Thursday, February 25, 2010

Separation of My Foot From Your Ass. It's Closer Than You Think

"When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross."

Sinclair Lewis

How very Republican it is to tell me in one sentence that we should respect the people who fight for the freedoms we have in this country and then in the same sentence tell me that if we don't like how things are done here,that we should get out. WTF? How is that freedom? What backwoods ass one room school did you go to? Put your teeth back in and back away from Jerry Springer long enough to think that through. How this idiot got a job at Fox News I'll never know, oh wait.....

Apparently a middle school girl in Germantown refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance at school and her teacher yelled at her and called her stupid while other students berated her. When she remained seated a second day, the teacher had her escorted to the Principal's office by two rent-a- cops and was told to apologize to the teacher. Even in middle school I would have told the Principal to bend over and kiss my ass but I understand that not all 13 year olds are like I was so I'm sure she probably did it.


If anyone ever had either of my children escorted from their school by Barney Fife or anyone else and then forced them to apologize to a teacher who was obviously out of line, I'd be on the steps of that school board before they could say, Oh shit, that wasn't her kid, was it?? I can assure you that the media would be the least of their worries because I'd carve a new asshole in everyone involved big enough to shove a burning flag into. My point is, while I don't think burning the flag is something you should be doing, it isn't illegal and neither is keeping your ass in your seat. If you don't feel something for whatever reason, why should you, at any age, do it just to make other people feel more comfortable? That's ridiculous! That's what you think our country is based on? We have gone way overboard in politican correctness.

Whether or not she chose to stand is something she and her parents should discuss because that is what is appropriate. The overstepping teacher should be fired for treating a student that way and having her removed for her personal beliefs.

I think we should change "In God we Trust" to "Mind Your Own Fucking Business"

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Road Less Traveled

Because Owen turned three yesterday, I had to take him to his three year well check at his Pediatricians’s office. It used to be an easy visit. He’d laugh and giggle while she weighed and measured him and then checked his ears before giving him a sticker, which he never really cared about and we’d be on our way as he downed Puffs, Goldfish or whatever other snack was handy, but it’s not like that anymore.

Now when we go in, it is impossible to do any of those things without some fancy foot work. Owen totally loses his shit when I take his shirt, pants or shoes off. I have no idea why. I used to think it was just a control issue but this kid just does not like to be naked. After the nurse checks us in they tell me to leave his pants and shirt off til the doctor comes. Negative. If it took the doctor 15 minutes to come in, I’d have to sit through 15 minutes of his freaking out and crying, with real tears. I just strip him when she comes in so we get to start all over. Good times.

Anyway, we were able, with some trickery on my part, to get his measurements and at three, he’s 46 pounds, 42 inches and he’s in the 97%! He hasn’t been on the charts since he was 9 months old! Although I hope I never run into this mutant 3% because I just can’t imagine a kid bigger than Owen. He’s so strong that it was like wrestling with a cheetah to get him to not kick the nurse during his flu mist. When he got his H1N1 mist a few month back, he kicked the male doctor in the juju beads! I know it had to hurt but I kinda saw it coming so maybe he should have prepared better.

After the appointment, I had to buy him a few things for school so I took him to the Mall. We went to Stride Rite first to get it out of the way. I knew he needed shoes and I knew that he’d freak when I took his shoes off. He cried/screamed the whole time we were in that fucking store and I wanted to kick him when no one was looking. I didn’t, but wanted to.

I bought him new groovy shoes, which I’m sure everyone else will hate, like I care. It’s nice to shop for him when I’m alone so I can dress him a little more hip than others usually allow. I took him to H&M to get a few things and ended up getting more for River off of the $5 rack, but he got a cool Rolling Stones shirt. I also bought a Stones shirt for River and some cute dresses. A guy that worked there stopped Owen and showed him to his co-workers. He thought Owen’s hair was the coolest thing he’d ever seen. They all agreed that I should never cut his hair. It’s always nice to hear this as I get so much crap from the older crowd about how Owen’s hair “should be.” I think people should worry more about teaching their kids to not judge people who take a road less traveled than they do about the length of my son’s beautiful hair.

What people seem to not understand is that I don't care what you think. I'm not embarrassed when you think my son is a girl. I just can't bring myself to give two shits about what you think about the length of my son's hair. Is that what normal people think about all day? Really? No thanks. Society doesn't dictate the hair cuts or lack there of in my home. I've never done anything because I'm supposed to, so why would I start now?

So take that!

Monday, February 22, 2010

My Baby Boy Is Three!

Full of happiness and smiles as he spent the morning with one of his best friends at the Train museum, running around getting filthy and busting his lip on the walkway. He only cried for a minute and he was off while the blood was still on his bottom lip. He miles more than any kid I’ve met, other than his little sister.

