scouts is one and don’t even get me started on them. I know they do good things for kids but I’m not a fan. I hope there never comes a day when my son asks me if he can be a Boy Scout because we’d have to have a serious conversation about what we tolerate from other people who don’t except us, unless we’re just like them. It’s technically the same speech I have saved if he talks about voting Republican, so I’m ready.

I just can’t understand a group of men who get together to follow one person who by all accounts is a complete pig. They wear bow ties for no other real reason then because he does but they don’t really do anything. I mean I’d love to ask the idiot standing in the middle of the lobby guarding the stairs, “What the fuck are you doing? Why can’t you form an original thought? Bowtie? You’re wearing a fucking bow tie with polka dots on it and a Bernie Mack hat. What gives?” I’ll have to do some real research to see if they actually do anything besides sitting around looking militant and calling each other brother while giving the two cheek kiss, which is so tired. Such a cliché. It’s been done people! They just look like a bunch of Shriner’s to me. All I see is a bunch of sheep. Followers.

Luis Farakhan is a racist, homophobe and an anti semite. He once called Jewdism a "gutter religion." The only difference between this guy an a September 11th hijacker is that he doesn't have a bomb strapped to his chest. Also, he clearly has minions to do his deeds. Last year he said that the H1N1 vaccine was made to depopulate the earth. Some believe he had a hand in the death of Malcolm X, just to get him out of the way. Do with that what you will.

I’m typing away on my lap top in the little WiFi area of the bar in the lobby of this hotel and my screen is angled down because Brother Whatever his name is, is sitting next to me and I swear he keeps looking at my screen. I’m sure he thinks he’s entitled to know what I’m doing since I’m beneath him. Hell, he’d probably slit my throat if he read this. Truthfully, I’m just pissed that they bogarted my TwiCon coverage, but I’ll get back to it.

Oh shit, a guy just walked in wearing a teal suit and a yellow bowtie. My head is exploding. Clearly getting a good night sleep did nothing for my disposition or acceptance of misogynist bullshit.


Holy shit, I’m not alone. Now when I say that I’m not alone, I mean that I’m not the only person who loves Twilight enough to go to a Twilight convention, but keep in mind, I knew this was some crazy shit, even before I got here. I jumped into this with open eyes and an open mind, but still, damn!

I left at 10 AM after my son got on the bus and I kissed my angel in the driveway. I can’t remember the last time I left the house for the night alone. I think it was a Duran Duran concert in Philly, before I had kids, so a good three+ years ago. How liberating this is. I’m sitting in the Internet bar in the Sheraton in Arlington and I’m feeling good. The drive down was easy and I headed my husband’s warning to be careful. Once I got onto New York Avenue, it was easy. The HUGE 18 wheeler I was behind for an eternity had the company logo emblazoned on the back. I got to read these words for a good 5 miles, in traffic, “Batesville Casket Company, Please Drive Safely!” Yeah, no shit.

I only missed one exit and it was the one by The Pentagon but I corrected quickly as not to end up in Delaware. Trust me, I could totally make that happen. When I got to the hotel, I was immediately annoyed that I had to pay $14 for parking, a day. WTF? This is another thing I hate about Virginia and there are many. Making me pay for parking at your hotel, just assures that I won’t stay there again. As if that weren’t bad enough, you ask me to pay $11.95 for WiFi? Seriously? I’ll just blog tonight, save it and then post it when I get home. FU Sheraton! Too much happened tonight to blog it all anyway so it will be a two-parter, at least.

