Saturday, October 27, 2012

To the World That Never Really Let You Be

"You are only honest in your photographs" he said...

"And you never did learn to let the little things go
 And you never did learn to let me be
 And you never did learn to let little people grow
 And you never did learn how to see"

Friday, August 31, 2012

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Trois!

"You can't lie to your soul."

Never in all my years have I been so happy to see August 31st.  I know I probably say that every year but this year was especially tough.  "31 days of Self Portraits" was a long road this year.  Self reflection is always a good thing but that doesn't mean you're always in the place for it.  My mind was so many other places and on so many different things that finishing this project (only missing one day when I dropped my Droid into the ocean) seemed impossible,  Too much going on to spend 30 minutes or more thinking about myself and it was not only tough to get together but emotionally exhausting.  I just didn't have it in me.

With both kids out of school today I took them out for the day so we wouldn't have to sit around the house.  Owen is getting over Croup and River is just starting in on something.  Both kids (and me) were up all night.  There was a lot of whining and hacking involved and I slept between them in Owen's bed while they both wrapped their hot little bodies around me.  I was so comfortable but I took one for the team and in doing so, god almost zero sleep.  Of course the kids we up bright and early which just confuses the hell out of me.  I got them though, I ignored the hell out of the pitter patter of little feet until I just couldn't anymore. I needed to at least attempt to get a few more minutes in before I joined the living.

So, as opposed to taking two kids who didn't feel all that great to the park where they could run themselves down, we went to the mall with promises of Auntie Anne's pretzels and strawberry lemonade.  This is a real treat for them because I don't let them drink juice on the regular and often refuse them at the mall but I was feeling generous and I wanted them to come willingly while I found something cute, black and plain to wear to an upcoming wedding.  Harder than you might think to find such a frock.

Now I love my kids, don't get me wrong but to say that they were anything less than little assholes at the mall would be a total lie. They argued with each other, snapped at me, River actually hit me in the stomach at one point.  Now I know she was quickly sorry for this when I grabbed her drink from the other hand and slammed dunked it into the trash can but by that point the damage was done.  I wanted to scream and River whined all the way back to her car seat about her fucking drink as I chanted to myself...

I do not spank my children.....
I do not spank my children.....
I do not beat my children.......
I do not spank my children....

I didn't even react when River kept feeling up all the mannequins...

I was able to contain myself by finding my happy place which is a 12 hour car trip away right now and we headed home.  Perhaps the kids just weren't up to a trip to the mall.  I meant well and thought they would like it but once I mentioned a possible pretzel, they saw red and didn't want to do anything else and Owen kept bitching for the stroller.  Lesson learned.  Offer them nothing and make them go anyway.

Anyhoo,  we made it out of the mall and all the way home with a healthy dose of elevated Sirus radio.  River whined, I turned it up.  It needed to happen before my time alone became a mad dash to the boarder.

When we got home there was a box in the mailbox and a box on the porch.  Both had been delivered while we were out.  I had ordered Owen a new pair of blue slip on Chucks for school and the Ray Bans I had ordered for my birthday finally came.  This is the first time I have ever owned a pair of sunglasses that cost over $29 and colour me excited!  They're the Jackie O glasses and they are fucking perfect!  I can roll my eyes back into my head and not a single soul would have any idea!  Do something stupid!  I'm totally prepared now!

Please don't hate.  I'm a firm believer that all hot guys wear Oakleys and that chicks should wear Ray Bans.  I get that these aren't the glasses that most think of when they think of Ray Bans but Wayfarer have just been done to death.

So, this is me today, hanging out with the boy in the backyard again and kissing the sky that I don't have to do this tomorrow!  Yay me!  31 days of self- portraits is no more!!

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.”

Thursday, August 30, 2012

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Trois!

"Mind so sharp I fuck around and cut my head off!"

Ahhh, summer is over.  I'm not going to lie and say I didn't cry buckets this morning when I dropped my youngest little angel off at Pre-K because I did.  I'm not going to say I didn't run out of that school almost knocking another mom over on my way out because I did.  I'm also not going to say that I didn't sit in my car and search out music that wouldn't make me feel bad for leaving my daughter behind because I did that too.  But I will say that I know she'll be okay.  She barely acknowledged me when I left, which is as it should be.

Not sure what upsets me so much about leaving her behind.  I know it's a good school with good teachers.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I can't have more children and she is my last.  This is our last first, first day of school.  I'm so proud of her and I know she will make friends.  I hope so anyway.  She's a lot like me after all.