After the train museum, we came home for a nap, which he never took and then went out to dinner at the Texas Roadhouse for his Birthday. It’s the perfect place for a kid like Owen cause it’s like a big barn so the noise he makes is hardly noticed. This was especially helpful tonight as he ran around yelling, laughing and acting like a crazy person who just got out of prison. He seemed to spend more time under the table than he did in his seat. I even let him drink a chocolate milk that was so dark t looked more like Virginia mud that any milk I’d ever seen.

I think he had a great day today and spent the last few minutes of the day surrounded by all the toys he got at his Birthday party. He loves every one of them. After we put him to bed, he cried out “fish, fish, fish” over and over. I thought he wanted a snack until I opened the door and he ran out and grabbed the big stuffed fish he got as a gift.

He is an awesome kid!

Three years ago I didn’t know a boy could have such beautiful hair.
Three years ago I didn’t know I’d be buying a backpack for such a young boy.
Three years ago I didn’t realize my son would say “goodbye” to his playgroups so soon.
Three years ago I didn’t know I could be so proud of my special little boy.

Yay Owen!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Best Buy Smells Like Cat Piss

Our local Best Buy closed in January because they were moving to a new store across the street. I was kind of excited about it because hey, new store. I went in for the first time last week with the kids and I noticed when I walked in that it smelled funny. I gave the store the benefit of the doubt and looked around anyway, but the smell followed me. Owen was being an ass so we left and when I got home, I washed all of the clothes I was wearing thinking maybe I spilled something on myself and the smell was me. I should have known it wasn’t but I was covering all of my bases. Maybe River threw up on me when I wasn’t looking. Tonight I discovered how wrong I was.

We decided after Owen’s party to get out of the house for a bit. Neither kid really napped because of the excitement of the day so they were driving us coo-coo. I am in the market for a new laptop and going to look around sounded like a good way to pass thr time. Chris hadn’t been yet and we figured, what the hell. As soon as we walked through the big glass doors, it was clear. Best Buy smells like cat piss.

I don’t just mean a little pee in the corner. It smells so bad that it is distracting. How anyone works there is beyond me. I know I can be overly sensitive to things like this so I tried to let it go while we looked around. I finally said something to my husband and a lady overheard and agreed that the whole place smelled like soiled kitty panties. They must know that it reeks in there. Why don’t they do something about it? When a family walks in your store and the first thing that is said is, “This is a good place for a stick up,” it’s time to do something about it.

We decided then and there that our late night trips to Best Buy to see if any good movies have come out are over. It’s just too nasty. I felt like we were walking through an old trailer.

I feel dirty.

My Baby's Birthday Party!

Today we celebrated Owen’s 3rd Birthday! We had a party with a Cars theme, which he really seemed to enjoy. It was a lot more low key than the party we had for River, in part because I cooked nothing. The only part of the day that sucked was the parking because of all the snow and ice that is still covering our yard and every un-shoveled part of our neighborhood.

I made a great Cars cake for the party and bought trays of sandwiches that Owen seemed to like. Probably the best food was the deviled eggs I made. I don’t think you can go wrong with deviled eggs. They totally rocked and were much better than I remember them being.

Most of Owen’s friends came and it was so good to see them all and feel relaxed. He ran around the whole time like he was coming down from a crack high. He has a big truck from Cars and two small Doc and Lightening McQueen cars that he loves and carried them around for most of the day. God forbid someone tried to touch them because he freaked every time someone looked at them for too long.

After everyone left, we tried to put him down for a nap, but it was a joke. We decided to make trip to Best Buy (see next post) and then back home for dinner. Owen ate more sandwiches and River had pasta and grapes. I don’t know if River ate too much or maybe she’d had her fill with the stuff she’d eaten all day, but somewhere near the end of her dinner, she threw up. I mean Linda Blair threw up. I was waiting for her head to spin around. It was such a long, slow release that my husband just sat there and watched the stream of chunkiness. I, at least tried to grab some paper towels. Even Owen got involved as he ran towards River yelling, “Oh shit! River’s food!!”


We haven’t even opened his presents yet!

I can’t believe my baby is three! Maybe it’s time for his first haircut. We’ll see.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Remember Me

Today is Remember Me trailer day and I thought I'd share since you have no idea how much I can't wait to see this damn movie. It doesn't come out until March 12th and I've known about it far too long and have the script at my hot little fingertips but have refused to read it so I wouldn't spoil it for myself. This is almost impossible for the addictive type, trust me.

Ahhh, I just love him!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Super Walmart!