On the first day of Twi-Con, I learned a few things. First of all, red pants should stop at a certain size. I’m all for having a good time but if your ass looks like a bleeding STOP sign that is begging to be put out of its misery, just buy a pair of jeans for God’s sake. It will be easier on all of us. I’m not a tiny girl but I know what I’m capable of. Learn your limits and stick with them. Second, I learned that Peter Facinelli has green eyes. My zoom kicked ass and I was all up in his nostrils, and I’m not complaining because he’s way hotter than I thought. I couldn’t help but notice when I was all up on him that he smelled like a cross between cedar and drift wood. I wasn’t sure what to make of that but I filed it away under WTF? He didn’t smell bad, he just smelled like he’d been outside. I know, random, but I thought it was worth mentioning. I heard he likes to camp a lot with his family so maybe he does that on purpose. He also didn’t seem like an ass, which was nice. I’ve met lots of famous people in my travels and the rule clearly states that most of them are assholes. I had a picture taken with him and he signed my Twilight book. I had him sign the book because I have two children under 3½ so the idea that I’d do anything with his photo is laughable. All of my wall space is spoken for. Also, I know I’ll always have this book because I really love it and now that he signed it, I won’t even lend it out. I just need to keep the grubby hands of my children at bay. I think I can do it. Third, I learned that some people take this shit way too seriously. I obviously love the movie and all things Twilight but like most things, I do it with a bit of humor. Some people just aren’t capable of that. There is a group of fat chicks walking around in black Facinelli shirts that they obviously had made and they talk really loud about the other Twilight conventions they’ve been to. I can’t really even convey how annoying they are and they seem kinda mean. Not sure why but I think they want everyone to know that they know everything about him, which I find terribly sad. They’re all at least 35 and were talking about how they made a Birthday cake on his actual Birthday. Now I did that shit too, but I DID IT WHEN I WAS 12! I did it with my friends on Simon LeBon’s Birthday, but again, I WAS 12!
Another thing I learned, the people that work for TMZ are crazy. I had no idea how close they got with their cameras but they get inches from your face and stumble over each other and whatever is in their way to get a shitty picture of someone walking to their car. You don’t realize that from your couch in Idaho, but my eyes have been opened. I know everyone has a job to do, but they’re snakes. Watching them in action is surreal.
There was a Q&A with Peter before he signed our stuff and a Twilight Lexicon panel which I found more interesting than I thought I would. After all of these things and some things from the Hillywood Show cast, it was time for the Karaoke concert. Now I DO NOT do karaoke but I went because Michael Welch and Peter Fachinelli were hosting and I’m glad I did because it was fun to watch. I am always amazed how I can go somewhere alone and have a great time. I am totally my best friend.

It was probably well after 11 PM when I realized I hadn't eaten since the bagel I shared with my son at 9 AM. I started to get the shakes but everything was closed. I had to eat kettle corn and almonds for dinner since it was all I had. Luckily I'd taken some of those Jack Daniels drinks I love so I could drown out the hunger. I felt like Axl Rose. I have no idea how a fat chick forgets to eat as much as I do. It's just odd.

Just when I thought the weekend couldn’t get any more interesting, the Nation is Islam showed up. I’m going to do something I don’t usually do and get a good night sleep before I address Louis Farrakhan. I guess we’ll see in the morning if it helped. I’m going to make a bold prediction and say , “NO!”

I blogged in the bar for a while after that and then went up to my room, dropped the temperature to 65 and got into the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept in. Now I’m going to bed and tomorrow I’ll see what wicked this way comes.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

15 Month Photos

We got up bright and early and out of the this morning to go to our regular place to have our regular photographer take River's 15 month pictures. Usually River is a dream and just sits there occasionally smiling while I chase Owen around the store begging him to listen and offering a big sucker if he'll just sit still. Today was different.

Owen sat down immediately and didn't move. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Then I put River down and she started screaming as soon as her Swadler hit the black cotton backdrop. No idea what her deal was but she screamed through most of the sitting only occasionally coming up for air and never smiling. I don't really care that she isn't smiling in her pictures but I had the prettiest dress on her today and it was basically ruined. I spent $20 on all the pictures so that should show you how bad they were. He was able to get a sweet one of her in her bonnet, but that's about it.

The Dorothy dress I bought for Logan's baptism will just have to be photographed by me in the back of the house once the freakish child that is sitting in front of me turns back into my little angel. Well, she just threw her Hello Kitty bowl across the room so she must be reemerging. Welcome back River, welcome back.