See?  Is that me or what?  I think she's actually trying to look hard.

I spent the morning doing what I can't do when I have the kids with me.  I listened to the most inappropriate music I could get my hands on and I went to my favorite park on the water that has the coolest wall on the front side of an armory just off the water.  I talked to a friend and watched people fish and boats go by.  This is the same place I took Owen's Pre-K graduation photo. It's beautiful there when I have time to stop and look.  This morning my pick for foul mouth hooligan, Lil Wayne.  I have no explanation for it, but I just love him!

Owen's Pre-K gradualtion photo.

The best part is when I got back to River's school to pick her up, the director, who I know because Owen went there as well asked me what I did with my morning alone, so I told her.  "I listened to inappropriate music and screamed obscenities from my car!"  She laughed and I said "Oh no, I'm serious."  Thank God she has a sense of humor.

I ordered a few things for myself for my birthday. A pair of Ray Bans because I've never had sunglasses that cost over $29. I am tired of shitty sunglasses. The glasses I bought are the Jackie O edition if that gives you any idea what they look like. Hot guys should wear Oakleys. Women should wear Ray Bans. That's just my opinion.

I also ordered a telephoto and a wide angle lens and a few filters, all which came today. I'm going to have so much fun with these bitches! I'm a simple girl but new lenses push me over the edge into ecstasy faster than just about anything else.

So, this is me today, staring directly into the sun with very little sqintage.  It's harder than you might think and if you don't believe me, take your ass outside and try it.  Get back to me.

I hadn't planned to use this one but of the three that were my favorite today, this one was technically best so that's why it won. I posted the others bellow.  I think I made the right choice.  Also, if I get one more message telling me I'd be so much prettier if I smiled, I will beat the ever living shit out of something that moves!  My children smile, that's enough.  I am at peace with that.

I had a really great morning by myself, well, me and Lil' Wayne and then of course the Smiths.  What an odd collection of  music I love!  I even listened to the Carpenter's on Sirus today.  Her voice was amazing!


"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be."

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Trois!

I didn't sleep well last night.  I knew I wouldn't but I hadn't expected to cry myself to sleep with worry over my son's first day of Kindergarten.  Turns out, that's exactly what happened.  I am a worrier but leaving my 5 year old by himself when he is still not totally capable of expressing himself makes me feel ill.  I tried not to think about that as I left him standing on the curb with a stranger, carrying a backpack that made him look more like a regular size 5 year old than the beast he really is.  I also tried not to think about it as I almost drove onto the curb because I couldn't see through my tears.

BUT, I did it.  I know I have to so I  just tried to let go a little which is not what I do well.  He was nervous, I could tell but he seemed excited as well.  He looked back and reached for me as he stepped out of the car and that was my undoing.  I had a PTO breakfast just after and I had to pull over and cry it out on the way.  Like an ass I wore liquid eyeliner.  I mean I've been wearing that shit for 20 years, you think I could have worked that out by now.

I take a photo of my kids together every morning before school.  This is the first one for this year.  From here on out I will probably take most of them in front of the fence at the house since they're going to different schools but we'll play it by ear.  I really like the idea of this wall behind them.  We'll see....

After I abandoned my only son and finished up with the PTA breakfast River and I headed to the park because she seemed to be missing her brother and when she is in a shitty mood, we're all in a shitty mood.  I thought the breeze off the Chesapeake Bay might do her some good.  Also, I brought my win....

We reflected and talked about how much we missed Owen.  She must have said "I want to go get Owen" fifteen times today and it made my heart hurt but I kept her busy.  She may understand a little more after I drop her off at Pre-K for the first time tomorrow.

We had fun.  She was kept busy and only bitched that the sun was too bright two or three times.  I had forgotten her sunglasses so lesson learned.

It really was a very beautiful and bright day and when we were there the high tide hadn't totally come in so we were able to go down on the sand.

River covers her ears is she is uncomfortable.  IE, water rushing towards her. I'm trying to break her of it so she'll stop ruining my photos but we're still working on it.  Baby steps.

We picked Owen up from school and I have to say, the stupidity of others never ceases to amaze me.  I mean what is so hard to understand about line up and do not pass?  Some chick almost pinned me between her car and mine when I had to get out to strap Owen in.  It looked so peaceful when we first got there but all hell broke loose when the kids came out.  The school did a fine job.  It's the parents, like always.  You'd need to lobotomize some people to get them to follow directions.  All I know is that if you hit me or my kid and you will need to find your happy place for the rest of your life when you hear my name.