As any chick who is addicted to Twilight knows, New Moon comes out next month so I needed to motor if I wanted to preorder it. I checked all the places that had it offered for preorder including Best Buy, Amazon and even Walmart. There is a special Fan Edition DVD set that they only sell at Walmart so I felt like I had to go check it out. Now I’m from Tennessee where Walmart is what you do on Sundays so I grew up really liking Walmart, but what a huge nasty trailer park like warehouse it has become. I also love how the farther north you go, the shittier the “Super” Walmart becomes.

In Nashville, a Super Walmart is a huge Walmart where they basically take a regular Walmart and stick a grocery store on it. Here, they shrink every section of the regular shitty Walmart and add a shitty grocery store on to it, like we won’t notice. So, because they do that, if I am looking for something specific, I have to go to the old Walmart because they’re more apt to have it. The “old” Walmart in this area is a death trap. They have most of the walkway cordoned off because the canopy is caving in. There is nothing safe about this shithole and really it looks more like a crime scene than a place you’d take your kids to buy milk. Not to mention that I feel like we should be dodging bullets just to get into the damn store, but I needed to pre order this special New Moon so I braved it, sans kids.

Chris waited in the car with our brood while I went in alone. It took me forever to get to the front door because of the crime scene tape blocking every walkway. There’s nothing that makes you feel more like a loser than dodging cars in snowy weather, just to get into Walmart. I felt like I should have been wearing one of those shirts with my name airbrushed over the ocean. This place is the redneck Riviera.

Since I’d risked my life to get into the store, I decided to walk back to their “audio/visual” section where I fully expected to see 8-tracks and VHS tapes in this frozen in time cliché. I wanted this edition of New Moon so bad that I figured it was worth it. WRONG! I asked a woman (I think) if they had New Moon and she looked right at me with her lazy eye and through all four of her teeth said, “What’s a New Moon?” Ahhh, I thought Nashville had the market cornered on vile backwoods teethless wonders, but I guess you can run but you can’t hide. I mean, would it kill her to pick up a newspaper? At what age does that “out of touch” shit start cause I don’t want any part of it. While not a fan of most music and movies that are out today, at least I’ve heard of them and can usually carry on a conversation if someone brings it up. How you don’t know what New Moon is in 2010 is beyond me, even if you hate it. Hell, Burger King had a promotion when the movie came out on November. This woman looked like she’d met the King once or 500 times so there really was no excuse for her ignorance OR her teeth.

I tried to be the bigger person (which is rare) and let it go but her toothless reaction made me giggle. I couldn’t help myself.

All that and they didn't even have it. I came home and was able to buy it online. Hopefully their online is better than the store. It has to be, right?

Ok, I must go, Twilight is on Showtime again. Priorities people!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Never Again!

I always make fun of my husband for being a bit hoytie toytie and since he is, I never really feel bad about it. I mean he isn’t over the top with it. He just only eats certain brands. I get the Hellmann mayonnaise thing but only eating Del Monte vegetables because Homer Simpson does, is just stupid.

I do not love many things but I can talk all day about things that I hate. This may be my own hoytie toytie moment and I have no problem admitting that. I have hated Shoppers Food Warehouse since I moved to Maryland in 1992. It was the only market I could get to so I had to go there for my food and I hated it. It was like a big dirty Kmart for food. I hated it so much that when I moved, I purposely didn’t move anywhere where I’d have to go to one regularly. In fact, I haven’t been to one since. It always skeeved me and since I’ve had the ability to go anywhere, I’ve always gone somewhere else, even if I had to drive farther.

Well the blizzard of 2010 hit this weekend and we were running out of diapers, wipes, milk, bread and everything else we seem to use on a daily basis. I ventured out to Babies R Us tonight by myself so we wouldn’t have to take the kids. I bought the diaper and wipes and then since Shoppers Food Warehouse is connected to it, I just walked over. I must say that I had a deep conversation with myself about the NEED to go to Shoppers. I tried to convince myself that driving to Giant was OK and that the roads weren’t that bad. In the end, the mother in me won over and I went into Shoppers because it was the safest thing to do.

BIG MISTAKE! That place is just the shit hole that I remember. When I walked in the door and saw the big display of salt and vinegar pork rinds, I should have turned around then. Who eats that shit? I certainly don’t want to know but a display for pork rinds, really? Also, every single thing I was looking for was priced higher than it is at Giant or even Safeway. Don’t even get me started on the social rejects they have working there. Do I want my Goldfish in a bag? Who asks that? No, please take them out and allow me to carry each one of them in my fucking mouth! By the time I got to checkout and was asked that question, I almost doubled over in laughter and actually asked the girl if I was in the Twilight Zone. I looked around for a camera. I couldn’t believe people are really that stupid. Seriously, that place is the armpit of grocery stores. By the time I got out of there, I felt so dirty that I almost felt moist. I just needed to bathe.

