Thursday, October 8, 2009

Colonoscopy


At some point in just about every one's life, they'll have to have one. I'm 39 and this is my second. I hated it seven years ago when I had my first and I hated it again today. Although, I have to say this one didn't suck quite as bad.

Before any procedure where I will be put to sleep, twilight or otherwise, I have a frank conversation with the anaesthesiologist. I tell them two things. 1, I get very nauseous and often throw up when waking from anesthesia so please give me something for nausea. 2, I have a phobia about people touching and/or covering my face. I tell them to please wait for me to fall asleep before they cover my face or get near my face to give me oxygen. I really don't think these things are too much to ask and I figure it's best to be upfront about them as opposed to kicking a nurse when a mask is placed over my face, which is what happened last time.

It all started when I was five. I was in the hospital to have my tonsils removed. This was 1975 so things were a little different. You had to stay over night back then and I think I even stayed two nights. I remember being wheeled out of my room for the procedure and being very scared. At some point, the Dr (or whomever) put a mask over my face and I freaked out, kicked the Dr. between the eyes and broke his glasses. I was only 5, so I was blameless but people are a little less forgiving when you're 35. This is why I go out of my way to tell everyone that this happens and I have no control over it. I don't want any sass if I kick you in the face after I've warned you that I will kick you in the face and told you how to prevent it.

Thankfully, this time they listened. They gave me medicine for nausea before I even fell asleep and didn't put the oxygen on until I was asleep. Perfect! When I woke up, I was obviously groggy and mumbling about my kids dancing, but except for a little shakiness and an upset stomach, I felt OK. I think the upset stomach was left over from the crap they make you drink the day before. On a good day, I HATE Gatorade. I think it tastes like backwash from a real drink and since it's full of sugar, I can't figure out why people drink it so much. Not to mention the crap I had to pour into it. 64 ounces of Gatorade is like a nightmare. 64 ounces of Gatorade mixed with something that makes it taste like a salty, flat Sprite is just blasphemous.


I survived.

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