Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I have two children. I have nursed both of them and I have failed miserably both times. If anyone ever says that nursing is easy, they are lying through their teeth.

My nursing with Owen started out just like anyone else's nursing. You take a class but really have no idea what the hell you're doing. It's the best frame of mind to be in when you're trying to teach a brand new person the ropes. So, you do what they tell you, feed, pump, feed, pump and everything seems to be going OK. The you wake up in the middle of the night with a pain like someone is killing you from the inside out. A trip to the ER later, you discover a kidney stone. This is probably the same kidney stone you told your OB you had only 2 months before while still pregnant, but no one believed you. After another trip to the ER later, they schedule you to have it blasted out cause it's just "too big to pass." So three weeks later after being on three different medicines, one being dilaudid, you have said stone removed and then they tell you that you can nurse your baby again. Yeah right, he'd been getting take out for three weeks! Why would he want to eat at home? He didn't and it ruined my nursing experience with my son. I vowed it would be different the second time around as it would be my last.

When River was born, I was gung ho! I knew what to do and how to do it and I would not fail! Except I did. I didn't take into account that I would be so sick after my c-section. When it came time to nurse her, I was so sick and throwing up so violently that I couldn't even hold her. She needed to eat so they supplemented her. I started to feel a bit better in the hospital and I was able to eat a bit and nurse her as well. When I got home I couldn't eat for about 2 months. I was sick to my stomach and the thought of food made me feel ill. I ate the bare minimum and my nursing suffered. Anything I did eat made it's way out with lightening speed and it was impossible to stay on top of it to get her and myself what we needed. River will be 6 months old in five days and I am still not right. I've been to many doctors and even went to a new one today so we'll see. River has really started packing on the potatoes and is bouncing back from dropping into the 10%, which was really scary for us. Even though I really tried as hard as I could to nurse properly both times, I will always feel bad that I couldn't do a better job. It was very important to me and I wasn't able to do it and I was hurt by that.

I am still nursing but it's almost more for myself than for her. I just love it so much so if it is only 5 minutes that I get here and there, it is worth it for me. She gets her nutrients from formula but the time I'm able to spend with her while nursing supplements me so I'll do it as long as she'll allow.

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