Friday, April 16, 2010


Today is the anniversary of the Virginia Tech shooting. I didn't go to Tech, but my husband did, which makes us a Hokie family.

On April 16, just like April 19th (Oklahoma City) and 20th (Columbine), I make a point to take time out of my day and remember the people who died. I'm not sure why April was such a big month for this. I know Hitler's Birthday is the 20th but I don't know if that's why they do it. My brother's Birthday is on the 18th so there's a small respite. I think there was a terrorist attack on one of our embassies on that day, but in the 80s I think so I was too young for it to have a real impact.

Whenever something like this happens and it seems to happen way too often now, I make a point of reading all of the names. I've always done it and while it's a bit depressing I think the least I can do is to acknowledge each person and their death. I've never been able to do that for September 11th because so many people died and it's always bothered me. One company lost 658 people so I wonder how they even did it. Cantor Fitzgerald made a pledge to distribute 25 percent of the firm's profits for the next five years, and committed to paying for ten years of health care, for the families of its 658 former employees (profits which would otherwise have been distributed to the Cantor Fitzgerald partners). I can't talk about all of the people who died that day without mentioning this. When I read this it blew my mind because they didn't seak nor get much press for it and they're still paying for the health insurance. They didn't argue about paying out money for other people who may or may not have been in need after losing a bread winning parent, they just did it. I'm not sure but this sounds like the Christian way of handling health care reform, not bitching about what you shouldn't have to do for other people. God is watching.

Anyhoo, on the day of the shooting, Chris took me to Columbia to have a kidney stone removed and I was pretty upset about it so he was full hands on which meant we didn't listen to the radio and knowing Chris, he probably read a book in the waiting room as opposed to watching TV, if there even was one. We learned the news from his mother who was at home watching our son. I got the same sick feeling in my stomach that I always get and I'm sure it was much worse for Chris who has memories that I don't have. He and his fraternity brothers talked that day but none of them really had anything to say. Chris was upset beyond words and still doesn't really like to talk about it. I am famous for buying magazines and newspapers when something big happens like this . After September 11th, I filled four scrapbooks that I know someday my kids will use for learning about the day and how jumbled the news was. My mother did the same thing when President Kennedy and Bobby were shot and they're interesting to look at now. After the VT shooting, I bought a single magazine. Time had a cover with each of the 32 people who were murdered and I thought it would be something good and tasteful to remember the day.
The day after the shooting I wore one of our Virginia Tech sweatshirts to the post office. It wasn't really a statement, I just lived in it back then. A woman said to me, "Don't you feel weird wearing that today?" My natural instinct was to say, "Are you a crackpot? I'm supposed to not wear a sweatshirt from a good school because some whack job killed innocent people? We're standing in a post office. If that angry snot nosed woman behind the counter opened fire, would you no longer send mail?" Instead, I found my kinder gentler Michelle and said, "Crazy happens anywhere." I thought it was appropriate for the day before and her comment.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Quarter Auction

Ok, I have two questions. One, Is it a requirement to scream at the top of your lungs when you win an 18 or over sexually explicit gift bag and two, is it a prerequisite that you be fat if you hang out at a fire hall? It was tough enough picturing some of these women naked when they strolled to the front, all smiles to collect their Anal Ease, but did they have to yell so loud? Also, I was glad I had a light dinner.

Tonight I did the oldest thing I've ever done. I went to a quarter auction. When I first walked in, I shit you not, I thought I was at Bingo. My friend Angie is a Close to My Heart Rep. and she invited me. Sherry came as well which saved the night cause I had someone to chat with. When I say chat what I really mean is crack on some of the crazy ass people who apparently frequent these shindigs. It's tough to sit with Sherry sometimes cause she's a proud Canadian and my natural instinct is to end every sentence with "Aye?" and ask her what the hell she's talking "aboot". But I refrain.