I bought the kids Popsicles to celebrate the great day.  I love how the first thing my kids do when they get home is practically get naked.  Makes me proud!

We had a really good day and just when I though it couldn't get any better, my friend sends me this.  I'll be honest, I didn't think he had it in him but how beautiful is that friggen butterfly??

So, this is me today with River, having a "I sure do miss Owen"day.

Do I really have to do this all over again tomorrow? Sigh......

"That's the trouble with the world, too many people grow up."

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Trois!

I am so tired of looking at myself.  I mean I know I promised myself that I would do this, but Jesus, I'm over it.  Every year about this time I regret making this promise to myself and this year is especially hard.  Too much going on right now.  Too many other things to concentrate on.

River started school today and seemed to really enjoy it.  She helped clean up and listened to the teacher.  I'll be honest, I DID NOT see that coming but happy days!  I got her paperwork finished and her tote bag ready.  She seemed to like carrying it.  I think it made her feel like a big girl.

After we left her school we headed to Annapolis where Owen got his first trim.  We'd originally planned to cut it off before Kindergarten but he really didn't want it so I just had them cut the tips off.  He seems pleased with it.  The place we went had Lego Star Wars running on the PlayStation.  That's why Owen looked mesmerized in these photos.

After that we had to go to Owen's P/T conference.  It was the first one and although I've met this teacher before, there were some things about Owen and his learning that she didn't know so I made sure to fill her in.  He starts tomorrow.  His backpack, snack and lunch are ready.  He seemed a little stressed all day today and said to me as I was putting him to bed "I wish Momma's could come to school too." 

I know he will have a good time but it takes him a while to adjust so I feel for him.  This is one of those things that I have to step away from and let him handle it.  I don't do that well and I just know I will cry like a newborn baby but it has to happen.  I will consider it a success if I can get away from the school before I let loose.  He would be a mess if he saw me cry.

Then I get to do it all over again on Thursday with River.  Sigh.....long week.

This is me today, dreading tomorrow.  Owen going to Kindergarten is much tougher for me than River going to Pre-K and all who know us well know why.  A child with special needs is different.  Not in the way they laugh or play but in the way you love them and in the way you wrap your soul around theirs.  They need it.  River flies without looking back and I'm proud of her, Owen needs more coaching and loving so feeling like I'm leaving him when he feels like he needs me, even if it is what must be done is heart wrenching.  I know I am doing the right thing but that doesn't make it any easier.

Oh how I longed to stay with him

And keep him by the hand

To lead him through the places

That he couldn’t understand.

And something closely kin to fear

Was mingled with my pride.

I knew he would no longer be

A baby by my side.

But he must have his chance to live,

To work his problems out,

The privilege to grow and learn

What life is all about.

And I must share my little boy

With friends and work and play;

He’s not a baby anymore –

He’s in Kindergarten today.

Monday, August 27, 2012

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Trois!

Flustered.  That's how I spent the majority of my day.  A friend did something early on and it has yet to leave me. I'm rarely flustered but I spent the majority of today giggling like a twelve year old, dropping everything I touched and driving the wrong way down an Interstate I should know well.  Even my kid was looking at me like, WTF momma?

I started out the morning slicing my finger with a Pampered Chef knife while I tried to make breakfast for my babies.  They should market those bitches as flesh cutters because they are sharp as hell.

River starts school tomorrow so Owen and I spent the day with her, doing things that won't be as easy once she is in school.  I did this with Owen when he was three and I cherish the time.  I have no idea what her being in school will be like for her but she seems excited.  I don't have to leave her there because it's only an hour and all the parents stay.  I have to cancel Owen's P/T conference for tomorrow because Chris is out of town so he can be closer to BT in Virginia.    Hopefully they'll still let me come to River's class tomorrow with Owen in tow.  I've got no place to leave him on short notice.  I need a personal assistant or a stalker or something.....

Having my daughter's very first day of school ever be the day after the school shooting at Perry Hall, not cool.  That's just too damn close and the things I'm hearing about it are heart wrenching. I had been fully clothed and ready to walk out the door when I heard about it.  Odd how a friend from Tennessee was the one who first told me in the first place.  I sat on the bed and watched the coverage until I couldn't anymore.  It stressed me out.  I needed to stop watching a school shooting 30 minutes from my house so I could go and buy my daughter's school supplies.  That's a problem if the 2000s.