As if that wasn’t enough, an odd man touched my arm to ask me a question that was just this side of gibberish. I never figured out what he wanted and was able to make him go away by moving my arm away from him and saying “Ohhh, no touching.” He grimaced and walked away. I’m pretty sure he was wearing a wig as well. Fucking spooky. I was glad once I was out in the dark parking lot. I felt safe again.

You know in movies when people disappear and they never find them? I always thought that they have their brains sucked out and are taken some place to wander around aimlessly, chewing on their lips constantly and scratching the dandruff from their hair while stumbling and mumbling around. Now I know where those fuckers go.

Never again, Shoppers Food, never again.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Jack Frost 1, Michelle 0

This is bullshit. Why do we have a need for 25 inches of snow? It isn’t even like it’s finished vomiting icy goodness on us. It’s supposed to snow all day and into the night. Thank God for the guy who lives two doors down who snow plowed the sidewalks all the way up the street. He fell out of a tree when we first moved here and they weren't sure he'd walk again. I'm glad it worked out cause that shit would have taken Chris all day long with a shovel. We’ve totally got to get one of those after the season is over. I’m sure if we tried to buy one now, we’d get hosed. I think it’s better to wait til not everybody is hunting for one.

Our poor dog is so confused. I let her out at midnight last night and she just wondered around the deck trying to get down the stairs that looked more like a ski slope. She gave up and finally pooped on the deck, which was what I really wanted her to do. I knew she’d fall down the stairs and then not be able to get back up. I wasn’t interested in carrying a 104-pound dog up 6 steps and shoveling her ass a route at 12 AM was out of the question. The wind was whippin up something fierce. The one good thing about snow is that it can be really pretty, especially right before it gets dark. I love tricking my camera and getting better shots.

Owen seemed to have a good time running around and shoveling. It’s all fun and games now but somehow I think when he’s 15 and I tell him to do it, I’ll get lip. I mean he’s still gonna do it but it will probably be less fun with your mother shooting darts through the window with her eyeballs. Less fun for him anyway.

I couldn’t really take River out. There was no place that I could sit her down and I didn’t think she really cared anyway. I let her touch the snow and she didn’t seem to thrilled with it. Tomorrow when the snow is through, I’ll take her out in the wagon or something for pictures.

Nothing says I love you like taking pictures of your husband from the warmth of the inside while he shovels through two feet of a snow filled driveway. I like to document the moments as he shovels himself into a vile mood. Hey, I offered to help.

Ok, the snow finally stopped and we’re at 28 inches and that’s the flat part. The drifts aren’t even human.

Also, snowed in on Super Bowl Sunday? Is there no God?

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Channeling My Soul

Before I got sick in December, I got my old laptop out. It isn't really old but I haven't used this laptop since I quit my job, before Owen was born. He'll be three next month so it was long overdue. When I opened it, and saw my favorite black and white photograph of Simon Lebon laying seductively against the back of cloth covered high back chair , I knew I'd found an old friend.

Simon Lebon was my first crush. I've loved him since I was 10 years old. He has done some dumb shit over the years, but he can do no wrong in my eyes. When I was very young, my girlfriends and I would get together and throw a Birthday party on his birthday. We made cakes and some of his favorite foods. It usually involved a slumber party and staying up all night to watch Duran Duran videos. Then we'd go to sleep in our Duran Duran t-shirts with our heads resting on our coveted Duran Duran pillowcases. Ahhhh, a simpler time.
Thirty or so concerts later, I still love Duran Duran and they will forever be my favorite band and guilty pleasure. I think my days of following them are done as the visual is a lot less attractive with a one year old strapped in a Bjorn, hanging from my chest, but the memories are good.

There was also something else I found on this laptop after a far too long separation. I found a story I began to write, probably before I even met my husband. I had a dream and I’d come into work and written it out on my laptop during the quiet hours of the falling housing market. Trust me, I had the time. I wrote maybe five or so pages about the dream as well and I’m glad I did. I was able to pick it back up again after all these years. Now I’m over a hundred pages in and I’m pissed I hadn’t done this sooner. I should have never stopped writing. I’m not sure what it will turn into but I’m excited to find out.

I write as much as I can which right now means at night when the kids go to bed. I’m surprised I’m having so much fun doing it as I never really thought that I could. While I’m not writing about myself, I kind of fall into that world when I write, which makes it easier and more natural. I do include small things from my own life here and there to make it my own, but the girl I’m writing about is different in so many ways. Things seem to come easier to her because she’s more open to it. She loves art though, I could never leave that out.

We’ll see.