You pay $5 to get in and they give you two paddles with numbers on them. I got a third paddle because of the flyer Angie gave me. You bid a quarter or two on different items and then you can win said item. I'm not 100% sure how the vendors make out and I'll have to get the low down from Angie on that one but it was fun. They had a bar and served food which we didn't eat.

It seemed like the same people kept winning over and over and I don't know if that's coincidence or cause they had 15 paddles. I was there to support my friend so I didn't bother to check. I did win some Mary Kay eyeshadow which I like to kindly refer to as "Whore Paint." I do not want to meet the bitch that would wear this shit. Maybe Donna Summer circa 1976, but that's all I could come up with. I can't wait to re gift this to someone, anyone. If you've got a birthday coming up, get ready.

Also, butt crack. What's up with the crack of your ass being right in my face? If you're over the age of 5 and I can see your ass crack, you need an intervention. Just buy some pants that fit for God's sake!
It was also nice to come home and hear from my husband that my daughter is becoming aggressive and is willing to bitch slap you if you take her bottle away. Also tonight my son apparently learned what a courtesy flush is. How he got to be three in this house without knowing that is beyond me.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Are We Havin a Laugh?

No, we're not. At least I'm not.

I am the cheapest person I know so if I get a movie from Netflix or any other place, I'm going to watch it. I'm just way too cheap to let it go unseen. Last night Chris and I watched a Ricky Gervais movie. I think he is hilarious! We loved the British Office. I loved it so much that when the American one started, I hated it at first. The pilot episode was a failure, but I gave it a second chance because I loved the original so much. We also loved Extras. I liked Extras more than The Office and was sad when it ended, even though the ending was kind of like watching a dog slip into a coma with it's depression but they're British so not everything ends on a happy note. I think we only do that here cause we're pretty good at digging our heads in the sand and acting like bad things don't exist, IE, George Bush.

So, the point I'm making is that I love Ricky Gervais. He's my favorite host of an awards show and his stand up makes me wet myself so why can't he carry a movie? I really tried to like him in these movies but "Ghost Town" made me want to shove my head in the oven and after last night's "The Invention of Lying," It took everything I had not to book a plain ticket so I could find him and bitch slap him. While I got the basic gist of the move, it didn't make sense. OK, people have never lied, I get it but that doesn't mean they need to shout out everything they're thinking to a complete stranger. It was so stupid. Five seconds in the door of a blind date and she needs to tell him she was masturbating and will never sleep with him? It was just unnecessarily vapid. It isn't like it's his acting that's the problem, he just picks really stupid movies. I can't remember the last time I didn't finish a movie just because it was bad. I think the second Legally Blonde movie was the last time I did that but I should have seen that one coming. Her voice alone in that movie made me want to chew on a Brillo pad.

I'm not 100% sure but I think I may be done with him as far as movies go. He's got two movies in production. One is called Flanimals and I think it's a cartoon and the other is called Cemetery Junction where he's an insurance salesman. He isn't the lead so maybe it has a chance. Neither movie sounds like it will save his movie career. I'm still hoping they'll do something more with Extras. THAT I would watch.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Evil Children

Way to go Pete!

This commercial makes me laugh. It's very Children of the Corn. The kid in the stroller with the bad hair totally creeps me out. He looks like Damien from The Omen. Damien is the reason I look behind the shower curtain before I pee and that my son will never wear a suit so to say that that movie from 1976ish stuck with me is an understatment. That scene where he claws his mother in front of the church still gives me the shudders.

Everything about this movie creeps my shit out. Here's why I'll never have a nanny:

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Jane's Garden Party!

Owen never likes to miss a party so when we were invited to Jane's first Birthday Garden Party, we were so there!

The weather was perfect. It was a little on the cool side but that's how I like it. It's the kind of weather where you could wear shorts and a sweatshirt. Kinda like a Mc DLT. Hot side hot, cool side cool. That reference is lost on you if you're under 30 but I'm OK with that. You can Google it.