We ran errands, tried to get Owen's haircut at a place that is closed on Mondays and then stopped by a store where I found the cutest bra ever! I mean is this not the cutest thing ever?

If you wear anything over a C cup, you're screwed.  I want smaller boobs.  I just want to wear a cute bra.  Is that so wrong?  I want that fucking bra.  I'm totally gonna stalk the net for for it.  Fucking D cups!

After that I hung out in the backyard with the kids.  I tried to take a photo of Owen and I together but he wouldn't do it without Darth Vader's ship in the photo. Whateves.  We were together.  I don't care about the ship.

Then we sat in the cool grass as the sun disappeared and I took photos of this giganto mushroom that has been slowly growing in the side yard.  No fantasizing 'shrooms, I just love the HUGE ones that grow in my yard.  Also, how often do you see a mushroom from underneath??

 Then I ticked my babies into bed.  When they wake up in the morning, one of them will be a pre-schooler!!

So this is me today, in the back yard with my babies on a beautiful day having a really hard time not laughing.  That never happens.  Good day.

"You learn something every day if you pay attention."

Sunday, August 26, 2012

It's All About Me ~ In Pictures Part Trois!

So much stress.

With my mind still on our friend in a hospital in Virginia I tucked a coughing son in bed last night and didn't think too much about it.  I had trouble sleeping but lately that isn't news but I did fall asleep until I woke up in the wee hours of the morning to a whimpering I could hear coming down the hall.  I knew that sound.

I ran to Owen's room just in time to hear him cry out, "Momma, I can't talk like normal people!"  He was hoarse, snotty and crying and the coughing he was doing was undeniably croupy.  We'd been here before but it's been like three years so I didn't see it coming.  Before Owen's second birthday we'd visited this croup bullshit ten times.  It was like an old friend.  An old friend you want to beat the shit out of.

After twenty minutes with him wrapped around the toilet I put him into our bed and slept in his after trolling the net for a while.  I fell asleep with my phone in my hand for about an hour until I heard Owen crying again.  This time when he came to me, I saw blood on his lip.  I wasn't sure where the blood came from but since he just had his tonsils out last month and he seemed to be having a hard time breathing, we got cleaned up and I took him to the ER.

Owen is 5 1/2 years old and this is his first trip to the ER so that's not really bad.  He's been to Urgent Care which is literally like taking your life into your hands since I'm convinced that's where typhoid got started.  They didn't open for another four hours and with it being Sunday, his Pediatrician was probably still in bed. They took his temp and blood pressure and he was a champ.  Then we waited.  And we waited.  And we waited.  I handled it better than he did.  I could have lived without the kids in the ER running around screaming but thankfully this ER has sliders on each room so I just locked us in.

We told stories to each other and he told me all about his Land Speeder and X-Wing Fighter.  I like listening to those stories like I don't know anything about them.  Then, as I adjusted in my chair Owen asked me why I flinched when I moved.  Here's how the conversation went:

Owen ~"Momma, Why did you (insert painful noise here) when you moved your leg?"
Me ~ "Because my legs still hurt from my night out with Mrs. Karen and Mrs. Angie.  I was dancing."
Owen ~ "How do you hurt yourself dancing?  Show me momma." 
I actually stood up and showed him.
Owen~ "Yeah, I could see why that would hurt."

Once we got the Croup diagnoses and waited forever to be discharged, we went back into the lobby where I had promised him a snack for being such a big boy.  I mean he didn't cry once.  That's certainly deserving of a bag of Cheetos, which is exactly what he picked.

After a rather nasty altercation with a drunk freak in the lobby who got to close to my kid, we got his script and headed home.  We had lunch with PePaw, who drove all the way up to stay with River since her 102 temp kept her from visiting our hurting friends in Virginia.  We'd all planned to go originally but I swear my kids get sick like this out of nowhere anytime I even mention Virginia.  Helping and visiting our friends would have been good for my soul today.

Now we're home and it's raining like our house is going to float away.  A few minutes after I took the  photo bellow, the kids were hiding in the basement.  They HATE thunder as much as I do.  Constant thunder is even worse.

Such sweet babies I have.  With the high temps and ER visits, it looks like both kids might miss the first day of school, which sucks but what can you do?  I'm glad we are forgoing the haircut so that's one less stress inducer for the week but he promised me he would allow a trim.  I need to find time to make that happen.

So, this is me today, laying on a cot in the ER with my baby while he talks to me about how you bring an At-At down.  That boy loves Star Wars!  I love my boy!

"Let us not love with words or speech...but with actions & truth."