Anyhoo, I knew Karen was making cupcakes with icing she made herself so that's all Owen needs for a party. Well into his second I decided to back him away from the cupcakes cause they are seriously the best friggen cupcakes I've ever tasted and if I loved them, I knew he was going ape shit for more. Karen sent me home with a few and I think they're already gone. Chris liked him so much that he described them like so, "These things are so good, they're like eating sex!" Nice.

Owen did his usual "sneak up to the Birthday girl in the middle of the song while no one is looking." He likes to jockey for position to get first dibs on the Birthday cake. Karen's mother slipped him a second one when I wasn't looking but it's a party so I let it go. I could tell he knew he probably shouldn't have it by the way he hid behind people's legs and watched me from behind. Such a sneaky little fucker!

They have a good size back yard and a large play gym thing with a slide that's awfully fast. They also borrowed a moon bounce for the day and they have one of those godforsaken sand tables. I absolutely hate sand, unless it's on the beach. Owen loves it and he and Cooper spent forever at that damn thing. That is until they decided to argue over some yellow container that I swear was antifreeze. In the middle of the tug of war Cooper just decided to end it by cracking Owen in the face with a shovel. While no one wants to see their baby getting hit and I'm not really sure what started it, I can't blame him. I can think of several occasions where I'd have liked to do the same. You can get away with that shit as a three year old but if you pummel somebody in the face with a shovel when you're in your 30s, people frown on it. But don't kid yourself into thinking that it doesn't cross my mind at least once a day.

I think the kids had fun. River just likes people looking at her and talking to her. Because she isn't walking, I had to hold her all day which limits the pictures I was able to take. I'll be so glad when she's walking and I know she will be too. Owen seemed to like playing with the other kids. Most of them were related so that's always a tough thing for a kid to get into. I felt bad for him when he didn't understand that they weren't really being mean, they're just used to playing together. It's also hard to make other kids understand that yes, Owen is big but he's only three and he has delays so he isn't ignoring you, he just isn't capable of what you're asking. But he can eat the hell out of some chicken nuggets!

Friday, April 9, 2010

It's Official, I Hate Tiger Woods

I'll be honest, I gleefully know nothing about golf. I really don't know too much about sport in general and I'm OK with that, but I can tell you that I am sick to death of hearing about Tiger Woods. A rich man with a beautiful wife and two beautiful children isn't much of a story until that man bones every woman he walks past. I was willing to let it go until I saw his new Nike commercial where he digs up the corpse of his dead father to conjure up meaning and sympathy. The 30 second spot made my skin crawl and hate him where I didn't really give two shits before.

If I were his wife, I would have wrapped a golf club tightly around his neck and then shoved a putter up his ass. Divorce? He dragged his wife and children through the mud so I would have dared him to try to take half. It's almost impossible to take half of something that is burning to the ground. Matches are cheap.

How do you stay with a man that did that? One is bad enough but 14? What do you tell yourself when you look in the mirror? I'm doing it for the kids? I think a more important lesson is not to let people shit all over you and live to tell about it. I would have divorced his ass and then written a book about it, printing every last text message and phone conversation. I would have called it, "My Life With A Giant Golfing Asshole and His Whores."

In Restless Dreams I Walked Alone

I discover some of the best things in the middle of the night. So when I came across the 25th anniversary of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame concerts at New York's Madison Square Garden, I watched as much as I could before Chris made me turn it off. Because I'm a loving wife, I let him turn it off while DVRing it in the other room at his insistence. What I wanted to scream was, "If it's too loud, you're too old!"

I have loved Simon & Garfunkel for as long as I can remember, thanks to the albums my mother had when I was young. They broke up the year I was born so it's not like they've been releasing new stuff but the songs they released between 1965 and 1970 are incredible. I have many favorites but when this is performed live, it's breathtaking in it's sadness. The funny thing about this concert is that it shows what a tiny little ego maniac Paul Simon is. He couldn't just let Garfunkel sing Bridge Over Troubled water by himself, like he always had. He had to sing a verse himself. It's better when AF sings it alone. He just has the better voice.

I always heard as I grew up how much these two hated each other and while I don't know if that's completely true or not it really is nice to see them together from time to time. The last time I saw them preform was when they opened the Grammies in 2003.

I don't listen to S&G everyday but I always come back to them. People would have you believe that Paul Simon is the brains of the operation but I don't believe that either. Garfunkel's voice is amazing and he almost looks pained when he sings. I don't think you'd look at him, a guy named Art and think that that voice would come from him. The song was written in 1964 by Paul Simon in the aftermath of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy but I think Garfunkel steals the whole song with his voice. I think Simon wrote most of their songs but listen to Bridge Over Troubled Water and tell me you remember that Paul Simon is even there the whole way through.

One of my favorite things about this song in particular is that it reminds me of a summer I spent in Knoxville with my mother's sister and her family when I was young. It was around the time of the 1982 World's Fair because I remember the commercials and the complaining about all the work they were doing to prepare, including widening the streets. It was a pivotal summer in my youth because what was going on at home wasn't good for anyone. My sister had just started to turn to the dark side and no one could have foreseen what the upcoming years would bring but getting me out of there for a while was a stroke of genius. I had a good summer and I remember listening to this song as well as A Chorus Line Soundtrack often and I still love that damn thing too! But maybe the best thing about it is sitting here with my daughter while my son is at school and listening to it 15 times in a row with her in my lap. She's actually watching it and listening while she sucks her thumb. I hope she'll learn to appreciate this kind of thing before the teenage years hit and we both lose our minds.

I wonder about people who don't love songs like this. I wonder if they can't find beauty in this, where is it that they can find beauty?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Rockabye Sweet Baby Jane

Today our friend Jane turns one year old! I remember being at the park and telling Karen that I was pregnant again. I'd just found out after weeks of negative pregnancy tests and had started to get worried that at 38, maybe it wouldn't be as easy as it was the first time. The first time Chris just walked by me and I was with child. I was wrong cause I'd been pregnant all along and the dollar store pregnancy tests had just failed me. Karen was the first person I told cause I figured, what would it hurt? Chris will never know. I was so excited that I was going to bust so out it came.

I remember when Karen told me as it was kind of the same thing. Too excited to keep the news and she wasn't too far behind me as River is only three months or so older. It's nice to see them playing together now. Our boys have always played well together and I can only hope it will be the same for Jane and River. Both our girls are rockin beautiful blue eyes, which is nice. I was worried that River's would change like Owen's did. I always wanted a boy with brown eyes and a girl with crystal blue and that's just what I got. You can't beat a pair of beautiful blue eyes! Karen and I have always had a lot in common. Among other things like our lips and pasty skin, our girls are beautiful and our sons are pretty damn groovy!

It always makes me giggle to see River and Jane standing together because River is only in the 25% for weight but she looks like Mothra next to Jane. It makes me realize how long she is. She looks so tiny next to her brother that I forget how long she is.

Jane's Birthday party is this weekend and she's having a Garden Party, which I've been calling a Tea Party for weeks. They're pretty much the same thing, minus the tea, right?

Monday, April 5, 2010


Sometimes I think I'm pretty good at taking pictures. It's something I've always loved to do and have been doing it so long that taking my camera everywhere with me is second nature. It's just always there, like my wallet or my keys. I've always been much more creative than technical and I wouldn't have it any other way. Technique you can lean but you either have an eye for it or you don't. I don't complement myself often, but I have an eye and a deep love for it which helps.
I took pictures well before I had children and when I was in high school, my commercial art teacher, Mr. Ashworth (whom I still owe a great debt) told me that I should make a point to shoot everything, except pets and children because parents and pet owners are the only ones that care. While this may be true, I don't take photographs of my children for other people, I take them for me and because I know that someday, even if it's after I'm gone, they'll appreciate having amazing pictures of themselves.
I love when my children humble me because like everyone else, I need it from time to time. Today I was humbled when while taking pictures of my daughter I realized, yes I can take good pictures but the picture above and many others of my children are amazing photographs because my children are so breathtakingly beautiful.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter Sunday Fun

I may have romanticized the Easters from when I was a kid but I'm pretty sure I don't remember them starting out with my mother giving me the Heimlich maneuver on the kitchen floor. That's how our Easter Sunday started when my little angel thought it wise to load an entire Reese's Peanut Butter cup into his mouth bright and early this morning.

I should have known we were in for trouble when he came running into the kitchen this morning and as he ran past the table he turned his head to see the Easter basket and said, "Whoa!" It wasn't even his normal voice, it was lower like he was actually shocked that all that candy was sitting right there, out in the open.

I freaked out a bit mid Heimlich because nothing was coming out and starting beating him feverishly on the back. Once he started screaming from the Easter abuse I could see that the whole peanut butter cup was stuck to the roof of his mouth and he couldn't get it off. I was able to dig it out as he drooled chocolate onto his socks and my leg, and yes, that's just as disgusting as you'd think it would be. Once he stopped crying, he ran straight back to the Easter basket. Hair of the dog I guess.

Anyhoo, we had an Easter egg hunt in the backyard and Owen gathered up all of the eggs for him and River. After we made a BIG Easter breakfast with blueberry pancakes and maple bacon (I can't even tell you how long it's been since I had maple bacon) we decorated eggs on the deck. Owen seemed to really like seeing the colours and loading them into the egg carton.

After the kids took a nap, we went over to our friend Skeeter's house. Skeeter is Tammy's brother and Tammy has been my friend for years and she's Owen's Godmother. Great family and I wish I saw them more. I think my kids could benefit from it. Tammy's son has two absolutely beautiful daughters and Owen had a great time playing with the youngest, Caroline. The food was so good today that Owen made us pack him a box to take home. He whined just at the thought of us leaving food behind. Once we got home, I made him a plate, but he just sat by that damn Easter basket repeating "Candy, candy, candy, candy...." over and over. Which reminds me, I'm going to hide that damn basket now or I'll never get his ass on the school bus.

OK, basket hidden. Now that the day is done, I get to lay in bed with my laptop, my favorite red drink and Johnny Flynn and The Sussex Wit. Good times.

Tres Yummy!

Yes, I know I have issues but could he be any more yummy? I could watch this 100 times.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

In God We Trust

Why is it OK to use God to sell your shit or push your agenda? Why won't real Christians take offense to this? It turns me off when the first thing I learn about someone is that they're a Christian because if that's what your pushing, I know it isn't true.

We've had a pretty physical week, the kids and I and since River seemed to not be 100% we kept it simple this weekend. I don't think she could handle too much so we stayed close to the house and mostly away from other kids. Chris needed a work book from Border's so we took a trip to the Annapolis Mall today.

After lunch, getting what we came for and a new Twilight DVD for Momma, we headed home. On the way down Rt. 2, just past abortion row we saw a group of people hanging into the street waving signs that were the same colours as McDonald's. As we got closer and I could make out what they said, I realized that someone was running for senate and the other sign was just annoying as it had nothing to do with someone running for any elected office, In God We Trust. I immediately knew that I'd get home and Goggle this nonsense so I played a game with myself during the drive. I wanted to see how many preconceived notions about this person would turn out to be true. I do this often cause it always makes me giggle. Here's what I came up with:

He's white as the day is long
Blond hair
Married with a couple of kids that look more like Hitler's dream than anything else
Republican as all get out
He'll be sniffing the throne of the troops cause that works every time
Somewhere on his site it will say, "God bless our troops and God bless the United States of America!"

Turns out I was right on the mark for most of it. I didn't look up his kids cause I'm not that invested, but I bet I'm pretty accurate. The first line of his website sounds more like he's selling Amway products than running for Senate:

"This campaign is about Freedom, your desire to live free, your right to dream dreams and to pursue those dreams. Your desire to live in the Land of the Free is as natural as breathing."

I had to laugh because you know this jackass hates fags and believes they shouldn't have the FREEDOM to marry.

You know he believes he has the right to tell me what to do with my body because I shouldn't have the right to have the FREEDOM to choose my own way.

My favorite part of his website was when he listed all of his family members who were veterans of wars and then had the balls to put this comment at the end,

"They Never Boasted About their
Humble Service and Sacrifices for our Freedom"

Yeah, they never did it but you sure didn't have a problem using it for your campaign. You dragged their sacrifices front and center when you thought it might be beneficial to you. Ahhh, that's what freedom is REALLY all about.

Why can't you just run for office without using God as your campaign manager? Don't you think he's got other things to do? If I were God I'd be so tired of these people sniffing my ass all day for their own benefit. Are there really people out there who can think so little on their own that they see your God signs and vote for you blindly? Are there really people like that? Oh wait, George Bush was President for eight years, of course there are.

Also, it's April. The campaign is like 7 or 8 months away. What are you even doing waving your propaganda around like you're standing in front of a polling booth? You have to unseat Barbara Mikulski. Ha! Good luck with that!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Baltimore Zoo, Fun In The Backyard & NO Naps!

After yesterday I wasn't 100% sure that I was ready to spend another day on my feet. When my husband woke me this morning, my first instinct was to crack him in the mouth. However, I pushed myself knowing that it would be good for the kids and that Owen would get to spend another day with his friends and I got off my ass and drove to meet our friends for a trip to the Baltimore Zoo.

The weather was perfect and our friends are always a good time. The kids are a blast and Owen always has fun with them. There was an Easter function going on so everyone and their mother was there. Parking was a total bitch but at least we got there just before 10 AM because I imagine if you got there any later, you were in a world of hurt. We're also members so we didn't have to wait in line, which was a good thing because it stretched farther than my kids would have waited. We were able to ride the tram in but had to walk out at the end of the day which was really nothing. I didn't even know that was an option or I would have been doing it all along. Nothing like a walk up a hill at the end of the day to make you value your car.

I took over 500 pictures and even for me, that's a lot. Weeding through them was a pain in the ass and with all those pictures I took, I still think of the ones I missed. It's a sickness, really. I just feel bad because I messed up some pictures of the kids feeding the giraffes and there's one kid whose picture I didn't get. When the sun is really bright (not ideal for the best pictures) I can't see as well to make sure that the focus is on the subject as opposed to the trees behind them. It think my shitty eyesight is partly to blame and I hate it. Damn auto focus!

I think the best part for Owen was playing with his friends, some of them he never gets to see because their moms work. Running around with them was the highlight of his day. How am I not supposed to take pictures of that? Of course it was only the 2nd day since birth that River missed her nap, yesterday being the first for our trip to the Cherry Blossoms. She did great and was giggling as I put her down. Best disposition ever. No idea where that came from. We played in the backyard after dinner. River crawled around trying to not touch the grass cause she apparently hates it and Owen drove his new tractor. Good times.

At the end of the day, as we left the zoo, we followed Michelle home. I get lost going down a one way street so someone to follow is always a plus. It felt like we went a different way but it still looked like we drove through the back lot of The Wire. I saw a guy on a street corner put his hand in his pants while on a cell phone and hold his junk. He's on a friggen street corner! Also, it's hot so ewwwww....

While we're on the subject, riddle me this; Martin Luther King Jr. was all about peace and non violent protest and even won the Noble Peace Prize for his work to end racial segregation and racial discrimination through civil disobedience and other non-violent means. So, why is it that Martin Luther King Boulevard is the shittiest place to be in any city? Seriously, drive to ANY city and then find MLK Boulevard and tell me what you see. Cause today I saw a pregnant 12 year old, a weave so bad that I could see tracks from my van, no less that 12 liquor stores, and people hanging out of windows and sitting on porches drinking things wrapped in paper bags. Such a cliche. Be original and stop having babies if you can't afford a decent stroller! I'm all about free will but Jesus, think of the kids you're popping out who are going to have to live on MLK Boulevard. It's a cycle people!

And for God's sake, put your junk away!